My boyfriend is Bisexual

[lisacraw78]

Hi guys!

I desperately need some advice. Ok here goes...

I met my boyfriend through online dating in April 16. We started off as friends as I had no intentions of getting into a relationship. We went for coffee, lunches, movies, etc without any physical contact what so ever. Then in July16 we both decided to be more than friends....hence we started dating and sex was amazing.

Things were great. Absolutely great. He is the most caring guy ive met. But since mid November something was off, I couldn't understand what was going on. He wouldn't want to meet up, but he called me everyday without fail. So I thought I was over reacting and over thinking things.

2 weeks ago we went for a movie, it was great, but there was no intimacy at all, not even kissing, we hadn't seen eachother for almost 2 weeks, and it was bothering me now all evening. So that night after I went back home I blew up on the phone with him, I lost my cool, couldn't take it anymore. Asked him if he was seeing someone else or if his feelings had changed, I asked him to be honest and He assured me that there was nothing going on and he just needed time to sort some issues relating to family and financial problems.

However on lastnight we met up we were supposed to go for dinner but instead we sat in the car, he brought beer and said he needed to talk. So I asked him "are you gay because all the signs were pointing to that" he said he was bisexual.

I was in shock, Still am and angry that he took so long to tell me, hid all this and this whole time I was feeling bad thinking its all my fault. I kept thinking maybe my actions have changed that's why hes behaving like this.

He told me he was sorry and embarrassed and i could see it in his eyes and said that he was trying to change himself but he cant, he is who he is and that we can be friends but not in a relationship. He said i can see other people but not tell him about it, because he wont be able to take it, so if i was sleeping with someone he doesnt want to know. He said he didn't tell me all this because he was trying to change himself as he really wanted to be with me but he just physically cant and also he didn't want to want to lose me . He was genuinely sorry it was obvious.

I don't know how to handle this. I love him...I don't know what to do. I told him that I need time to process things. I'm trying, really am, but I'm hurting like shit. I respect his sexuality, I just wished he was honest from the beginning. But then again I thanked him for opening up lastnight

I don't know if I can handle being friends? I don't know if I should completely cut him out? please help.

Take a step back from it sweetheart and stop replying for now.
Just text and say you need time alone at the moment to think things through. Then concentrate on making yourself feel better, spend time with other friends or family.

You're not the first person he has treated in this way and I doubt you'll be the last. You sound like a generous person with huge empathy but sometimes you need to put yourself first. You deserve better than this.

The most effective lies are ones based on truth.

There is no denying his pain is very real. It is simply that he is solely and completely the cause of it. That he uses it as a reason to excuse pain he causes to other people and he lacks the self awareness to stop that cycle of repeatedly hurting other people.

You are not a therapist and you do not have the skills to help him even if you had an appropriate relationship.

You will get no peace unless you go NC for a significant period IMO.

If, once you have processed this in your own way, you would like to be friends then is the time.

This constant pestering you about being sorry is still all about him - he wants to still have control over you and to feed off you emotionally. If it was about you he would be primarily concerned about giving you space to heal and accepting that the most sensible thing to do for you would be to never speak to you again.

Just for information the way I would interpret it is;

Truth - he is upset. Lie - he is upset because you are hurt (he is upset because he has lost control).

Truth - he has issues with his sexuality. Lie - that he is confused (he knows his sexuality but is homophobic)

Truth - he wants you to be his best friend. Lie - his idea of a best friend is not the same as yours (he sees himself as the dominant friend and your relationship centring around him).

Truth - he wants to know if you are ok. Lie - he doesn't care about your feeling hurt unless it means you act of that and cut him out of your life (he is really checking he is still in control and pressuring you to stay in his control).

Truth - you deserve the truth. Lie - everything he is portraying as the truth (he is deploying tactical honesty to follow tactical dishonesty with a dog whistle thrown in designed to make you feel he is honourable whilst behaving dishonourably).

Oh and the best;

Truth - he has been struggling inside. Lie - that this struggle with his sexuality/relationships/homophobia is recent or that the subject matter of the struggle is his sexuality. (He may have been indulging in a secret struggle about how badly he is treating you but only in a set pitying way, not because he cares about your feelings).

If you unpick the timeline a bit you see the thread of his control running through it.

He signed up to a dating website, picked someone who was not looking for anything, love bombed, declared feelings, withdrew, deployed this 'truth' bomb and is pestering you to still be his BFF...

This stuff creates a pathological attachment through trauma bonding and simultaneously excuses every bad thing he does to you.

I married this guy (OK, maybe not this guy, but certainly a very close simulacrum). Absolutely loved me, then told me he was 'bisexual' but was still happy being only with me. After two years of marriage, decided he was 'bored', wanted to 'see other people' (ie, men). But, by this point I was so besotted with him I was devasted - after all, he'd told me he was so fine with his sexuality that he could devote himself to me...
He's gay. He was lying to himself and me. He too wanted to remain my 'best friend', but wanted that to take the form of me helping him to find men to date, to be there to listen to him analyse his dates, etc etc. But that just messed with my head so badly that I had to block and ignore him. And, basically, he used me to try to mock up the life he wanted, then realised what he really wanted was men, but to keep me on the back burner in case it all fell through and then he could cry on my shoulder.
User, player and bastard.
OK, so maybe your guy was in denial. But, as Offred says, it does smack of control issues...

In all his apologies, where are his assurances that he's going to dedicate himself to making sure that he never does this to anyone again?

Because, as PPs have said, it sounds like it's still all about him. Especially when he's screwed over someone this badly, he should be concentrating on his duty to other people, that is, minimising the effect of his issues on them.

I had this kind of thing happen, but with an asexual man rather than a gay man, and it left me feeling filty and violated, and I don't use those words lightly. Not because of his sexuality, but, I think, because it was almost like he was acting like I was always the one in a position of power because I was the one who enjoyed sex with people of a different gender. Which he viewed as the "normal" thing. Or as if I was incapable of being hurt just because he was - unbeknownst to me - the one in the socially weaker position. As if I wasn't a vulnerable human being like any other. However malicious or otherwise his intentions, it all had a bad enough effect on my mental health - which was already not great, as he well knew - that I've never bothered trying to forgive him.

I don't want to say what would be right for you, but personally, unless he stops complaining about how bad he feels about his behaviour and knuckles down and makes it a priority to not abuse people in future, I'd ditch him completely.

And Offred's posts are spot on (in fact it's helping me to read them now, years down the line!).

gosh this is so messed up! why do people do this? why cant people just be honest and then let the person decide if they want to be with you or not? ive asked him to stop contacting me, I do need time alone to process things, this is too much to take on. he has agreed to give me my space said it will be very hard but will wait to hear from me...right now that seems the right thing to do. thank you all for your time and support, appreciate it.

Some people do it because they find delayed gratification difficult and because they don't feel the need to be self aware when they can get immediate rewards (even if bad in the medium to long term) by behaving this way. They often have an external locus of control as a way of avoiding responsibilities.

Nothing to be done for them unless they seek therapy/have an epiphany.

Providing them more rewards (time and care) after they have hurt you on the basis that they only did it because they were sad/in difficulty just prolongs their current pattern.

It doesn't mean you can't care for them or help them, it just means you don't continue to reinforce their pathological behaviour.

This guy for example I think if you really wanted to be helpful you could possibly explain that him having difficulties does not mean he gets to use and exploit others, that you absolutely could not be friends now because he has treated you very badly, that you aren't the first woman he has done this to - so the idea that he has issues with his sexuality that mean he has to behave this way doesn't wash, and that you think the only thing holding him back from being happy is himself and his choices to use and abuse those who care for him and seek out exploitative 'relationships'. Suggest he has therapy before attempting another relationship and then cease contact.

BUT you don't owe him any form of kindness or help and the risks compared to the potential rewards are very high. He has behaved horribly to you and the above carries with it the massive risk that it just serves as further communication that you are interested in his needs, opening the risk of further pestering and using.

I feel very strongly that being messed up is not a reason to hurt others and that if someone who has done it and knows it is wrong, they don't keep pestering about forgiveness and being friends. If they don't know it you are really unlikely to convince them because they have already shown they don't respect you by using you and why would they therefore listen to anything you have to say?