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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help?

64 replies

Ilovealfieandannierose · 28/12/2016 22:45

I posted a few months ago about an ongoing situation regarding my husbands sexual preferences and how difficult I found them. I got lots of understanding and good advice but wasnt really ready to hear it.

Since then and completely out of the blue and unexpectedly, he has been arrested and is under investigation of internet crimes relating to children. I am absolutely devastated and heart broken. Ss are now involved as we have 4 young children, he is not allowed unsupervised contact. Our whole world has been blown apart and I have no idea what to do. I dont think I can manage on my own. Christmas has been horrendous and I feel so alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovealfieandannierose · 28/12/2016 23:53

My parents have been amazing and are helping me lots with the practical stuff. I would have been lost without them. I feel like I have lost my independence and my life though.

OP posts:
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 28/12/2016 23:57

Yes, of course you feel like that. It must be devastating.

Can you afford some therapy/ ask your go to add you to the waiting list?

Kr1stina · 28/12/2016 23:57

It's too early to make any decisions about moving or reconciliation . You need to focus on the practicalities right now and keeping things stable for the children.

I assume you are on holiday from work and that you will be going back soon and your children to school /nursery. Everyone needs to get back into the routine, this isn't going to sorted quickly I'm afraid.

Your in laws are obviously very distressed and distressing you, so youneed to avoid talking about the future with them. Just say you are coping Day by day and can't deal with anything else right now.

Are your own family and friends a suport to you right now?

Kr1stina · 28/12/2016 23:58

Oops sorry x posted, I hadn't refreshed the thread

Original poster
Ilovealfieandannierose · 29/12/2016 00:01

Thank you. That is really helpful.

I think if he is convicted it will be for accessing images but the evdience is interactions between him and other known men so im not sure.

I am most hurt by the deceit. I have thought he was working late, tired from work etc and so he had not been as present in our lives. I felt guilty that I would get annoyed at him for having a lie in when he was working so hard. Turns out he wasnt giving a shit about me or the kids and was spending hours a day wanking.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 29/12/2016 00:04

Oh god, it's horrifying to think he's been chatting to other peados about raping and filming children too.

I'm sorry OP, it's just too fucking horrible.

Original poster
Ilovealfieandannierose · 29/12/2016 00:26

It is horrible. And I need to hear that perspective as he tries to minimize what has happened.

It may seem impossible to believe but he is a good man in many ways. I have often read threads on here and felt so lucky to have such a loving husband. It is like someone has taken the history of our lives together and ripped it up. I dont know what to think/feel about him.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 29/12/2016 00:47

It's not impossible to believe that you thought he was a good man.

I know two families this has happened to and both men seemed like nice people. One was even a police officer.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 29/12/2016 00:58

I think you need to feel anger.

A good father wouldn't sit in front of a screen looking at/discussing other children in unthinkable situations, without once thinking how it would feel to be the father of those children.

A good father/husband wouldn't spend all day wanking.

A good father/husband wouldn't knowingly put his whole families hopes, plans and future at risk, and their safety for his own sexual gratification.

Sorry to sound harsh. I think you are in shock, it's part of the change curve of emotion, but you'll feel anger and need a safe and secure place to let it out.

I don't think you should see him at the moment, and it's wrong if your parents to minimise this. Telling you they are just photos? What the hell are they thinking?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 29/12/2016 00:59

Sorry, his parents, not yours.

Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 09:30

Op I think I recall your previous thread....He attempted to put you in situations you weren't happy with sexually....he will minimise this too, I feel for you, small steps each day as pp says.

MrsBertBibby · 29/12/2016 09:53

OP I'd be concerned about his parents' attitude to his alleged offending. Are they able to protect your children if they don't think he hurts anyone? Do SS know this is their attitude?

I remember your other thread, he's a sexual predator, and a very manipulative one, he is working on his parents. I doubt they will keep your kids safe from him.

Only1scoop · 29/12/2016 09:54

Agree

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 11:04

Ilove this is all so tragic. I think you really need to access time with your psychiatrist or other form of therapy.

Your in laws are totally wrong to minimise what your husband has done, the children whose images he looked at real, just because those imagrsbwere viewed on line it makes no difference. They are real kids just like their own grandchildren.

His communications with other men could have put your own children in danger.

You need to do whatever makes life easier for you in terms of your in laws. If this means saying "I don't want to talk about the future" so be it. But do not get drawn into making promises to stick by him etc.

Personally, I could never again trust a man who did this.I could never again be intimate, sexual or even close with such a man. You need to access your anger on behalf of the victims of this type of crime. As well as your anger on behalf of and the kids.

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 11:06

On behalf of you and the kids.

Original poster
Ilovealfieandannierose · 29/12/2016 11:29

Thank you. Im glad that some people remember my previous post. Although he arrest was a complete shock and I was completely devastated, part of me wasnt surprised. I knew how far he had pushed boundries with me.

I know lots of people in my situation wpuld be furiois but I think I probably feel worth so little anyway that I just dont have anger in me.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 11:33

It is OK you are already thinking a d realizing your lack of anger is due to him, he has made you feel a certain way, with time and help you can respond and deal with this.

I have not read your other thread so do not know what he has done.

You say you are classed as a vulnerable adult, can you say why? Feel free to not say.

Flowers
Original poster
Ilovealfieandannierose · 29/12/2016 11:44

I have a significant history in mental health services, many dx, many admissions, some serious attempts on my life. I believe my distress was a result of things that had happened or were happening in my life. To the ouside world, my husband was comended for sticking by me, being my rock.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 29/12/2016 11:54

So sorry to hear that, but can you see how his behaviour is making you feel worse, not better?

(I remember your previous thread too. Sad)

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 12:07

Sorry sweetie that all sounds really difficult.

"Many dx" sorry I don't know what that means.

Your husband stuck by you. That was fine. But remember that is your history. You are obviously someone of value and worth. And what you did was not harmful on the way things your dh has done.

Italiangreyhound · 29/12/2016 12:27

Plrase get an appointment to see your psychiatrist or a therapist. You need specialist help to process and deal with this.

Kr1stina · 29/12/2016 12:40

Italian - dx is short for diagnosis /diagnoses

HomeIsWhereTheGinisNow · 29/12/2016 12:57

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you OP. Your in laws are being loons - they cannot seriously expect you to stand by a man who is sexually gratified by horrible things being done to poor innocent little children? It's appalling. And you know, deep inside, I suspect, that you love a facade of him and you don't really know him. People that can see little children as anything remotely sexual shouldn't be around them at all, you simply can't take the risk. Would you ever be happy having him bathe them again for example?

This is a terribly difficult time for you and I do hope that you have enough support. Have you gotten your financial things in order? sS might be able to help you here, or there are various women's charities like refuge that would give you advice, as well as the citizens advice bureau?

I'm so sorry OP, this is so unfair

SJCV · 29/12/2016 13:32

I think that, despite the fact that you are sure he wouldn't hurt your DC, he has put them in danger. Having contact with sex offenders surely means that there is a chance, however small, that they could find out about his family and put them at risk? And even though the children involved were not his own, they are somebody's Sad

I don't remember your previous thread, but it sounds like maybe his actions towards you we're a sign that he is not as 'nice' as he seems to the outside world. This, IMO, makes him much more dangerous than a person who we would view as being 'strange' and who would put us (and children/young people) on their guard.

The MH thing is a red herring, unless it was diagnosed before this came to light? It sounds like an excuse, and pretty offensive to you if you genuinely have a dx.

I hope you are getting the support you need.

SJCV · 30/12/2016 23:00

How are you today, OP?