Feel suffocated

[LittleBee23]

I'm at the end of my rope with hubby.
He is the most risk averse person I've ever met. He never used to be this bad but it's becoming suffocating.
It's turning into an excuse not to live and it's starting to bring me down majorly.

It sounds so petty as it's lots of little things but all added up I feel like I'm just back living as a child at my mum's where I'm told no I can't do things all the time.

Anything from a new headboard to a day out with the kids is vetoed because it's 'too much hassle' or 'it might go wrong'. He finds an excuse not to do anything.

After months researching a holiday and finding a hotel i thought would be perfect for us as a family and we sitting waiting for it to come down in price (we've not been on a holiday in 6 years because every year he decided we shouldn't go as it's too much money or the kids are too young or their ears might hurt on the plane or they might be a handful) and him agreeing that if it did come down in price we would book it, he has now refused to book it today (when it's come down in price) because he wants to do more research into it to get it cheaper or find a different hotel etc.

I am just so fed up with never getting to do anything. Everything is a battle, even getting anything decorated is a nightmare because he wants everything beige. There is no colour in my home and no colour in my life. Everything is just beige and boring and dull and I feel so held back and sucked under.

I think that is it. He's so scared of making the wrong decision that it's easier to just not make any decision and let things just tick over.

It's not the holiday that's made me upset so much as it just being this behaviour again and the battle and even when I do get 'my own way' then it's so bittersweet that whatever it is is tainted because it was such a drama trying to get It sorted.

He was meant to take me away for a night for my bday in September and he spent so long checking reviews and looking for deals and checking reviews again that it was November and still nothing was booked and it ended up ruining the whole thing for me so I just told him to forget it and then he was upset because he couldn't understand what my problem was.

I think I do need to push him into getting to gp but that's another battle 😩

This sounds so familiar. Everything nice ending up tainted. I had the same "night" away scenario exactly
It's exhausting, completely exhausting
But things will only change when you make them change because he will go on like this for the rest of his life if he can get away with it.

So your birthday was in September but by November he hasn't taken you out .

Why can't he see that's a problem ? He sounds very controlling and with no empathy.

Does he have similar problems at work? Is he unable to make a decision without weeks of debate and arguememt? He is often two months late on delivering things ?

Does he have any friends or hobbies ? How do his problem manifest there?

I wouldn't assume it's anxiety. Not much point talking about GP, mental health, getting help etc if he does not think he has a problem. My ex was like this. He was seen as sensitive and thoughtful by others but in fact he simply undermined everything I tried to do. If he reluctantly agreed to me doing something I wanted to do, he would spoil it anyway through non cooperation. He vetoed many big life decisions saying 'if we do this we're only spending x money'. I am sensible with money and he made stupid decisions. His aim in life was to thwart any of my plans or wishes. If this sounds familiar to you, Google passive-aggressive personality disorder. The Out of the Fog website is excellent.

It does sound as though he has extremely significant anxiety and depression (without wanting to be a keyboard psychiatrist). He also sounds like a massive control freak (not the PC term I know). You need to explain to him that this behaviour isn't normal and he needs help. Then you need to get smarter and stronger with your 'compromises'.

He doesn't like the holiday, then like the other poster said, give him 14 days to find a better or cheaper holiday or your booking that holiday, up to him if he comes. You are painting the wall, give him 3 swatches, tell him hes got 2 days to make a decision about which one he wants.

Day out with your kids being vetoed is just awful. Tell him you are going out, he can come up with 2 places to go and so will you and then get the kids to decide where they want to go.

Whatever it is happens or is bought but he gets to decide which one, or help set a budget so he's involved but it doesn't not happen because he says so!

I agree with PP, I would not be putting my life, or my DCs lives on hold because he is so risk averse.

I would tell him I need a holiday and would be booking one my X date - about three days away. If he didn't want to come then I wouldn't put him on the booking - possibly he will be perfectly happy with that anyway? Doesn't sound like he likes leaving home?

I really couldn't live like this. Your issues about a "broken home" are clouding your judgement OP.

Yes true he might not have anxiety
I suppose I always try and hope that people are not fundamentally aresholes
Either way you seem miserable and it's miserable making situation to be in

What if you thought hard about which aspects of having divorced parents caused you a problem as a child? Consider how you could avoid those problems. Make a good solid plan for how to leave him.

Then decide if you want to stay or go.

I wonder if you are hoping that underneath it all he has a different personality bursting to get out.

What if he genuinely likes a boring beige sitting on the sofa life? What if everything staying the same forever is his dream life? I know people like that.

Get your exit plans in order and then you will be able to see the truth less clouded by your own issues.

You could help yourself by stopping describing separated parents as a broken family. I bet that your childhood would have been even more broken if your parents had stayed together.

Your current family dynamic sounds pretty fucking broken to me.

I suppose I miss the person he used to be and keep hoping we can get that back.

When we do get time to ourselves I see a glimmer of that person I fell in love with and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.

We're both fairly sensible, risk averse people and that was one of the things that attracted me to him, however I feel as though over the years, the risk aversion has become almost an obsession with him whereas since we've had kids I've tried to loosen up a bit and want to make memories with them and do things that push me out of my comfort zone because I know they'll love it, whereas it's almost made him more guarded and risk averse. I think he finds taking them out difficult at the ages they are (4 and 1) and will focus on them kicking off once vs the other 4 lovely hours we had where we were all enjoying ourselves.

We hosted Xmas dinner for the first time this year and I think it all went really well but he's already told me he doesn't want to have it next year as it's 'too much hassle'. I don't know if some of it is just laziness tbh.

I wouldn't say our family dynamic is broken at the moment. I can't imagine not having us all together and I don't think it's fair for me to deprive my children of their dad or deprive him of them just because I'm not blissfully happy. I don't have an awful life, I just struggle with this aspect of his personality. I've just watched another two marriages in the family break down this year and have seen the impact on the kids of that. I can't do that to my kids unless it's too awful to stay.

If you like magenta for a wall colour and he likes beige why can't you compromise on a colour, they can't be the only 2 colours in the world that are acceptable.
What I mean by pointing this out is that he is not compromising at all, if he was you might have blue walls.
I think this is really worrying for your sense of self worth it might be manageable now but it's only manageable because YOU are making it so for him.
I am only saying this because I used to minimise it too, when actually it was really bad!
no holiday for 6 years? Don't you think your DC would love to have those happy memories?

OP, just book the holiday. You have discussed it, you have read reviews and checked prices. Now just book it. If he complains, just tell him you had discussed it etc. Just take the end decision out of his hands!
What a joy thief he has become. You mention he could be depressed. Is he, or is this just what he has become?

But a pp did this, Pink, and her OH refused to go on the holiday. And beat her with it for years as an example of how selfish she was.

It's not as easy as 'just' booking the holiday.

Had a good chat, bought new curtains for our room and booked holiday today 👍🏻

Congrats that's great news. Keep it up!

Too much hassle for whom, OP? You or him? Who does the donkey work eg actually puts paint on the wall, makes Christmas dinner? He sounds lazy more than anything. Is he going to make an excuse to not go on holiday?

oh BRAVO Bee!

Fantastic! Well done and keep it up!