Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dd (12) and boundaries.

47 replies

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 11:22

Can anyone help with some advice?

Dd has no sense of personal space or boundaries. She is constantly using everyone else's stuff. She has just come in my bedroom because she heard me on the phone. I was talking to my therapist. The door was shut. I waved my hand at her to tell her to leave and she plonked herself down on the bed next to me. It wasn't an appropriate conversation for her to listen to but she wouldn't leave the room so I shut myself in the ensuite (no lock) and she came in there!

She walks round the house in underwear. She leaves the toilet door wide open. She tells her 5yo brother off as though she's his parent. She tells me off! She picks her nose and eats it when she's sitting in a room with other people.

Any sign of a shut or locked door and she's in there, either barging in or knocking until someone answers, always for completely ridiculous and not urgent reasons.

She takes food meant for the whole family, e.g. the peanuts we bought to munch on recently, she poured the whole massive bag into a bowl, ate a few and left the rest on the side in the kitchen. No one else can now eat them because of the aforementioned nose picking etc.

We have rules and boundaries in the house and the other two have no problems. I feel like we are constantly pulling her up and telling her off and it makes no difference at all. I must tell her to close the bathroom door (and flush the fucking loo!) three or four times a day.

She takes expensive makeup, the laptop (which is now passworded), my kindle because hers isn't charged, my clothes, hairbrush, anything she fancies. She has zero respect for other people's belongings.

I am just exhausted. I don't want to be constantly on her case, she is bright and funny and affectionate but I feel like all I do all day is tell her off. She winds up her brothers for fun, and even the dog.

I am pretty much at my wits end and I am out of strategies. Please, if anyone has any advice I'd welcome it.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 29/12/2016 12:56

So what are the consequences for her if she does something she's not supposed to? She's already been spoken to about the charger and gone and taken it anyway so what happens now?

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 12:58

We've confiscated her kindle now. And dh shouted, which he very rarely does.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 29/12/2016 13:00

Hard it's just like Groundhog Day!

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 13:54

We've just sat down and had a big chat with her.

We've decided on three firm rules.

No going in our bedroom for any reason, unless invited.

Closing the bathroom door when she's on the loo. (Weirdly this was the rule she's most resistant to...)

No helping herself to food. I rarely say no but I do want her to ask first.

These rules are now set in stone and any breaking of them will lead to her kindle and phone being confiscated.

What do you think? They're much firmer rules than the flimsy 'don't take my stuff', 'don't eat all the snacks' we've tried before so maybe she'll find it easier?

OP posts:
HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 13:54

Oh and I know the rules don't tackle all the issues but we thought we'd better start small.

OP posts:
timelytess · 29/12/2016 13:59

Very sensible to start with three clear rules.

When she's taken those on board, give her a week's grace, a reward, then add three more.

Start a book to record the rules she's adapted too, and praise her on new entries.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/12/2016 14:03

I think that's a good, clear, start.

I know it's probably the least of your problems, but the nose thing (I can't even type what you typed) would have me losing my shit each & everytime & her being marched into the bathroom to blow her nose & wash her hands, under supervision. It is vile & unacceptable.

I'm sending you strength to deal with her behaviour because I'd be at my wits end. Although, if she does have issues of some kind, then I feel for her too. It's hard.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 29/12/2016 14:04

Rules sound fine.

Let's say she breaks one and then you take the kindle and phone. Is there anything then stopping her from doing the others? May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb?

Could you do it with pocket money? E.g. Let's say she has £10 a week and every time she breaks a rule you remove 50p.

Definitely get locks for your doors. Why should people put up with their stuff being taken. Basic respect.

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 14:45

I would actually write those three rules down on a piece of paper and get her to sign it to say she agrees and then give her a copy to keep so she can't argue with it later on.

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:09

The idea of a contract may work,anything is worth trying isn't it?
Keep us updated!

goodapple · 29/12/2016 16:23

ASD can present a lot like attachment problems, reading Tony Attwood's chapter on girls with aspergers changed everything for us.

Have you asked her why she doesn't like shutting the bathroom door, or flushing? Maybe more to it than just defiance. Likewise the food, if she can't judge how much she'll eat, or worries about missing out if she doesn't take it all at once?

Firm clear rules should help in any case, lots of luck!

frazzlebedazzle · 29/12/2016 16:26

Reading through, you say you feel 'the damage was done when she was tiny' - just wondering if there is anything more there which may help, ie what damage is it that might need addressing now?

sippingginandlemon · 29/12/2016 16:33

I have a DD 12. You have just described her. I'm watching this thread with interest.

caperboo · 29/12/2016 16:46

Your daughter sounds similar to ours , she's 12 ,
She has No boundaries will walk in the bathroom with out knocking hang out in her knickers , take food make up toys etc she's stole 2 boxes of matches and lit them whilst we were asleep ( we now lock medicines and matches in a safe ) , if it's too be had she will take it , she's extremely loud , makes fake laughing noises at random intervals , aggressive , she calls ppl names pretty much all the time , and will even answer back and push her father ( not me ) she has had her elder brother by the throat once and given her sister (2) a black eye ,there is never a day that doesn't go by when I am not struggling to get her to behave. At school she relatively well , just struggles with understanding
She was asd testers but didn't get enough scores ( or something) she has a diagnosed processing disorder but generally we are too at a lost .
We have a family practitioner helping us but she's requested she have further assessments so we still in limbo.
Hope u get the help you guys need

fallenempires · 29/12/2016 16:55

caperboo that's shocking in your shoes I think that I'd be inclined to get the police involved as that's dv.I know that if my DD has another violent episode where a family member is injured or being threatened then I will take that course of action.
Flowers

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 16:59

Mine's not as violent as she used to be but she certainly has her moments. She's more verbally aggressive these days. The way she speaks to me is shocking.

She is Jekyll and Hyde though, right now she's sweetness and light and has just brought me a coffee Shock

OP posts:
caperboo · 29/12/2016 17:15

fallenempire

We have been told to do this only recently when she pushed my 5 year old and made all his front teeth bleed, we will do although i struggle with the concept because she doesn't understand like you or I might , she can not work out thing like repercussions, if and when asked why that thing happened she can only see the thing they did to cause her reaction ( the teeth thing) was he was wearing a tickly top which was iterating her, ( she has sensory issues too , ) I will of course follow through the police action but I am not sure she will get it.
Don't get me started On Her eating issue
Op , I am too bipolar type 2 and emotional affective deregulation , it has been asked if my daughter might be a sufferer too .

mummyto2monkeys · 29/12/2016 17:22

Hi there I have a nine year old son diagnosed with ASC (autism), as a result I have read extensively on autism and I have many friends who either are autistic adults or parents of Autistic children. Several never met the diagnosis criteria for ASC only to later be diagnosed with a type of autism which presents differently which is called PDA. I would recommend reading this link and asking for a referral for a possible diagnosis of PDA (g.p or school may be able to help here)

www.autism.org.uk/PDA

HardLightHologram · 29/12/2016 17:44

We've been down the PDA route and got nowhere. It's really difficult to get a diagnosis where we live apparently.

I've just read the Tony Atwood piece on girls with Aspergers and he could be talking about me. It's rocked my world a bit. And does describe DD fairly well as well.

OP posts:
BumDNC · 29/12/2016 19:41

My DD is 14 and has GAD and an attachment disorder and she behaves like this. She just wants to break all my boundaries. She seems to know she has them with other people she is less comfortable with. How is your DD outside the home?
Although this sounds 'odd and unusual' I think early teen girls feel a bit lost when they are growing and still want to be babied and often behave like this to feel close to people and seem to have no filter because they are just so comfortable with you it's like when they outside the home it's all in a tense bundle of anxiety it often comes out at home. My DD likes to show me her poo, talk about poo etc it's bordering on smothering and way too intense sometimes but this is because she has the attachment disorder and tries to feel close to me, in all the wrong ways at times

BumDNC · 29/12/2016 19:45

I also think my DD experienced something awful to her when she was little - I had PND when I had her sister when she was 22 months and I was quite ill

But she was a very difficult baby and very tantrumy stubborn and raging toddler so I can't attribute it all to myself

DD feels that the world owes her, the world needs to make her feel good and wanted and that involves being involved with everything and taking things to make her feel good. Self esteem work is what I am hoping will help. I am convinced she has ADHD too

BumDNC · 29/12/2016 19:47

Sorry for multiple posting - PDA also describes my DD to a T, but as she's now 14 thy don't want to do any diagnostic work with herAngry

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread