My boyfriend is Bisexual

[lisacraw78]

Hi guys!

I desperately need some advice. Ok here goes...

I met my boyfriend through online dating in April 16. We started off as friends as I had no intentions of getting into a relationship. We went for coffee, lunches, movies, etc without any physical contact what so ever. Then in July16 we both decided to be more than friends....hence we started dating and sex was amazing.

Things were great. Absolutely great. He is the most caring guy ive met. But since mid November something was off, I couldn't understand what was going on. He wouldn't want to meet up, but he called me everyday without fail. So I thought I was over reacting and over thinking things.

2 weeks ago we went for a movie, it was great, but there was no intimacy at all, not even kissing, we hadn't seen eachother for almost 2 weeks, and it was bothering me now all evening. So that night after I went back home I blew up on the phone with him, I lost my cool, couldn't take it anymore. Asked him if he was seeing someone else or if his feelings had changed, I asked him to be honest and He assured me that there was nothing going on and he just needed time to sort some issues relating to family and financial problems.

However on lastnight we met up we were supposed to go for dinner but instead we sat in the car, he brought beer and said he needed to talk. So I asked him "are you gay because all the signs were pointing to that" he said he was bisexual.

I was in shock, Still am and angry that he took so long to tell me, hid all this and this whole time I was feeling bad thinking its all my fault. I kept thinking maybe my actions have changed that's why hes behaving like this.

He told me he was sorry and embarrassed and i could see it in his eyes and said that he was trying to change himself but he cant, he is who he is and that we can be friends but not in a relationship. He said i can see other people but not tell him about it, because he wont be able to take it, so if i was sleeping with someone he doesnt want to know. He said he didn't tell me all this because he was trying to change himself as he really wanted to be with me but he just physically cant and also he didn't want to want to lose me . He was genuinely sorry it was obvious.

I don't know how to handle this. I love him...I don't know what to do. I told him that I need time to process things. I'm trying, really am, but I'm hurting like shit. I respect his sexuality, I just wished he was honest from the beginning. But then again I thanked him for opening up lastnight

I don't know if I can handle being friends? I don't know if I should completely cut him out? please help.

support him to explore relationships with men if you can? This seems to be what he wants** what? Stay friends but the above why?

She seems to care about him and she also seems really very together and empathetic. He's going to keep doing this to women until someone helps him feel confident enough to reach out to make relationships with men - which seems to be his preference. If OP feels that she's in a position to help him that'd be kind and perhaps stop the cycle, wouldn't it?

Grace sorry but I think that is poor advice based on misconceptions. Sexuality is not causing this issue. What has caused this issue is that he is a person who chooses to use people rather than take responsibility for himself.

There are lots of people around who are like that, the best name for them is 'abuser'.

One of the myths that keep women in abusive relationships with men is the idea that a 'troubled' man needs female support to 'help' them learn to manage their emotions/behaviours.

Lots of people have difficulties to cope with but people who choose to deal with difficulties by exploiting other people do not need more 'support' because all that does is further reinforce their ideas that other people are there to be exploited because they feel bad.

Sexuality issues could well be replaced by 'troubled childhood' or any of the other issues abusive people use to extort kindness and care from others which they then abuse.

Well, I'll slightly modify that to say do not need more support from people they have exploited and abused... frequently they need more support but from professional services set around their needs and which have a structure they find difficult to exploit...

I would advise a break from him. See how you feel about a friendship after a few weeks. At the moment, you're probably hurt, confused and angry but also finding it hard to let go.

I think you need to ask him if he slept with men during your sexual relationship. There seems to have been a pivotal point when he was cool towards you and refusing to meet up so I do wonder if he has met another guy.
You should get yourself checked at a sexual health clinic.

Quite simply, he's not your friend. He used you to work out his issues on, and now he thinks he can dictate the terms of an ongoing "friendship" in which he keeps you hanging around because he knows you have feelings for him, he gets a free therapist to talk to about all of his issues and feeds off the drama of knowing you still like him, but you don't get to talk about what's going on in your life or move on from him.

Women don't have any responsibility to help men like this work out their issues around their sexuality. Just bin him.

His actions have caused OP emotional harm without a doubt, however, we have no evidence that he deliberately set out to harm her. We do not know that his intention was to hurt or harm her which would then definitively identify him as an abuser.

At this point, it seems that he is a troubled individual who desperately wants to be in a relationship with a woman, the OP in this case but he has come to realise that this isn't possible and importantly, he has openly shared that with OP.

Even the OP who has been harmed believes that his feelings are genuine, so no, he doesn't appear to be wanting to harm her, does he?

Thank you all for your support. It's true I am hurting and I am angry but I also feel sorry for him he seems to be lost. He said this is a curse he can't even be happy and in a normal relationship. He took responsibility for lieing and deceiving me and he knows it will take alot of time for me to forgive him but I also feel it was very brave of him to tell me all this. He showed me pictures of him with his ex partner who was a guy he told me he watches men porn and alot of weird stuff. I was in shock. Still am. But i think it was very brave of him to do that even if it took him months to admit it. I dont think i would have been able to do that. He also said one thing that made my heart sink...he has a daughter with ex wife and he said when my daughter grows up she'll be so embarrassed of me because obviously my ex wife will tell her through reason for our break up. He is a nice guy Yeah he used me or maybe he was really trying to have a normal relationship which he said he was either way I feel if I keep holding on to three anger I won't move on. I want to forgive him and be his friend. I don't know if that's a good idea but why can't 2 people be friends very good friends? Do they have to be sexually? Would it be right for me to give him marching orders for being honest? What he does with other women in the future is not my problem at the moment he is genuinely sorry and embarrassed and I want to be there for him just like he was always there for me. I feel if I forgive him I'll be free...holding onto.pain is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Let me know your thoughts on this. Please.

we have no evidence that he deliberately set out to harm her

The vast majority of abusers don't deliberately set out to hurt people. That is reserved for a small group of psychopathic abusers. Most abusers simply hurt and exploit people because their belief systems mean they feel entitled to behave the way they behave.

Plus his marriage broke down because of this and he admitted to the op that he had 'been trying to be different' which shows he was somewhat cognisant of his behaviour and choices.

he has been brace being honest with you now given his own homophobia but he has so many issues and has taken them out on you I don't think being friends will help you at all.

He was 'there for' you because he was love bombing you knowing that he didn't really want to be in a relationship.

I think the only way you will move on is if you do not go forward being friends. At the most basic level you just can't be friends with someone you have feelings for and you can forgive someone and move on without continuing in a friendship.

He may not have set out to harm the op but he was aware he was struggling with his sexuality. He knew there was a good chance the relationship wasn't going anywhere and tried drop use the op as a distraction not as a partner. He used her.

Op, taking time away from him or deciding not to actively support him isn't punishing him for being honest. He is being honest now because he had no choice. It got to much and you picked up on his behaviour.

What you do is totally up to you. And actually if enters another relationship with a woman and does this again and again...can you really support him? What if he meets a woman and decides that actually she is the one for him. That actually he is bisexual and it was just that he hadn't met the right person in you.

Can you honestly say you would be fine with that?

Plus there is another way of looking at his behaviour - that he love bombed you knowing he was emotionally unavailable and then when you got feelings for him and were on the hook he used emotional honesty to try and manipulate you into continuing to be in his life despite hurting you.

If this was the fifties when homosexuality was criminalised then I'd have more sympathy but it is 2016 and he has little reason other than his own homophobia to treat others like this. Plus I'd be worried that he also has a low opinion of women if he thinks that he can 'practice' on them repeatedly - why would you want a friend who is both homophobic and sexist?

The best thing for him would be to learn you can't treat women this way and to get proper support to work through his issues with homosexuality in a therapeutic environment.

So he already had a marriage end because of his confusion over his sexuality, and instead of dealing with it he chose to become involved in another heterosexual relationship which was always going to end up with the other party being hurt.

This isn't a case of someone just realising about his sexuality, it's about him knowing and yet choosing himself not to accept it. I don't think he's brave at all. He's a dishonest user who doesn't give a shit about who he hurts in pursuit of the answers he doesn't yet have.

Years ago my SIL went out with someone who turned out to be gay. But they were still teens, just getting into relationships, and so when he came out it really was a case of him realising rather than feeling he had something to prove iyswim. This isn't remotely like that. This man knows he's gay. His ex wife knows he's gay. Did he have gay affairs perhaps hence the marriage ending? Having ended one relationship because of his sexuality he should be working things out for himself, not signing up to bloody online dating sites and having sex with women who have no idea that he's only using them to try and heal himself.

OP he's not your friend and never will be. Block his number and move on without a backward glance. Nothing to do with his sexuality, everything to do with the kind of person he is.

Damn u guys are so right. I feel like a fool.

Please listen to offred, she is completely on the button.

All this drama about "I'll never have a normal relationship" is bollocks and fake angst to get you to feel sorry for him and is actually just homophobia. Most gay men have normal relationships just like most straight men.

Walk about now because he's just using you.

He's gay and struggling with it.

I'm still good friends with my gay ex boyfriend who confessed to being 'bisexual' to me. I was his last girlfriend.

Oh though I should say I didn't see gay ex for years after we split up - we're friends now (& we were teenagers and he's been out since 18).

Don't entangle yourself in his drama - agree with everyone saying that.

He does sound quite selfish. I understand he is struggling with his sexuality but it all seems to be about him, his feelings and inner turmoil.
What about how you feel? Is he interested in that? Would he help you through a difficult time? That's what friends would do. It's not a friendship if he is using you as some sort of counsellor.
Being honest now and asking for forgiveness doesn't absolve the awful way he treated you. Your relationship was based on lies and he essentially pretended to be someone he wasn't.

I hope you are ok. He must have really messed with your head and I think it will take time to process all this. Concentrating on yourself for now and cutting contact with him is probably best.

Oh you poor thing OP. This man has got himself into a right old mess and dragged you unwittingly into it too. How that must HURT.

People can get themselves into some spectacular messes when they are trying to be something they are not. I agree that it does sound like he might be a closeted gay man or needing (a lot) more time to explore and get comfortable with bisexuality. He has been dishonest with you because he is struggling with himself and he is so deep into his own pain that he is too self-absorbed to see past it. It happens. IMO, it makes him a mess, not a bastard.

But only he can sort that out in his own good time - you need to protect yourself by giving him a very wide berth indeed. Dont hold your breath waiting for this one and don't try to help, counsel or comfort.

If he were truly bi, had done roamin', and was available to commit to you, it would be a very different story. (Am bi and happily loved up for 15 years).

People cross from in a mess into bastard in a mess when they use, hurt and exploit people and blame it on being in a mess IMO.

Is nothing to do with his sexuality either. Is to do with being a person who feels entitled to use other people because he feels bad. There are plenty of those people who come in all genders, sexualities, races etc. They are best avoided unless/until they cease believing that being in a mess entitles them to mess with other people.

Particularly harmful people of this ilk use a combination of emotional unavailability and emotional honesty specifically to extort things they want from others - usually people who care for them... it is highly manipulative not bravery.

He has been in a number of these relationships not least a marriage which ended because of it and has still signed up to a dating website looking for relationships with women. This is not by mistake or with good intentions and even if it were intentions and mistakes are totally trumped by the negative effects his behaviour and choices have had on you OP.

His behaviour follows classic abuser tactics too btw - love bombing to hook you, withdrawal to make you anxious then tactical honesty designed to hook you into a cycle of drama and make everything about him and his pain and how hard things are for him so that you don't get any space to exist in your relationship with him.

He will say he wants to be friends but I would be willing to bet he will try to have sex with you again if you do, purely in a bid to prolong this drama on which he feeds.

You are not a fool btw. You just had the misfortune to encounter an abuser in your dating exploits.

And his angst is very real he just has either not realised that his choices/beliefs are the cause of it - homophobia plus using people guarantees he will never have a normal relationship. Quite simply though, as a person he has treated without any respect, you cannot help him with anything, the pattern of your interactions with him will follow him using and exploiting you.

Best chance he has of happiness is to be dropped immediately by everyone he uses and exploits in the hope that he eventually realised the problem with him is him.

He texted me saying that he is genuinely sorry. He feels embarrassed and very guilty. He also feels he shouldn't have told me and just cut me lose but he needed to be honest with me as I deserved to know the truth...I only feel sorry because I can feel he is suffering. He keeps checking in on me and making sure I am ok - he wants me to forgive him and be his best friend be by his side and he wants to be by mine. Yes hes always been by my side, no doubt. I told him I don't know if I can ever trust him again and any relationship without trust is pointless. He said when we met, we were best friends, there was nothing physical, then he had feelings for me and things changed...he has been struggling from inside but couldn't tell me because he wanted to make me happy...I don't know what to believe atm. I'm so confused...I feel if I forgive him I will feel at peace, but I cant seem to forget all this...im so fkn messed up. He never promised me anything we were just dating, but it all seems like a fkn joke, seems like it was all lies. and then it feels like he was trying, he wanted to try and have a normal relationship, but sexually he cant. Ive to admit, he was never great in bed, I always felt there was something missing, but now it makes sense. His sexual preference is towards men. I can understand that and I don't want to judge him, but I feel so hurt and abused. I feel lost angry and I also feel sorry for him....he keeps texting me and saying sorry since Saturday night. Hes cried infront of me and even on the phone. It could be drama or true, I don't know what to believe anymore. My mind is so messed up. I want to support him as a friend - but can I forgive him? Maybe with time I can, but right now my emotions are all over the place.