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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop the thoughts - dh left in July

28 replies

settingsails2017 · 26/12/2016 10:16

Dh left me in July: emotional affair, blamed me for basically everything that ever happenend in his life etc. It might just be the first Christmas without him but I am still really struggling. Have been thinking about it non-stop the last couple of days, been teary. Shouldn't I be further on by now? Its been almost 6 months.

I have been trying to tell myself 'stop' and try to focus on the here and now, but the thoughts keep creeping back in. Has anyone got any book recommendation with strategies etc to try and train myself to refocus my thoughts iykwim?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Tiredbutnotyetretired · 26/12/2016 10:46

Im busy reading a book by Wayne dyer called "change your thoughts change your life", he also has some videos on youtube. Would also reccomend tony robbins youtube talks, and the practice of meditation. My mind is also like that where it is just a cog of negative thinking invading my mind if i let it wander so i have to be mindful when i get into these thinking patterns, eventually you will reach a state of accepting all that is and letting go.
Sometimes we hold onto these thaughts as they are the only thing we have left and we are naturally trying to see where the pieces of the puzzle fit, why this happened or why didnt i do that etc but try to just let it go and let it all be.
I hope you get some peace of mind soon Flowers

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 26/12/2016 10:49

Appoliogies for my terrible spelling!

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 26/12/2016 11:23

Thank you, tired, I will look into it. Yes, it's the constant analysing that my head seems to want to do. Where has it all gone wrong? Could I have done more? Maybe there is a chance? I suppose some of it has its value but I don't want it to overshadow the good suff that is happening. I am very good at replaying conversations too and it's driving me bonkers. I've just seen 'getting past your breakup' mentioned on another thread too so I think I will spend a bit of time on amazon; very handy that I got a voucher for Christmas Grin

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2016 11:46

Christmas was bound to be very difficult and there is a grief involved so don't be hard in yourself. Try and plan something everyday over the holidays to treat yourself, book, movie, visiting family. Surround yourself with family if they are supportive. It is not easy. Mind yourself.

pieceofpurplesky · 26/12/2016 11:46

Setting I am 21/2 years down the line. The first Christmas was horrendous. The second was ok. This one was fabulous. It takes time. I still have bad days and suffer really low self esteem.
It will get better.

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 26/12/2016 12:31

Thank you everyone. I am fortunate to have a lovely supportive bunch of people around me. Not many but they make up for it with their kindness and support.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/12/2016 12:37

Maybe there is a chance?

When i split from first DH, hope was the main thing that held me back. It's comforting in a way, but it keeps you engaged in the past. Can you let go of that hope? It's initially really upsetting, but then you feel all, "OK, right, what do i need to do to move forwards?" It's empowering, ultimately.

REALLY sorry this happened. It gets SO MUCH BETTER soon. Hang in there. :)

peppatax · 26/12/2016 12:42

There is another thread in relationships that is worth a read - post Christmas separation I think. Both parents and non parents on there. It's really helped me this Christmas!

WynterBlossom · 26/12/2016 13:02

Just placing my mark so can come back later and look up the books recommended!

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 26/12/2016 13:14

Christmas and the New Year magnify everything. so least that'll soon be over. You're not on your own. Best wishes.

whostolethesocks · 26/12/2016 13:21

I can't offer you any strategies. Four and a half years on and I'm still struggling so will be interested to see what people say.

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 26/12/2016 14:17

Yes, whatsgoing, you are right. I must give up on that thought. It's not helping. Every email from him makes this easier though and I am starting to feel angry rather than sad or hopeful. He refuses to deal with the aftermath of his decision and we are at a total standstill with regards to the house etc. He's like a child who doesn't want to deal with things because it's hard and inconvenient. So a lot is left for me to sort which doesn't help with the switching off.

OP posts:
Original poster
settingsails2017 · 26/12/2016 14:19

Thank you, peppa, I've been lurking on it.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 28/12/2016 17:20

*He refuses to deal with the aftermath of his decision and we are at a total standstill with regards to the house etc.8

ugh, what a twat. How much do you NEED his help? Can you get going with anything without his input? Are you selling the house?

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 28/12/2016 17:25

Hope things get better for you Flowers

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 28/12/2016 20:15

I am looking into buying him out, whatsgoing. He's just being obstructive and difficult. Should it go on the market, he doesn't want to instruct an agent, doesn't want a solicitor either. He is refusing to sign a separation agreement and keeps emailing me. No wonder I can't switch off Hmm

OP posts:
ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 28/12/2016 20:54

Have you been to see a solicitor yourself setting?

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 29/12/2016 09:01

Yes, I have and she has stressed the importance of protecting myself. There are ways to force these decisions but I had never thought it would come to this Sad. But, hey, it needs to be done.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 29/12/2016 09:17

When your life changes, it becomes about firsts and setting up your new 'normal'.

So you could be years down the line, hit another new 'first since' and be transported back in time to where you don't want to be. That's normal.

As a fascile example...I gave up smoking after changing jobs where I used a certain mode of public transport. Years later, I did that same route on the same public transport and found myself dipping into my pocket for my fags. It tapped into my old normal for that situation despite being a decade after being smoke free.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 29/12/2016 09:32

Good luck and best wishes.

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 29/12/2016 10:10

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Mandiba · 29/12/2016 10:18

Settingsails, Get yourself the book ' The Worry Trick' by David A Carbonell PHD. It's excellent & I couldn't recommend it more. I bought in book form as it's easier to pick up and read when needed.
Good luck 😉

AGBforever · 29/12/2016 11:10

What really helped me was keeping a journal. Not so much a daily thing but it really helped me work through things and move forward rather than endlessly going round in circles. I also found a large dram of whisky helped the process Smile. Good luck, that stuck feeling is so terribly frustrating.

Original poster
settingsails2017 · 29/12/2016 11:16

Danke, Mandiba.

OP posts:
Destinysdaughter · 29/12/2016 11:21

It's so hard after a breakup isn't it? It's a cliche but it's often just time that really helps in the end. A book I've found u nd really helpful is Paul McKenna I can mend your broken heart. I found doing the NLP exercises in it really useful. Ill have a look for the Amazon link for you.