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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it ME????

66 replies

SilkThreads · 27/12/2016 20:33

Background:
I have mobility probs and am on crutches. Get v tired.
Am about to have a further Operation and have been unwell for 12+ years.
I have 2 dc.
In Oct I moved area. Main reason was schooling issues for dc.
However, H and I (of 15 years) had not been doing well.
He' finds life stressful' so I'd effectively single parented for years anyway.
Since they were tiny, if they played up he'd just go to bed.
He wont help with homework, he wont cook, etc etc.
Main reason for move was school but
We agreed to live separately for the foreseeable future but to co-parent children, and to share all important events for them
I have found it no harder to manage than when sharing a house with him.
I suspect he likes being a Disney Dad at weekends and leaving me to do the grunt in the week.
Issue:
So, I arranged a 3 day trip for kids as a surprise as they got no summer hols the last 3 years. It involves a long train trip, (no prob, I can sit) but then a longish day at an attraction This is the bit I am worried about. Since arranging it, I've become worried I cant manage it, physically.

I contacted my Mum. She replied that she cant manage anything before Easter. It's only 1 day, and she's not seen the kids for 4 years, but, hey...

I contacted an old friend in London. She was initially very keen, but is now saying it will be a 'nuisance' and I know that it will bring the kids down if it is obvious she doesn't want to be there (ands he will make it obvious). This is one child's Godparent,

So, today I asked H if he'd come. I hosted Xmas and he did nothing towards it, I bought and paid for it all and did all cooking etc. I thought it was nice for kids to see their Dad but it was all done by me.
I explained the circs re the trip and said I was worried I'd have to cancel (all non changeable tickets, to save money, so the trip would be 'lost') without another adult to help and that I'd asked all possible others.

He havered on about 'practical difficulties' (all of which are easily overcome). When I pointed that out, he said he thinks he'd' find it too stressful' so I am on my own with it.

FFS. Feel really let down tonight.
Am worried I will let the kids down by not being able to manage it.
I know it's my fault, as I arranged it.
But you'd think between Grandma, Godparent and their own Father, someone would lend a hand to make sure they don't miss out?

OP posts:

Original poster

SilkThreads · 29/12/2016 09:15

I have realilsed that he derives some of his self esteem from me being 'dependent' on him.
He does a REALLY nice number with the neighbours and family re having a 'disabled wife and son'.
He is still on special hours at work bet they don't know we are living separately.
He also has a history of withdrawing that help at the 11th hour.
He does a lot of prolonged sulking and not speaking too

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 29/12/2016 09:17

He's a twat, my ex does that tells everyone he'd love to have his kids more but he "can't" be bothered so I'm removing the dilemma for him. So far so good and everyone knows where they are.

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 10:18

I'd be very tempted to ask your neighbours to keep an eye on your house for your while you're away because your dh isn't about and casually drop into the conversation that he isn't going with you because the poor lamb finds spending time with you all so stressful....

pointythings · 29/12/2016 11:05

I'd be informing his work officially that you are now living separately, 'just in case HR needs to know'. He isn't helping you at all anyway, you have nothing to lose.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 29/12/2016 11:09

Op for private transport could you try Über?

Install the app on your phone. They are very cheap compared to black cabs and mini-cab companies.

Make 2017 the year you try to surround yourself with loving caring friends.

I hope you all have a great time!

Newbrummie · 29/12/2016 11:11

pointythings - that's rather malicious and none of her business - if he gets sacked that won't improve op's finances will it ?

Original poster

SilkThreads · 29/12/2016 11:27

pointy if he lost his job it wouldn't help in general so I wont. But I do despise him slightly for using his ds' difficulties to make his life easier while finding him 'too difficult' to go on a 3 day trip with. Sad sad man.

And, actually, ds isn't esp difficult anyway. He gets tired, and needs kindness, tha';s all. Just his Dad is sadly not a kind person.

H has a work colleague in our old village. THey will have noticed the kids are no longer at the school. So, it depends on whether his colleague puts 2 and 2 together, or cares

I wash my hands of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilkThreads · 29/12/2016 11:30

sorry, lots of unattributed 'he's' in that. But I expect you can work out which one I respect, and which one I don't!

If H had come to London there would have been some sort of drama anyway. Last time I took them on the cable car thingy by myself (on my crutches, it's been long term). H stayed in the hotel room as he was ''tired'.

OP posts:

pointythings · 29/12/2016 12:56

Yeah, I know it wouldn't help. But it grates that he is getting preferential treatment because of his disabled ds and then not doing anything to help with his disabled ds.

You would be massively better off without him in your life.

pointythings · 29/12/2016 12:57

I hope you get your trip sorted out with all the offers of help you've had.

Original poster

SilkThreads · 29/12/2016 16:20

pointy so far, everyone who has offered cannot help that day.

Entirely my own fault for picking a weekday Thursday when people are bound to be back at work!

never mind, it will all come right somehow and if not I will do it on my knees if needed.

And, do you konow what, the offers have put SUCH a spring in my step.
THANK YOU to all for yoiur kindnesses and info. I WILL do this and I@ll post a pic after I've done it to prove it to you all

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 29/12/2016 16:33

You go Silk ! I get why the whole trip and long day might be daunting,but HP studios are not that bad. Plus the upside of it being a work day is it means it won't be so busy. Hope you and the kids enjoy it and have a lovely mini holiday.

HappyFlappy · 29/12/2016 16:42

If you do hire/borrow a mobility scooter, do check the size - I have just had a look at the site, and mobility scooters/electric wheelchairs over a certain size aren't allowed for H&S reasons - that's why they make manual ones available.

Would your GP give you painkillers which might help you for a day? Strong analgesics aren't usually god for you in the long run, but as a one off perhaps would be acceptable.

I do hope you manage to get and that you and your DCs have a lovely day out.

I'v never met you H but I want to kick him where it hurts. The git!

HappyFlappy · 29/12/2016 16:42

Would your GP give you painkillers which might help you for a day? Strong analgesics aren't usually god for you in the long run, but as a one off perhaps would be acceptable.

I do hope you manage to get and that you and your DCs have a lovely day out.

I'v never met you H but I want to kick him where it hurts. The git!

pointythings · 29/12/2016 16:44

Silk I have absolute confidence in you. You will do this. You will have the most amazing day with your DC.

And then you can get on with getting rid of your H who is a waste of breathable air.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 29/12/2016 16:49

DH did Harry Potter on crutches he has chronic fatigue and damaged joints (that looks really WRONG now I've typed it...)

He says it's really easy to get round if you have poor mobility. He didn't do it with kids though (it was a trip with work)

I hope you can do it OP. It's both lovely and shite that strangers on tinternet have offered more help than your own useless family.

Do you know anyone in Girl Guiding? I wonder if this is the kind of thing a Young Leader could assist with. If it was near me it round up some of ours to help.

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