Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Missing ex terribly.

38 replies

Mynameismummy37 · 25/12/2016 22:11

I don't think I can do it any more, it's literally eating me up inside and I can't cope.

He's my dcs father and we broke up 3 years ago and I constantly pine for him, I've been on dates with other men but they're just not him. He has a gf and it breaks my heart that he wants to be with her and not me, he spent today with us and when he was getting ready to leave I almost cried in front of him when I asked him not to go, but obviously he has to.
I don't know why I feel this way and know I shouldn't after so long and have never tried to jeopardise his relationship but I love him wholeheartedly and when he's here I feel complete and safe.

Now he's gone and at home with her I'm laying on my bed sobbing feeling empty I don't want to be without our him and come home with our dcs on my own.
How do I push these feelings away and move on? I've never felt this way about anyone before and was always able to just carry but he's different.

OP posts:
crocodileshavenoears · 25/12/2016 22:14

No advice, but wanted to tell you you're not alone. I'm three years post-split too and felt the same sadness when ex left today. Am hoping it's just that Christmas makes everything that bit more emotional and things will feel brighter tomorrow.

Original poster
Mynameismummy37 · 25/12/2016 22:22

Thank you crocodile yes Christmas is particularly hard but I feel it all year.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 25/12/2016 22:27

Why did you split up in the first place?

Needchange · 25/12/2016 22:29

I don't think there's ever any advice that anyone can give you as we all deal with break ups so diferent, time does heal but having to see him over xmas and spend time with him stops that healing process. Can I ask, do you give these other guys you meet a good chance, or do you dismiss them to quick when you think they are not him. It takes a while for someone to grow on you and then after that, that's where you can realy start to see your self with that person. But I have every sympathy with you because I think we have all been there and it's awfull I know.

Original poster
Mynameismummy37 · 25/12/2016 22:33

It was a combination of things, constant arguments about the dcs him wanting to be out all the time, but despite all of that we were/are best friends.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 25/12/2016 22:37

You are not best friends though as you would still be together. It sounds like you need boundaries to protect yourself..... Does he know how you feel?

Original poster
Mynameismummy37 · 25/12/2016 22:38

Yes I have given other guys a chance and genuinely tried to move on as I know I need to, not only that I want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mynameismummy37 · 25/12/2016 22:41

Why would you say we're not friends?
Things happened in our relationship but that has never stopped either of us talking to each other, and yes I've just sent him a message basically saying how I feel.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 25/12/2016 22:44

Are you often low or are you mostly happy?
Just worth ruling put depression.

However if not you may need to put in place boundaries as spending time together whilst good for your children is stopping you from moving through the grief stages.You maybe stuck because each time you have a good time together it puts you back to the beginning so you are in this loop.

Sometimes you need cold turkey/NC to allow your emotions to detach.How often do you interact with him?

Also you probably need to acknowledge to yourself it is over, there is no going back, so the only way is forward.Make 2017 your year to recover.
The feelings you have will pass if you switch your focus, try YouTube for mindfulness and ways to focus on your future.

Make yourself focus on something else, a comedy, a good book, dancibg singing, anything that will distract you.You do control your thoughts.It feels strange at first but overtime you can improve the skill so it's more automatic.

I am 3 months post separation so trying to practice what I preach!

Needmorehours · 25/12/2016 22:44

Im in the same situation although we didnt spend Christmas together. A lot of terrible things happened with us however I still pine for him.

But something I have realised is you just have to get on with it. It isnt fair on your children to see you upset over their father 3 years on. If you dont feel you are in a place yet to date properly then dont. But when you feel yourself pining and thinking what if you have to make a conscious decision to put the thought to the back of your head and think about and do something else. That energy you are expending just makes it worse focus it on yourself and your children.

You may meet someone new you may not but make the life you have be the best you possibly can where a new partner or even your ex would be a bonus not the be all and end all.

Needmorehours · 25/12/2016 22:47

An analogy that has helped me but you might think stupid. I like to think of my life as my favourite ice cream something I really love. A partner or my ex would be the sauce on top. Yes it makes it makes it nicer but even without its pretty fabulous.

This might help you. It might not but find your own analogy to help you.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 25/12/2016 22:48

I'm saying that out of kindness that if you are thinking you are best friends it doesn't leave a vacancy for other people. However it does sound like you could possibly sort it out and I hope you can. This happened to my friend they split up. Something really horrible happened to her and her ex really supported her through it and showed his worth. They are married now and very happy. They were no other people involved though.

Needchange · 25/12/2016 22:48

Do you have some good friends that can get you threw this? Night times are sometimes the worst when it all goes quiet and it hits you. Can you try remembering all the bad, all the arguments, you won't get over him if you still like him and that you see your self as best friends, he must have done things that hurt you, pissed you off, made you think what an idiot. Coulnt you keep all that in mind and change the love to disliking him so you don't hunger after him. Can you do more to fill your time. hope it helps you to talk

Hermonie2016 · 25/12/2016 22:51

You were not good for each other if you argued slot and he wanted to have a single life, going out rather than commited to your relationship.

It must not have made you happy if you argued frequently.

Has he responded to your text? Have you told him before you want him back? I really believe it's not positive to ask him to come back when he's not showing signs of trying to reconcile.
It makes you appear needy which isn't attractive especially to a guy who likes his freedom.

You can cope, you have done so for 3 years.

Is there 1 thing you want to achieve next year? Put your energies into distractions as it's the only antidote.

NewNNfor2017 · 25/12/2016 22:57

OP if you continue to behave this way, then it is likely his relationship with your DCs will suffer. It is not reasonable to expect him to spend time with you if, after you see him, you send him messages to say that you love him and miss him. It is unwanted, and could be considered harassment.

He could, quite reasonably, choose not to spend time with you, and that will impact on his relationship with his DCs.

However you feel, you must deal with it yourself and not act on your feelings by sharing them with him.

Original poster
Mynameismummy37 · 25/12/2016 23:09

I know I just don't think I can take going into another year feeling like this, I've tried everything nc, trying only to remember the bad times, distractions everything then when I see him it all goes to pot.

hermoine I'm generally happy and almost all of the time get on with things I know I have to do because i know I can't sit around and mope, I don't think I fully grieved our relationship when we split as I had two small babies to deal with but as they're getting older I'm finding it harder to be without him.

He hasn't replied to my message, I know it makes me look desperate but what do I do?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/12/2016 23:21

I think you split up for valid reasons and him wanting to go out all the time, while you had little kids wasn't easy or fair for you.

You've put your feelings out there and you can't do any more for now. I'm guessing he doesn't quite know how to respond to you.

Has he ever in the last three years tried to get back with you or done anything to show he's interested? If not, then you really have to open your feelings and be genuinely receptive to other men. Of course they aren't him, but you might not have constant arguments with them either.

dinor · 25/12/2016 23:45

You've had some really good advice. This is such a hard situation to be in I can imagine exactly what your feeling I've been through it myself. Do you have much of a social life? Are you able to meet up with friends and occasionally go on a couple of nights out to just get your mind of him? Start a hobby, the gym or an online course. Just something. Or even decorate a room. I know the heart wants what it wants but you've put your feelings out there now and there's nothing more you can do, if he doesn't respond to that then leave it, don't come across as needy because if you want him back it will push him further away. Tbh I would actually spend less time with him if I were you, he probably knows you have feelings for him anyway and that you want him back already.

Try your best to move on, focus on something, your job, your kids, and just try and be happy it's attractive being sad and needy isn't, and he'll see that distance yourself from him. He's the father of your children and you don't know what the future will hold. Flowers

debbs77 · 26/12/2016 00:06

That's so hard!!! I'm 7 years post split, have been engaged since AND had two children with my fiance (now an ex too). Even now, it can all still really upset me. I miss him! I do! We were together 12 years, which was all my adult life when he left me! I miss being married. I miss being a unit. I hate it!

Isadora2007 · 26/12/2016 00:17

How old are your kids now?

The best thing is to stop having him as a friend and have him only as a parent of your children and let them have their life with him separate from your life. Do not have him in the house doing stuff with the kids. Presumably he has his own place? He should be collecting them and leaving. Tough but true. It's not even fair on the kids having him around when he isn't there and isn't going to be. And it only makes it harder for you to move on.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 26/12/2016 00:21

This is so hard. I'm in it myself. It's a habit, a way of thinking, thinking the same for so long, it's hard to stop it.
I agree with the no contact or as little as possible, I know harder to do with small children.

RedMapleLeaf · 26/12/2016 08:10

When he saw the children yesterday did he do so under your roof?

Mybeautifullife1 · 26/12/2016 08:15

I'm in the process of separating from my husband. I'm in the process of reading Getting Past Your Breakup. It is really very helpful.

Perhaps now might be the time to seek professional help?

mylifeisamystery · 26/12/2016 11:03

Same here nearly 2 years on, I saw him yesterday and met his gf it was very hard. He knows how I feel but just ignores me and that hurts too.
I have a partner but I find it hard to move on with him because I'm not over my ex. I don't know what to do

mylifeisamystery · 26/12/2016 11:05

I instigated the split too but he now seems like a whole new person with his gf and that hurts as I did everything for him.