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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I an emotional abuser?

35 replies

Talk86 · 29/12/2016 11:41

Husband is implying I am. He says that whenever he tries to tell me how he feels I argue with him and make it all about me.
When he is upset with me he doesn't tell me, instead he ignores me, blanks me, drives me crazy and draws it out so I have to guess what it is I have done wrong. It drives me mad and I get frustrated and we end up having a row. The back story is that for a number of years, when our children were very young, he treated me badly to the point that I nearly left. We had a lot of issues with money and sex. He'd shout, intimidate and was unreasonable. etc and this went on for years and years. We worked it out but I then made a decision that I would never let him treat me like that again so when we argue I stand up for myself. I just can't be in that position again. Anyway he got funny with me last night as he thought I was ogling a guy on tv. I wasn't. He's insecure about his looks and whether I fancy him and I've had enough as this has been going on for years and I feel responsible for his self esteem. We had a row and now he's walked out because he's said he's had enough of me arguing and bullying him. I'm so confused. We've got two children and he doesn't care what I tell them. He said he's gone because he won't be talked to like that by me - all because I told him I wasn't happy (I was crying and raised my voice). He also doesn't listen to what I tell him. Example is that I tell him I'm upset that I have to work full time to support us financially and would like it to change - he interprets that as I'm telling him that he's a shit husband. I'm such a confused mess right now and scared that I'm a bully and emotional abuser.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2016 12:01

What does he do for a job them?
Is it just part time?
Is he a SAH dad?

Look up stonewalling abuse.
You might also benefit from reading Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that?
Abuser always blame the other person and call them abusers.
Don't be fooled or confused about that.
He sounds like the abuser.
Be glad he's gone and hope he stays away.
I think you'll find that you are far less stressed with him out of the house.

Jealous of a bloke on TV!?
Seriously, he has massive issues.
I can outwardly speak about blokes I think are good looking, on or off of TV.

Let him go, don't beg him to stay.
He's reverting back to the abuser he was before you stood up to him.
Now he just can't handle it.
That's HIS problem, not yours.
He's been manipulating you for years.
This stroppy tantrum he's throwing now is another form of manipulation to get you back in line and to 'shut the fuck up' and let him say and do what he wants!
Read the book, you'll be surprised how abusive he really is.

he interprets that as I'm telling him that he's a shit husband
Sounds like he is a shit husband!
So he's only stating the obvious there!

Does he drink a lot?
Smoke weed?

Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 12:06

Thanks :) he works from home so it's more flexible but doesn't earn that much. I feel like I'm going mad. Said that if I showed more interest in him sexually then he wouldn't have an issue with a naked bloke on tv.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 12:07

Doesn't smoke weed and drinks normal amounts I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 12:12

I'm also really worrying about my children. I don't know what to tell them.

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/12/2016 12:29

You tell them that mummy and daddy can't live together any more because they aren't best friends any more, but they both will always still love them.

And then you boot his emotionally abusive stonewalling bastard arse out the door.

You will be so much happier without him. So will they. There will be no atmosphere in the house - and kids pick up on that even when they are very little. No more walking on eggshells, you will be more relaxed and happier - it will all be good.

SittingAround1 · 29/12/2016 12:39

It sounds like you have major communication problems. his reactions when upset are not good or helpful to solving issues/ arguments. It's good you stand up for yourself now.
Do you want to sort things out with him or are you glad he's left? Perhaps couples counselling?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2016 12:41

if I showed more interest in him sexually
Oh FFS, what a feckin' shamelss dick-head he is.
So if you 'put out' all will be OK from now on!!?????
What a load of crap!
You know what you need to do now.
So make your plans and do it.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2016 12:43

Do NOT go to couples counselling with this abusive, manipulative twat!
It's not recommended at all.
Go on your own, for sure!
It will help you understand things.
Womens Aid can also help you to see things for what they are.
They can help you with local support services as well.
And it would be a massive help to you understanding all of this if you could do their Freedom Programme!

Kr1stina · 29/12/2016 12:46

So has he actually moved out or just walked out in the huff ?

Do you want him back ?

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2016 12:47

Absolutely no to couples counselling. He is abusive- standard fayre to say it's you who is abusive.

RedastheRose · 29/12/2016 12:50

He is mirroring! EA tactic where the abuser says that the other person is doing something that they do themselves. Example, he says something nasty to you, you reply to defend yourself, he says you are starting an argument! Or you are arguing over something and he tell you that you always have to have the last word in an argument, this effectively closes you down so that he actually gets the last word! The silent treatment and walking out are also classic EA tactics, all he has done is traded one form of abuse for another. Read up on narcissistic tendencies and EA and see if any of the behaviour is familiar.

Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 13:00

Thanks everyone. Still loads to process. Will look up all of those recommendations.

He's taken his overnight stuff and bedding to a flat we have that is empty so he could stay there indefinitely in theory. I want him to come home so we can talk it out and get it sorted but I don't think is going to happen. It often feels like I'm married to two people or that he has an evil twin. If we argue he says that I'm doing it on purpose to niggle him and that I just want a row. I don't. I hate it. But what I hate more is oppressive, unbearable silence and guessing games. I suppose I argue with him to break the silence but I always feel like the bad one!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/12/2016 13:05

You should take a good long break from this OP so you can start to see it clearly. Years of living like this addles your brain.

Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 13:07

He's also been really miserable for the whole of Christmas. Before this big row he's not really engaged with us. Been moody and grumpy and it makes me so sad for the children. He's been pushing me away and shutting me out for the last week and I suppose last night I'd just had enough hence the argument and crying!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 13:08

Yes kittybiscuits that's exactly how I feel :(

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/12/2016 13:11

I know how awful that is. You can't resolve anything with someone like this. Honestly, you need to start to think about yourself and that takes time and energy. You have to fight with yourself to claw back your attention from the relationship. This kind of bollocks can drain the life out of you x

Naicehamshop · 29/12/2016 13:27

He sounds like an absolute prince! Confused

What exactly does he bring to the table? He is sulky, aggressive, manipulative, grumpy, and puts pressure on you for sex. Hmm

I would give yourself plenty of time to really think this through, op. Don't let yourself be pressured into apologizing for God's sake.

Hermonie2016 · 29/12/2016 13:31

You are not abusive if you are loud, verbal abuse is name calling and putting the other person down.

Stonewalling is just awful - had it with my stbxh and it's just draining. It can also provoke you into reacting and then yes you do appear like the aggressive one. Longterm your has to learn how to express himself as it's very unhealthy to live like this.

It's actually good you have some space. How old are the children? Use the space to take some time to think. Don't react until you are calm and less anxious.

Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 14:06

Thank you. I'm feeling a bit calmer now.

I'm regretting arguing now ;( I'd stupidly forgotten that he could unleash all of this shit because it hasn't happened for ages. I'd been lulled into thinking that I could argue freely with my husband without massive consequences. I feel like it's a control technique - by walking out and refusing to communicate he's basically saying that's what happens if I argue to stop me doing it again? Bit like training a puppy. Not sure I'm making sense!!

The children are 7 and 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
Talk86 · 29/12/2016 14:08

He also walked out of the bedroom last night mid argument and slept on the sofa. Then ignored me this morning and said he was leaving and has gone....so he's had the last word. But I feel that there is more to say!

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/12/2016 14:14

It is a control technique. You are 100% right about that. You have now seen that.

Let him have the last word for now. The last word in the end will be yours and it will be Freedom.

toptoe · 29/12/2016 14:14

There is more to say but is there any point because: a. he won't listen and b. he isn't going to talk truths. So conversation is pointless until he has a personality transplant and is able to do both with kindness and honesty.

petalsandstars · 29/12/2016 14:18

Sounds like the scales are falling from your eyes. What he's doing is a control technique- treat you badly enough that you worry about what you did and try to fix it. When all along he is the problem.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 29/12/2016 14:37

No, you're not abusive.

Be prepared for the rest of the script: the hoovering, the threats.

Get your finances in order and secure paperwork: passports, documents, bank statements. Book an appointment with GP (to explore your health and stress levels, maybe start the process for counseling), and a solicitor. Even if you do decide in the future to have another try, you'll be working from a position of strength and knowledge, so when he pulls bullshit out of his hat, you'll see it for what it is.

kittybiscuits · 29/12/2016 14:47

Here's the biggy - don't say what you are thinking or may be planning. There is no way in the world that he will sit down and say 'yes you're right, that's what i've been doing'.

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