I don't want to go on without him

[whatdididotodeservethis]

I'm embarrassed to post this and I'm ashamed I feel this way. I know I sound pathetic so apologies in advance.

I broke up with my ex a year ago and I still feel devastated, if not more so than the day it happened. He's cut off all contact and we had brief texts a few months ago. He's found someone else.

I asked for his number to wish him a merry Xmas, he ignored my text. The last time he txt he said he still loved me but that he's moved on but we can keep in touch....but he doesn't want to really as he's ignoring me.

I still love him so much, I still cry. It physically hurts. He was the love of my life and I'm devastated. Knowing he's going to marry someone else and start a family kills me inside. I just can't let him go.

I don't want to be in this world without him. People are sick of me talking about him, that I should just pull myself together but I know I'll never love anyone the way I loved him. He's the only man who has ever treated me well, he was my soul mate and I've lost him.

I just can't see the point of being here anymore. I've tried dating other people but they will never come close to him. I'm going to counselling but it doesn't help. I don't know what I else I can do. I just want the pain to stop, for him to come back to me. I'd do anything for it to stop. He doesn't want me though and it kills me inside.

How can I still love him so much after all this time when he just wants me to go away? I can't get my head around it all.

If you are interested in reading a book on how to look at life differently, I recommend this book.

The writer is a Buddhist but you do not have to be religious (I'm certainly not) in order to benefit from it. Her message is about using compassion for the painful emotions we feel to build a better life and I found it very thought provoking.

He didn't have that beautiful a soul, did he, if he was able to walk away without a backward glance soon after assuring you he loved the bones of you? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like you've built up this image of him as the perfect man - nobody is perfect!
Have you tried consciously turning your thoughts away - like turning a steering wheel - every time you find yourself ruminating again?

Your post says you broke up with him , what reason did you have to end the relationship?

CBT for anxiety is different than what you have tried. Go to the doctors and tell them you are anxious all of the time and it's taking over your life. They will prescribe medication and you can ask to be referred for CBT.

CBT for anxiety will help you train your brain to deal with negative thoughts which is what you are experiencing.

Combine this with exercise. Even if this is just walking up and down the house. Try and get at least 8000 steps in a day.

Eat well and cut out booze.

All of this will really help your state of mind and in 6 months time you will feel a lot better.

You are not alone. Lots of people have experienced this. Some have splits and others have bereavement. My friend lost her husband at 32 from a road accident. They had just had a baby and been married 3 years. She was heartbroken as she didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. It took her years to get over it but she has and is now remarried again at 42. Life moves on.

You need to work on your self worth. To your children you are their hero. They need you and love you. Take strength from that. A good relationship can complete matters but it's not the be all and end all.

Try to take each day as it comes and do something positive that you can be proud of.

You will get there eventually.

Good luck.

The gratutude diary will help to change your thinking so definitely keep it up.Its about getting your brain to switch thinking onto positives.I bet your children give you lots of joy, just their smiles and laughter can be such a wonderful experience.

The important point to realise is YOU control your thoughts, they are just thoughts not realities.

When you are thinking of him, just recognise it and tell yourself to focus on something else.Do something but whilst doing it focus on that only.

It could be that this ending has caused you to reflect on other unprocessed endings or losses in your life so you are grieving for past losses.
Speak with your counselor about this but sometimes a counsellors approach doesn't work and you have to try something or someone else.

Yoga is excellent for helping to clear your thoughts so think about taking up classes.

You can do this. It probably feels like you can't but you can.

a) Make up your mind to leave him behind. Be determined.
b) Challenge yourself if you think about him. Make yourself think of something else. Say 'He does not want me, he is not meant for me, I deserve better, I will make myself happy'.
c) If you think about hm do something else - whether you want to or not. Make yourself. Read the paper, surf the internet, bake some buns, watch a DVD, go for a walk, hoover and dust, clean the ktchen, absolutely anything and make yourself do it.
d) Never mention him again - you are in the habit of talking about him. Consciously stop yourself, however much you want to talk about him.
e) Block him on your phone and his email, block him n Facebook/ Twitter whatever. Do not under any circumstances check up on his accounts- ever.
f) Give yourself a break from men and do things for yourself.
g) Never look back at your time with him.
Just do these things, make yourself. You will start to feel better if you do. I promise. I have been in exactly your place and it works.
Have a happy 2017 - it is in your power and control. Choose life and live it - as dear old George Michael said.

Thank you all again for the excellent advice and kind words. I will check out the book and articles. I have been on AD's before and they helped but I felt so tired on them and I have a big interview at work in a couple of weeks to be involved in a large project so I want to keep a clear mind until then.

It has become almost intrusive thoughts now. Like my brain just enjoys throwing it in every few minutes but I will try to distract myself more and make a conscious effort to steer away my thoughts if my head begins wandering.

This breakup is definitely linked to other losses. There was an incident this year soon after the breakup which meant my children can no longer see their father so I am also dealing with their loss and mine.

You are right, if he was such a good person he wouldn't have done some of the mean things he has this year. He also wouldn't be telling me he loves me whilst with someone else (2nd time he has said it this year). I won't hear from him again, I know this as he is probably getting married soon. He got with someone else a few weeks after we broke up so if it's her he's with now then they will have been together nearly as long as we were. He was desperate for children so I imagine she's probably already pregnant which again breaks my heart as I wanted children with him.

My DC do bring me joy and I'm not being the best mum at the moment which makes me feel guilty. I just want to switch off from the world and am finding parenting hard. Especially as they are bored during the holidays and fighting. I need to stop feeling like this for them.

I really feel for you, what. I've been where you are and it's miserable. Your sadness is blasting out of your posts and you sound as if you feel that you're alone and that nothing nice will happen again. It doesn't matter how many people tell you that it will because you just want to know, "When?".

I think when your Ex told you that he loves you, he did it because for him, it might be some kind of salve to have the woman that he loved and no longer has, tell him that she does-love-him-but. For some people that would be a comfort but for others not and for you, not. He may have said it to be mean, only you know what his motivations would be for doing that. People say and do mean things even when they love somebody but obviously the good times have outweighed the bad times and you still crave what you had with him.

What is clearly the truth though is that his feelings for his partner have grown and he feels it's no longer appropriate to be in contact with you, he is fully committed to her now. That's decent, as much as it hurts you. I know you can't mentally bring yourself to say goodbye and best wishes to him at the moment but, when you can, you will feel a huge sense of relief.

You can't switch off from the world, you have a place in it and you have children who love you. Who else do you have around you who would engage with you and the children to give you a bit of support, camaraderie in parenting? Somebody to take you out of yourself for a bit?

I understand what you say about ADs. I never got on with them either. I do though take KarmaMood St John's Wort (max strength), just one a day, and it really does help if my mood is low. Perhaps it's placebo affect but whatever helps.

Would you feel up to keeping a diary of your feelings day-to-day? It might help you to read back and reprocess your thoughts. Audio books are also great for when you don't feel in the mood to listen to music but want some distraction.

You won't always feel like this, What, even though it feels like it. You will get through it and come out the other side.

I mean this with kindness, he was not your soul mate, if he was, you would still be together. I totally believe in soul mates and that we all have one - you just haven't met yours yet!

6 years ago my ex left me for another girl after telling me he missed me & wanted me back.

How did I find out?? Because his new gf text me from his phone to tell me!

It felt like a knife cutting through my heart, I then had abuse off her for a bit, threatened to kidnap me & what not.

Then came the bombshell, she was pregnant, everyday I felt I was dying more & more, I was so fucking devastated, I wanted to die in my sleep....I lost weight & hope of ever being happy again, I didn't want to live if he didn't want me....I couldn't cope with knowing he was with her & how "happy" they were.

Around 14 months later I met someone else by genuine chance, I still missed him & hoped one day he'd turn up at my house to tell me how he'd made the biggest mistake of his life, that knock never came.....however after a year, I ended talking to him on the phone & finally got my closure that I didn't want him, I wanted the idea of him.

I spent another 3 years with my ex, happy and content....I think think about him now but honestly I feel nothing, I have 100% moved on.

You will too, you just need to give yourself time.

whatdidido, I am in the same position. Horribly frustrated that I am not over him and what he did. Have flashbacks all the time and intrusive thoughts too. My friends are fed up with my unhappiness and I've realised that I can't drink with them anymore as I get too emotional. I think giving up alcohol will be helpful overall, with my mental health.

I am going to do the gratitudes diary. I have also found writing about it helps - someone on here says writing about it moves it from one part of the brain to another. Exercise helps too and box sets.

But the biggest help would be a bloody time machine to whisk me a year in the future where I am over him and hopefully met someone who deserves me!

Yes I know these feelings. I can't seem to move on, keep looking at Instagram and it makes me feel physically sick. I too wish I could just fast forward.
I know it takes time, but it just fucking hurts so much. The advice on mumsnet is very helpful!
Trying to stop myself texting him something upset on nye. He seems to be having a perfectly wonderful holiday.

Would it help if you thought about his bad points?
Did he have smelly feet/ leave hair in the soap/ be untidy etc
Just thinking that no ones perfect and If you can break the cycle of thinking he's 'wonderful ' etc it might make it easier to love him and leave him in the past
(Just my opinion tho)

Understand, I wish I had a time machine too. I'm sorry for others that are going through this. It really is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Yes that was my earlier post. I was in denial back then that he would be serious with someone else and accepting it is so so hard.

I've started reading Paul McKenna I can med your broken heart. I did feel slightly better doing some of the exercises but today I just feel awful again.

A large part of me is so scared of the future, that I will never find anyone as great as him again. I just feel so hopeless and worthless right now. Like I've been thrown aside for something better

Trying, I hope you managed to resist the urge to text. I've decided I have to stop reaching out for my own sanity. It's not fair on him and it just leaves me feeling even more rejected.

I'm struggling with thinking of bad points to be honest. One of the Paul McKenna exercises asks you to do this so I have a couple of incidents where he hurt me a lot. I keep trying to think of those instead of thinking about him and his new DP

Sadly I failed! He told me how much he misses me and I said the same back. So the cycle begins again, I honestly don't know how to move on it's just terrifying

I've got that book too, hasn't really helped me, feel exactly the same as you where it's
Asking you to concentrate on bad things.
I can explain away all the bad things! I'm good at that for all people in my life.
Wish I could help us both, all I can think is I do not want to spend my life loving someone I can't be with it's a total waste. If If we can cling on to that for long enough it might eventually sink in x

Don't beat yourself up about it Trying. At least he text back and you can find comfort that he does still care, even if you can't be together. If I text my ex he wouldn't reply which is worse to me than telling me to go away as it just shows total indifference to me.

How long has it been since you split?

Hi there,

It sounds like what is termed complicated grief. It is most commonly associated with death but can be experienced after any significant loss, such as the loss of a romantic relationship.
In a nutshell, people experiencing CG get 'stuck' in their grief and don't move through to a stage of acceptance.
Complicated grief therapy is a specific therapy that targets loss as you describe. It may be worth looking for someone that can work on this with you.
My heart goes out to you. I experienced this myself over 20 years ago and the pain was unbearable. PM me if you like. I wrote my dissertation on this very topic and can send it on to you if you like x

Thanks Blubelle. Yes I'd be really interested in reading your thesis. I think you might be into something. I just googled complicated grief after a breakup and it said if I had 5 or more of the following for more than 6 months then it's complicated grief.

1	You have obsessive thoughts about aspects of the lost relationship or the person you were with
2	You spend a significant amount of time every day or almost every day, thinking about your lost relationship or the person you were with
3	You have intense emotional pain, sorrow, pangs or yearnings related to the lost relationship
4	You avoid reminders of the loss, because you know that reminders will cause you pain or make you feel uncomfortable
5	You have problems accepting the loss of the relationship
6	You have frequent <a class="break-all" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/dreaming" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">dreams</a> that relate to your lost relationship
7	You frequently suffer from deep sadness, <a class="break-all" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">depression</a> or <a class="break-all" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anxiety" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">anxiety</a> because of the loss
8	You are angry or feel a deep sense of injustice in relation to the lost relationship
9	You have difficulties trusting others since the relationship ended
10	The loss of the relationship makes it difficult for you to find pleasure in social and routine activities
11	Your symptoms make it difficult for you to function optimally on your job, as a <a class="break-all" href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">parent</a> or in a new relationship

I have all 11

I am not saying this to be horrible but your behaviours are self-indulgent. You can stop, you just don't want to because stopping will really be the end of it and you don't want to face it. I have been there.
Face it - these men do not want you. If they did they would be with you. They have chosen to leave you and are choosing another woman who they are living with, having sex with and playing happy families with. You are being strung along by messages that keep you on the hook and make them look not so bad. Harsh maybe but true.

No problem, I am out at the moment but will be home in an hour and can forward it on to you. There is help available. You can get through this.x

Thanks so much Bluebelle

Lulu, I've accepted he doesn't want me and is with someone else. That's why it's so painful. I know it's not a 'normal' response to a breakup which then makes me even more worried as I try to make sense of it all and wonder why I'm not normal.

I wouldn't use the word self indulgent though, it's more self hatred. Trust me, if I could stop right now I would. I'm doing everything I can to stop as I can't take feeling like this anymore