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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband ruined Christmas. Again.

107 replies

sososofuckingfedup · 25/12/2016 18:16

He has form for going into a major sulk whenever he suspects I'm trying desperately to make the day go alright. emotionally abusive
Just had yet another year of him - not joining in, sulking, moaning, going into silent mode.
This was my Christmas day.
This year I AM going to leave him.

OP posts:
Popsicle434544 · 25/12/2016 22:16

This was me 6 years ago, I finally got the courage and Ltb, it was so hard but we made it through.
I'm now with a man that loves me unconditionally, makes me smile and belly laugh every day, is my best friend.
I now know what a decent relationship is.

2017 is the year you take life by both hands, realise u deserve so much better than this and Ltb.
X

mrsglowglow · 25/12/2016 22:18

My dad is in his 70's and still behaving like this. He treats my poor mum like crap and is emotionally a bully. His behaviour is worse than any toddler I've known. He's been sulking for the last two weeks about god knows what however acts perfectly fine and jolly in front of others. They were coming to ours today but poor mum arrived on her own saying he refused to come. My kids really dislike him because of his moods and we didn't let it ruin our day but I fucking hate him for how he treats my mum.

sandragreen · 25/12/2016 22:19

Life really is too short to put up with shit like this.

Make yourself a lovely exit plan for 2017 Flowers

mrsglowglow · 25/12/2016 22:22

Meant to add that you don't deserve to be treated like this and you have a lifetime ahead of you so go for it. If he's anything like my Dad he'll not change and the misery gets worse. Best of luck to you for 2017.

Wenker · 25/12/2016 22:53

Completely empathise. 'D'h has been sulking all afternoon and just called our Christmas a disaster and a waste of a day.

Strawberryjam34 · 25/12/2016 22:54

I split with my husband seven months ago and we will be officially divorced on January 11th (yes I am counting) I spent Xmas eve on my own after my DD went to bed last night. I can hand on heart say that it was much better than spending it with a moaning, lazy, ungrateful twat as I had for the previous 10 years. I did all the same work - as he did nothing - but did not have to listen to constant critique or complaints about it! There was no sulking or shouting. To be honest it was amazing and long may it continue. Christmas Day was just as good as well. On top of this I'm going out with my friends tomorrow - something I never would have done with him. Pleasing yourself is easy 😊😊😊

peaceloveandbiscuits · 25/12/2016 22:57

So much love to all of you having a hard time EnvyFlowers

peaceloveandbiscuits · 25/12/2016 22:58

I did not mean to add that green emoticon Angry

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/12/2016 23:11

Have you ever actually investigated what your financial position would be, properly with solicitor, etc?

Or have you just imagined the worst possible case based on no actual facts and buried your head in the sand because that's too scary?

Maybe don't focus on leaving if that's too scary. Maybe focus on finding out the most likely realities, from actual professionals based on your own personal circumstances, in January and February.

newbeginnings16 · 25/12/2016 23:27

I'be one the same but his like it all the time. Even doing something with the kids us a major chore for him. Can't remember the last time we had a nice Christmas

SandyY2K · 25/12/2016 23:33

Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour? I mean I'm sure he knows what he's doing, but have you told him how it makes you feel? And the effect on the kids?

Because like a pp said, whilst you're staying because of them, they could grow up resenting you for it.

Leaving a marriage isn't easy .... but you need to create the right mood for the conversation. If he's really okay other times of the year ... then have a non confrontational talk about the differences in how he behaves and see where it leads to.

He might say he never realised or he might deny it. In which case you give him specific examples from this and previous years. ....and tell him how that kind of behaviour is slowly or could slowly kill your feelings for him.

I'm for working on a marriage if possible, but if not then you have to see what you can do.

My own DH can be a bit funny when my family are around, but I tend to ignore him or point out his sillness there and then.

AliceC92 · 25/12/2016 23:34

I've had a shit Xmas too - partner been in a mood all day - fucking hate him - me and the kids deserve so much better than this - if only I had the balls to leave

Howlongtilldinner · 26/12/2016 00:08

I endured 18 Christmases with a nasty piece of work. I have been separated for 10 years now but I still hate Christmas, because it brings back horrible memories for me. Get rid of him asap, don't allow this behaviour to ruin such a precious time for you and your DC.

Men like this sicken me to my stomach..

AliceC92 · 26/12/2016 00:11

Still lying here while I cry my eyes out. Why have I put my boys through this - they're only 1 & 4 yet my 4 year old is starting to understand. Hate my life so so much I would rather be dead than feel this pain. Why does he make me feel like this why. I just wanted a Normal Christmas but just didn't happen.

Wenker · 26/12/2016 00:17

Same Alice. 💐💐💐

RandomMess · 26/12/2016 00:21

Far from ideal but can you just completely exclude him from stuff with your family?

tallwivglasses · 26/12/2016 00:39

This is heartbreaking to read! OP, and others in this thread, please - one way or the other- don't allow a repeat of this joy-sucking, soul-destroying shitfuckery in 2017 (or ever again) Flowers

orangeterry · 26/12/2016 01:18

My 'd'p has ruined Christmas aswell , we had a great day at my mums , gone to his sisters this evening and surprise surprise this dickhead has had far too much to drink and has took slmryhinh said in jest the wrong way and has declared he's moving out in the morning .
He's currently sleeping in DS toddler bed .
Right now ,I actually hate him .

lizzieoak · 26/12/2016 01:42

I put up w years of this. If it was my friends & family present he'd sulk and make little remarks and be horrid. Ruined every Mother's Day, Christmas, most of my birthdays, and the Notting Hill Carnival.

Get rid. It is such a big relief!!

InfoFreako · 26/12/2016 01:49

Yep, life's too short and all that.

Best not to get into these situations in the first place! Make better decisions!

Cheers.

Donatello68 · 26/12/2016 02:37

My DD's and I have had our first Christmas post divorcing emotionally abusive EXH. It was so relaxed and fun. My DD's said that it was their best Christmas ever.

It took me many years to get out. I know exactly what the OP is going through but, By God - you can do it!! There is plenty of help and support out there. You will be fine.

ItsThisOneThing · 26/12/2016 03:32

Sorry if I've missed this already, but have you had it out with him? Told him how he behaved today and how it made you and the kids feel? Just curious as to whether he's aware of it or oblivious. I can't shed any light on why he's like that but I agree it's no way to live for you and the kids. If he can't give you an explanation and any assurance that he'll try to change then you need to think if you can handle another family event feeling like this.

I totally get the financial considerations but equally your kids are seeing this and it's normalising the behaviour. Don't forget how you feel when you posted as it's easy to get caught up in the day to day again, forget today and before you know he'll be ruining another Christmas for you. Hope Boxing Day is better for you

addstudentdinners2 · 26/12/2016 03:33

if he's great the rest of the time, then don't leave him over this

It's actually pretty typical of abusive men to be very lovely for a lot of the time, it's partly how they get you to stay.

And lettuce no, people are telling her to because the op said she wanted to Hmm

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 26/12/2016 04:04

When it's not Christmas and he's 'good' is he kind to you and your children? Does he put the children first? Value your opinions? Invested in improving family life and your marriage?

I'm struggling to imagine somebody who is great all year and a selfish shit at Christmas.

If it literally is just Christmas and family events with your relatives then I'd talk to him about the effects his behavior has on the kids and try to reach a solution together.

Hellooooitsme · 26/12/2016 07:29

I spent years with a lazy selfish moody man at Christmas. It seems to bring out the worst in them as Christmas is not all about them.
There is pressure on them to help out, socialise and put others first and for these kinds of men, that is too hard hence the sulks, strops and moods.

Reading this thread has brought it all back.

I feel for you op but must say are you sure he is fine the rest of the year? That sounds impossible. But you plan to leave him and it sounds as if that's the right thing to do.

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