Am I an emotional abuser?

[Talk86]

Husband is implying I am. He says that whenever he tries to tell me how he feels I argue with him and make it all about me.
When he is upset with me he doesn't tell me, instead he ignores me, blanks me, drives me crazy and draws it out so I have to guess what it is I have done wrong. It drives me mad and I get frustrated and we end up having a row. The back story is that for a number of years, when our children were very young, he treated me badly to the point that I nearly left. We had a lot of issues with money and sex. He'd shout, intimidate and was unreasonable. etc and this went on for years and years. We worked it out but I then made a decision that I would never let him treat me like that again so when we argue I stand up for myself. I just can't be in that position again. Anyway he got funny with me last night as he thought I was ogling a guy on tv. I wasn't. He's insecure about his looks and whether I fancy him and I've had enough as this has been going on for years and I feel responsible for his self esteem. We had a row and now he's walked out because he's said he's had enough of me arguing and bullying him. I'm so confused. We've got two children and he doesn't care what I tell them. He said he's gone because he won't be talked to like that by me - all because I told him I wasn't happy (I was crying and raised my voice). He also doesn't listen to what I tell him. Example is that I tell him I'm upset that I have to work full time to support us financially and would like it to change - he interprets that as I'm telling him that he's a shit husband. I'm such a confused mess right now and scared that I'm a bully and emotional abuser.

No OP - you are not an emotional abuser - but I think you sound a little unwilling to face up to the fact that you are both hurting, and your relationship needs a little more nurturing. Are you kind to one another? Are you affectionate - do you share intimacy? Reading between the lines it sounds as though your sex life has taken a dive? Anyway, it sounds to me as if you wish to blame the lack of all these things on DH. Meanwhile, his poor communication skills mean he withdraws. I'm a little surprised at the number of Mners here willing you to pack your bags - I really think this is about communication - or the lack of it. You have said 'but' to many of his perceived grievances - as if you are batting them away rather than recognising them. You say you are not responsible for his self esteem - which is true, but your relationship will impact on his self esteem. Example he interprets your desire to reduce work as him being a shit husband, but then how often have you told him he is a good husband? How do you make each other feel loved, respected, appreciated, admired? He's obviously very sensitive to your comments. I think perhaps these are at the heart of things - for BOTH of you. So I think you need to talk calmly. Good luck!

I feel like it's a control technique - by walking out and refusing to communicate he's basically saying that's what happens if I argue to stop me doing it again? Bit like training a puppy. Not sure I'm making sense.

You're making perfect sense and that's exactly what he's doing.

Don't ask him to come back, OP. Get your ducks in a row and leave him.

How can you possibly know that he's doing this? There is a lot going on under the surface here. OP may be avoidant and her DH anxious - sounds that way to me, in which case - his walking out is a cry for recognition that things are serious! And why 'get ducks in a row and leave' from what you've heard? I'm going to guess that the above comment is from someone already divorced - because nothing said is uncommon in so many relationships which need better ways to communicate.

It's textbook abuser behaviour. Lots of people who recognise it, by definition, will have left an abusive ex. 'His walking out is a cry for recognition' - now that really is creative interpretation.

OP he sounds like the abuser. Decide what is right for you and the family and get help to pve forward.

move forward

So when OP almost left the relationship - was that abusive controlling behaviour too? Choosing to vacate family home following an argument cannot of itself be classed as abusive controlling behaviour - it would make every victim of abuse also controlling and abusive! People are commenting with their own baggage here OP!

My ex used to do that kind of stuff - I was accused of having a lesbian affair with my best mate because we shared a bottle of wine one Valentines night😂. He used to refuse to talk to me for weeks even months at a time and would walk around the house whistling like he didn't have a care in the world. It's all emotional abuse and bully boy tactics. You need to work out if you can tolerate it going forward and be prepared for your children to attempt this behaviour with you ( because the saw their dad treating you that way 😕). I wish you well and hope you have the strength to do what is right for you and your family. Xx

Dadaist have you read the same OP the rest of us have? She did not leave after one row. She nearly left after years of emotional abuse and started standing up for herself instead.

Did you not read the bits about him shouting, being intimidating and pressuring the op for sex, Dadaist? How much of this behaviour is she expected to put up with?