I don't want to go on without him

[whatdididotodeservethis]

I'm embarrassed to post this and I'm ashamed I feel this way. I know I sound pathetic so apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex a year ago and I still feel devastated, if not more so than the day it happened. He's cut off all contact and we had brief texts a few months ago. He's found someone else.

I asked for his number to wish him a merry Xmas, he ignored my text. The last time he txt he said he still loved me but that he's moved on but we can keep in touch....but he doesn't want to really as he's ignoring me.

I still love him so much, I still cry. It physically hurts. He was the love of my life and I'm devastated. Knowing he's going to marry someone else and start a family kills me inside. I just can't let him go.

I don't want to be in this world without him. People are sick of me talking about him, that I should just pull myself together but I know I'll never love anyone the way I loved him. He's the only man who has ever treated me well, he was my soul mate and I've lost him.

I just can't see the point of being here anymore. I've tried dating other people but they will never come close to him. I'm going to counselling but it doesn't help. I don't know what I else I can do. I just want the pain to stop, for him to come back to me. I'd do anything for it to stop. He doesn't want me though and it kills me inside.

How can I still love him so much after all this time when he just wants me to go away? I can't get my head around it all.

Have you googled limerance? It sounds a bit like that.

I've sent you a message :)

@Bluebelle38 I would be interested in reading that too, if that would be okay?

Lulu, self indulgent implies there is a choice. I don't want to feel like I do. I would do anything to feel better.

Complicated Grief, if that is what it is, is not self-indulgent. It is not a choice but sadness that has progressed to a permanent state of being that keeps the sufferer trapped in that initial acute stage of grief. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It often leads to suicidal ideation, because the pain and sense of hopelessness with the situation can become unbearable.

I would love to read your thesis too, Bluebelle. My daughter is going through a similar thing. There is no way it is self -indulgent.

Bluebelle, I would really love to read your thesis.

I am 18 months on from the break up and while I am in no way as bad as I was at the time of the break up, I feel ashamed and embarrassed - something feels wrong with me that I would still feel this way for someone who doesn't want me. I've thought about it so much and so often and I have little realisations that help a bit - realising why I am so controlling is related to feeling frightened, for example, and knowing I have no control. I lost my beloved first boyfriend at a young age and was totally devastated and in some ways I feel this reaction of mine mirrors that loss, or even is playing out some of the loss that I just didn't know how to process at the time.

I am thankful for some of the ideas on this thread. I am in no way intelligent or even emotionally unaware but this is really baffling me and getting in the way of my life, and I just don't know how to make it stop!

whatdidido, understand, Trying - I hope you are in a better place soon!

I know who you feel OP. When I broke up with my EXH it took me years to not feel that awful pain. We had been together 3 years but the break up took the same amount of time to get over. We all grieve at a different rate of time.