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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel suffocated

43 replies

LittleBee23 · 26/12/2016 23:40

I'm at the end of my rope with hubby.
He is the most risk averse person I've ever met. He never used to be this bad but it's becoming suffocating.
It's turning into an excuse not to live and it's starting to bring me down majorly.

It sounds so petty as it's lots of little things but all added up I feel like I'm just back living as a child at my mum's where I'm told no I can't do things all the time.

Anything from a new headboard to a day out with the kids is vetoed because it's 'too much hassle' or 'it might go wrong'. He finds an excuse not to do anything.

After months researching a holiday and finding a hotel i thought would be perfect for us as a family and we sitting waiting for it to come down in price (we've not been on a holiday in 6 years because every year he decided we shouldn't go as it's too much money or the kids are too young or their ears might hurt on the plane or they might be a handful) and him agreeing that if it did come down in price we would book it, he has now refused to book it today (when it's come down in price) because he wants to do more research into it to get it cheaper or find a different hotel etc.

I am just so fed up with never getting to do anything. Everything is a battle, even getting anything decorated is a nightmare because he wants everything beige. There is no colour in my home and no colour in my life. Everything is just beige and boring and dull and I feel so held back and sucked under.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 26/12/2016 23:41

Have you told him this?

Original poster
LittleBee23 · 26/12/2016 23:45

I've tried lots of times to explain to him how this makes me feel. He smiles and nods and then nothing changes.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 26/12/2016 23:48

Are you saying you want to split up ?

LusciousLych33 · 26/12/2016 23:51

Holidays are normally cheaper the earlier you book unless you book about 3 days before or not in school holidays. This would be a deal breaker for me, but only you know what sort of life you want to live. You have one life, you have to choose if you want a great life or no life

Original poster
LittleBee23 · 26/12/2016 23:52

I honestly don't know. I just feel so overwhelmingly black because everything is such a battle and it's so exhausting being married to him. He's a lovely guy and he tries and he's a wonderful dad but I feel like we've grown incompatible over the years.
I just can't bear the thought of my kids having a broken family. I grew up that way and it was awful and I can't do that to them. I want to fix it all and for us to all be happy together and to give them the stability I never had but it's so hard when I feel every decision we make, from big to littl, needs months of discussion and research and planning and arguing.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 26/12/2016 23:57

Speak to your GP about it, get some advice. He could have a mental illness.

Sounds like a beige hell, op Flowers

Kr1stina · 26/12/2016 23:57

I guess you know that you can't change him. And he doesn't want to try and change himself, otherwise he would have sought help before now.

You sound utterly exhausted by it all.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 27/12/2016 00:03

he may be just very anxious rather than stubborn - would help to consult a doctor on this.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/12/2016 00:11

Why do you let every choice be his choice? Why does only his opinion matter? Are you a child?

Take the decorating for example.

You want a bright purple wall, paint the fucking wall bright purple.

Why if he wants a beige wall and you don't, why the fuck does he always get the beige wall? If you have different tastes why isn't the house all your taste instead of all his taste, or different room by room? Why do you let him be the boss of you?

How about you stop asking for permission to live your life the way you want?

You are an adult. Make your own choices.

You don't need the resident grown up's permission.

Or do you actually like giving him ownership of your life?

Houseofmirth66 · 27/12/2016 00:16

Your post really struck a chord. I could cope with my husband getting progressively duller but not if that meant my joy, optimism and sense of fun had to be crushed too. In truth that's why it was so easy for me to fall in love with someone else. Her energy and surprising take on life has given me a renewed positivity and optimism. It's been good for my marriage. I'm happier and more patient with him and family life is more harmonious.

Original poster
LittleBee23 · 27/12/2016 00:16

I think that's a bit harsh. I try to make decisions together and make compromises. I'm only starting to realise that he 'compromises' on a lot of the little things and I compromise on the big things.

It not exactly helpful to a marriage to start making all the decisions witviu consulting the other person at all. I don't see that doing that would solve the issue or make things better, only that I would be getting my own way all the time.
If that was all I wanted then I would have left before now

I do worry that he is depressed. I don't think he would reach out for help with it though which makes it difficult to help him through it.

OP posts:
Planetarymagic1 · 27/12/2016 00:22

If you started just making the decisions then that takes some of the responsibility for the decision off him. Just book the holiday, and paint the wall. It's only two things.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/12/2016 00:40

It might be harsh but it must be true or you wouldn't be in this situation.

I agree that compromise is generally good. But you aren't compromising. You are letting him have his way even though it is severely damaging your mental health and is destroying your marriage.

Every time you agree to not go out for the day or not go on holiday or not paint the wall neon yellow, you are not compromising, you are telling him that on balance you think he is more right than you. You are reinforcing the negativity. He never gets to see that you feel more strongly about the other choice. He sees that you realise your foolishness, see the danger and avoid disaster because he set you straight.

Instead, do the thing you want, and let him learn that actually you are capable of making big decisions and things worked out OK. And even if they didn't it's not the end of the world.

Think about it, you are asking a depressed person to assess and approve all decisons, expecting them to see the possible positive future. Depressed people aren't generally the best cheerleaders for change. They generally think everything is too hard and too awful which is why you might do better if you stop letting the depressed person make all the big choices.

jeaux90 · 27/12/2016 00:42

Yep book the damn holiday. Why would you put up with years of no holiday??

jeaux90 · 27/12/2016 00:43

And I agree with pp he should go see a GP

Original poster
LittleBee23 · 27/12/2016 00:44

I do push for the things I want though and it just turns into such a massive argument and drama that it's not worth it and creates so much hostility in the long run.

I feel like I need to choose between doing nothing and never moving forward with anything or arguing about every piddling decision down the nth degree. I don't know which is worse.

Maybe what you're saying is true about asking a depressed person to make the decisions but maybe I'm not trusting myself to be forceful enough as I'm still recovering from pnd and this situation isn't helping me rise out of it as I feel I have nothing to look forward to.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 27/12/2016 00:48

And if it's both their money, what then?

We wouldn't take kindly to someone posting on here that her husband had booked a holiday, using joint family money, that was specifically against the op's wishes.

I'm guessing it's this that has got you hamstrung in the relationship, op.

Original poster
LittleBee23 · 27/12/2016 00:53

Very much springy. I feel a family holiday or decorating is a big decision that I would be raging about if hubby made the decision against my wishes just because it was what he wanted and he didn't agree with me.
It is a lot of money but equally we have no debt other than mortgage and car loans and we are pretty comfy so I feel that having a holiday is important as a family.

OP posts:
namechange102 · 27/12/2016 04:35

Sounds like he's going back on his word though (not booking when the price came down) and creating drama rather than having to do anything or spend money. I can only speak from personal experience, but would a genuinely depressed person make such a big deal about someone else making changes and decisions? I get that his outlook may be very negative if depressed, but then wouldn't he find it easier if you did make more decisions which he wasn't accountable for?

Kazplus2 · 27/12/2016 05:01

How about you give him a compromise of allowing him 14 days to find the same holiday cheaper and if he doesn't you agree to YOU going ahead and booking this one, emphasising the risk that prices could equally go up too. Explain to him while doing this that this is your compromise and you think he is being unreasonable but will do this as a final concession.

Bohemond · 27/12/2016 06:49

Do something OP.

My parents are like this. My dad is the stingiest person alive and my mother has acquiesced, even though she has easily earned 50% of their income over their lifetime. At 70 their life is grey and dull and I find it hard spending time with them. It is all on the pretext of 'not being a burden' but really my father is scared of making a wrong decision on anything.

They will be buried in gilded coffins.

BadRespawn · 27/12/2016 07:04

This is anxiety, OP, as at least one previous poster has mentioned. I know because I suffer from this myself (although to nothing like the same degree, from the sound of it). I too get fretful when on-the-spot decisions need to be made as I hate the idea of a wrong call. Similarly, I will wear clothing eg. shoes until they are basically falling apart because I don't want to spend the money in case it is needed for other things (this particular trait especially exasperates/amuses my DW Blush). Nothing will change until, like me, he takes ownership of his fears, admits to himself that they are becoming life-limiting - for others, if not for him - and seeks help for himself. I hear that a good CBT therapist can work wonders, although for me I have essentially just been firm with myself and forced myself to stay calm and rational in triggering situations, which helps my thought processes far better than entering a blind panic. He really needs that GP visit, whether he realises/admits it or not. If it helps, he's almost certainly not doing it maliciously; he may simply not understand the extent of his issue, as it was for me Smile

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/12/2016 08:50

DH and I would murder each other if we discussed every choice. Instead we tend to hand over a decision to the other, with some conditions. For example, I choose paint colours but I know what kind of things he loathes; he chooses washing powder and he knows about middle child's sensitive skin; we agree a budget, date range and type of holiday then one of us does it (or at least gets down to a couple of options to choose between).

I find it interesting that you say you would be raging if he made a decision against your wishes yet that is exactly what is happening. He makes decisions against your wishes because he never lets your decision be the right decision and turns it into such a horrible discussion that you run away with your tail between your legs.

How much care does he take over your emotional well-being in general?

Hellooooitsme · 27/12/2016 08:54

Is his fear of booking the holiday actually about the money or does he not want to go? It does sound like anxiety to me and avoiding doing things to make him feel safe.

Or is he just boring?

Tryingfailingagain · 27/12/2016 09:15

Sounds like anxiety to me, my exdp suffered and wouldn't admit it for years. We couldn't do anything, there was an excuse for avoiding everything!
I would imagine he has very set patterns that he can cope with? And outside of those he panics and the panic is defensive and ultimately makes you feel like the bad person so you don't suggest or do anything that changes the status quo again?
All the crying and begging never changed a thing the only thing that worked was, I left him,he got help then, it had turned into a very abusive co-dependant relationship
He also compromised on the little things, but never the big.
I would say book the holiday, though I did that once though and he didn't come and he held that against me for years, because I was selfish and didn't ask him first. So I know how difficult it is.
Can you mention that you read an article on anxiety and think that there are similarities in his behaviour and has he thought about it? At least it might get the ball rolling

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