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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dd (12) and boundaries.

47 replies

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 11:22

Can anyone help with some advice?

Dd has no sense of personal space or boundaries. She is constantly using everyone else's stuff. She has just come in my bedroom because she heard me on the phone. I was talking to my therapist. The door was shut. I waved my hand at her to tell her to leave and she plonked herself down on the bed next to me. It wasn't an appropriate conversation for her to listen to but she wouldn't leave the room so I shut myself in the ensuite (no lock) and she came in there!

She walks round the house in underwear. She leaves the toilet door wide open. She tells her 5yo brother off as though she's his parent. She tells me off! She picks her nose and eats it when she's sitting in a room with other people.

Any sign of a shut or locked door and she's in there, either barging in or knocking until someone answers, always for completely ridiculous and not urgent reasons.

She takes food meant for the whole family, e.g. the peanuts we bought to munch on recently, she poured the whole massive bag into a bowl, ate a few and left the rest on the side in the kitchen. No one else can now eat them because of the aforementioned nose picking etc.

We have rules and boundaries in the house and the other two have no problems. I feel like we are constantly pulling her up and telling her off and it makes no difference at all. I must tell her to close the bathroom door (and flush the fucking loo!) three or four times a day.

She takes expensive makeup, the laptop (which is now passworded), my kindle because hers isn't charged, my clothes, hairbrush, anything she fancies. She has zero respect for other people's belongings.

I am just exhausted. I don't want to be constantly on her case, she is bright and funny and affectionate but I feel like all I do all day is tell her off. She winds up her brothers for fun, and even the dog.

I am pretty much at my wits end and I am out of strategies. Please, if anyone has any advice I'd welcome it.

OP posts:
HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 11:35

Anyone? I should also say I'm struggling with what is normal preteen behaviour and what is down to her 'issues' (possible attachment disorder, my MH stuff).

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notangelinajolie · 29/12/2016 11:45

No advice sorry but keeping a tab on this thread because she sounds exactly like my DD. I wonder if it's a thing?

She's left home now - age 21. She got worse the older she got and was taking things she really shouldn't and one particular thing from her little sister's room was the final straw. Had to resort to a lock on little sister's bedroom door to stop her in the end which was a very sad day for us all but had to be done ☹

Streuth · 29/12/2016 11:46

I am sure someone will come along later and hopefully recognise some of the behaviours you mention. They seem a little unusual and specific, so I hope you hear from someone with further insights/experience. It may be a while until that person appears ... Are there issues at school, I would imagine so. Have the teachers said anything? I would also consider seeing your GP.

Finola1step · 29/12/2016 11:49

Has she always had difficulties with age appropriate boundaries?

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 11:50

Mine is exactly the same it's like living in a goldfish bowl!
Anybody's property or money is fair game and don't get me started about food.
No suggestions(hopefully somebody has!) but you have my sympathy by the bucket load!

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 11:54

Funnily enough she is great at school, she did have a few issues in primary but is thriving at secondary.

She has always been like this but I think it's just become more apparent as she's got older and I think we expect better of her as she matures. Ds1 is 14 and completely different.

It's heartening to know it's not that unusual though, thank you.

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Cricrichan · 29/12/2016 11:57

No personal experience but a friend's 12 year old is very similar. My 6 year old understands boundaries better than her. She's a lovely girl and doing amazingly well at school and sports.

I think she may be on the spectrum but very high functioning but I'm not a professional so it's just guesswork on my part!

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 12:02

But how do you deal with it? Don't know about you but I'm tired of hearing 'Sorry' when she clearly isn't & doesn't change!

Stormsurfer · 29/12/2016 12:07

My DD is also 12 and is exactly the same. She has been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorderand is on the ASD assessment pathway. I have no answers for you as I am struggling with it each day myself, but wanted you to know I totally relate!

notangelinajolie · 29/12/2016 12:09

We also didn't have any complaints from school. My Dd would also get angry (ie trying to kick above mentioned locked bedroom door down) but this didn't start happening until she was older - probably age 18 onwards.

In hindsight I wish we had got help from someone in the outside world as it got to the stage where we were all falling out and me asking my daughter to leave. So probably my advice would be to seek help from maybe your GP? I do regret just trying to muddle through.

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:13

She's been assessed for ASD/PDA but was just under the criteria for diagnosis. She's very good at modifying her behaviour around other people so it's only really us that see it.

We have a family support worker and she is seeing a counsellor in the new year through Young Carers so that may help. Or maybe she will grow out of it?

OP posts:
HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:14

And yes she is also very angry and reactive.

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bert3400 · 29/12/2016 12:14

My 14 year old is exactly the same . He drives me bonkers ...but he is very funny with it and what could escalate into full blown war fare normally ends up with us laughing in hysterics . I am hoping he will grow out of it ... My other two boys did . I put it down to nature's way of making us 'go off our kids' so when they leave we are actually over the fucking moon!!

Hellofromtheotherside16 · 29/12/2016 12:37

My dd aged 12 is exactly the same. If a bag comes into the house she needs to know exactly what is in it. She goes through my handbag even though she has been told not to since she was a toddler.

We talked about it recently and she said she looked through bags as she wanted to see if there was something for her. It's like a horrible sense of entitlement. She acts like the whole world revolves around her.

The same with food. She is always looking through cupboards and the fridge.

She 'acquires' things too. She will come across something and say, this is mine and will not accept it's not.

When you mention attachment disorder, what do you mean? This is relevant to my daughter too.

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:42

It's something the counsellor mentioned when we had a meeting, she hasn't seen her yet but the counsellor wanted to meet with me first.

We have a complicated family history, her bio dad was abusive and I left when she was two, I had pnd when she was a baby and I've lived with bipolar all my life (only diagnosed a couple of years ago). Dh has been in her life since she was 3 and is a very stabilising influence but I think the damage was done when she was tiny.

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fallenempires · 29/12/2016 12:43

Self entitlement & being at the centre of everything is normal behaviour ime but I do understand that it seems to be heightened if that makes any sense?

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:44

Funnily enough I've always been an 'attachment parent', breastfeeding to 2years, cosleeping, slings, responding immediately to cries. But she presents as though she has an attachment disorder (nothing diagnosed as yet). Sad

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HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:45

Yes, it's just relentless. I could cope with a bit of it but it's just constant.

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Hellofromtheotherside16 · 29/12/2016 12:47

Yes to an extent it's normal for all children. However my other child doesn't do it i.e. constantly looking for stuff. Also I think my dd's behaviour is more extreme as it extends to taking things from shops and other people like teachers Confused.

Hellofromtheotherside16 · 29/12/2016 12:48

She doesn't think rules apply to her.

notangelinajolie · 29/12/2016 12:48

OP - could she be bipolar like you? I have often wondered if is was the root of my daughter's behaviour.

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 12:51

It's not a proper situation but I would get little locks you can bolt across on your bedroom door right at the top and also in the bathroom. Everyone needs to have an understanding of privacy and having some locks would reinforce that.

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 12:52

*solution, I meant.

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 12:54

Yes we've wondered if she has been shoplifting too I guess that we will never find out until she's brought home by the police.
Also identify with the lack of respecting the rules of the house and the anger and reactive behaviour.

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:54

I've considered she might be bipolar. Sad

I hate the idea of locks but it might come to that.

She has just gone in our bedroom, unplugged DHs phone and taken the charger. This is following a big talking to about exactly this yesterday.

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