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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm sinking and sinking, and DH just doesn't give a shit

30 replies

CockOhDial · 22/12/2016 16:08

He just does nothing in the house, or with the DCs. Even the few small jobs that are 'his' to do such as emptying the kitchen bin he hardly ever does. I'm just fucking sinking.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the past year. When I'm 'up' I'm ok and I manage to keep my head above water even though I have to do everything. When I'm 'down', such as right now, I feel like taking the kids and just driving off somewhere and leaving him.

I work practically full time. I run a business from home too, which DH would be mightily pissed off if I stopped doing but it takes up a lot of my time. DH made the decision over the past few years to get 3 dogs, which I have to walk, clean up after etc. I have to do all the thinking, all the organising, everything.

If I am in a down slump, as I am at the moment, then he does absolutely nothing. I have had to drag myself food shopping today as we had no food in the house and he wouldn't even do an online shop. He's gone to the pub.

He's barely acknowledged my bipolar diagnosis. I have been misdiagnosed with depression for years and he's barely acknowledged that too. He just gets pissed off if I don't do the things I usually do.

So anyway, today I feel like I'm fucking sinking. I had to take my disabled mum shopping earlier and cart the kids along with me as he wouldn't even look after them for 2 hours.

I've had enough.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 22/12/2016 16:11

What does he bring to the relationship that would make you want to keep it going?

If you do everything now then surely it would be better to do without the resentment of him being around you?

TheSnowFairy · 22/12/2016 16:12

for you.

Can you get a cleaner to help you?

Not looking after his own kids is outrageous, I would be mightily pissed off at that.

sarahnova69 · 22/12/2016 16:12

What stops you taking the kids, leaving the dogs, and just going?

TitaniasCloset · 22/12/2016 16:15

I really feel for you, I have a similar diagnosis and its so hard at times doing the basics. This is far too much pressure for you. I can't imagine taking care of an overgrown man child on top of everything else. Big hugs darling. He is being spectacularly selfish.

BiddyPop · 22/12/2016 16:15

Can you draw back and look after yourself and the DCs and not worry about DH or others?

The dogs are his, so he walks them and looks after them or they must go.

Can you DM get online shopping delivered?

Ignore DH in terms of laundry etc if he is not listening to you.

And give up the extra work if that is too much for you - you need to get yourself back on a more even keel first to be able to look after yourself and the family, and then the extras may be possible to add back in.

When do you get the chance to "go to the pub" - aka get time for yourself to do something that is beneficial or enjoyable just for you?!

Fairenuff · 22/12/2016 16:23

I've had enough.

So what are you going to do to change this situation that you have allowed to happen and are continuing to allow?

Sounds harsh, OP but you have to help yourself. If you don't do it, no-one else will do it for you.

TheNaze73 · 22/12/2016 17:24

You need to bite rather than bark.

You're in control of your own destiny

mamakena · 23/12/2016 03:34

People like your DP magically manage to keep house and be better parents when they split up.

This is nothing to do with your depression, since you do everything and he is basically a useless twat.

You need a solicitor and a divorce. Make sure he gets weekends with the kids and pays the full maintenance due.

venusinscorpio · 23/12/2016 03:46

I imagine his behaviour probably exacerbates your depression. As pp said, tell him he has to look after the dogs himself or put them in doggy daycare or they have to go. It doesn't sound like you wanted them, so you certainly shouldn't have them dumped on you. And I think you should consider whether you really have a future with this man.

endofthelinefinally · 23/12/2016 03:53

I think your mental health and your whole life will improve if you start planning your divorce.

Do you have any other support such as family/friends?

Thattimeofyearagain · 23/12/2016 06:22

Tell him to get the fuck out. Men like him are leeches.

HandyWoman · 23/12/2016 07:34

Oh I was married to a leech like this. It is awful. I ended up on antidepressants. He never lifted a finger and didn't care.

I still have the dog he insisted on getting and promised to walk but when he left my life became immeasurably better and I stopped the meds.

I learned how important it is for my children's wellbeing to be happy and OK. On my marriage I was very far from happy and OK.

Do yourself and your dc a massive favour and start detaching and planning to leave.

Conserve your energy and stop doing chores for him. Forget about doing his laundry or walking his dogs and resolve to see a solicitor ASAP.

To you.

HandyWoman · 23/12/2016 07:35

I kicked the idiot out, btw...

You can too. The quickest route is to see a solicitor.

Kazplus2 · 23/12/2016 08:23

Stop walking the dogs and tell him he has to do it or they have to go (and mean it). Practically, could you get a cleaner to help? Why would he be pissed off if you didn't do your working from home? Does he work and contribute to household income?

Inadays · 23/12/2016 08:33

So sorry for you. Do you have any close family or friends nearby who could take your kids off your hands for a few hours so that you sit your 'D' H down and give him a good talking-to/ ultimatum? It's clear that you can't carry on like this . I wish you luck.

RideLikeTheWindBullseye · 23/12/2016 08:42

It is clear he has no respect for you.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

This man is completely indifferent to you and your children. It is time to start planning your/his exit strategy as trust me, it does not get better.

ScarletForYa · 23/12/2016 08:44

Throw him out and he can take the dogs with him.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/12/2016 08:51

Yeah I had one of these - I was suffering with mental health problems too. They never listen, only thing to do is end the relationship.

If you were on your own with the kids and no hubby or dogs, life would be a lot easier. Plus you'd get a break when your dh has the kids.

stumblymonkey · 23/12/2016 09:04

He's being an utter twat.

Just for the sake of comparison...I also have bipolar disorder. When I'm down DP brings me breakfast/lunch/whatever in bed, does everything around the house and basically takes care of me like I'm ill....because I AM ill.

TBH I wouldn't want to stay with someone who didn't pull their weight when I was well, let alone the disregard for your illness.

I've never said LTB before but here's my first one...LTB.

It's not like it will have a negative impact since you do everything anyway. You can leave his dogs with him and just take care of you and the DCs.

He also sounds controlling....HE decided to get three dogs (not a joint decision?), HE would be annoyed if you gave up the business, etc.

TillyLilly9 · 23/12/2016 09:13

He does nothing to make your life easier. It seems without him your life would be easier... You should leave him with his dogs and take your children.

KittyWindbag · 23/12/2016 09:34

I never say ltb but... ltb. I'm sorry for him, sounds like he has his own issues. But your life sounds grueling, lonely and sad. Get out and start having the life you deserve.

DonaldStott · 23/12/2016 09:53

Oh my god. Leave the twat. He is lazy and selfish and you would be much better off without him. Leave him with HIS dogs and get out of there. Is there any family you and the kids can stay with?

JennyOnAPlate · 23/12/2016 10:14

You would be so much happier without him

Original poster

CockOhDial · 23/12/2016 20:51

Thank you everyone.

Things are shit at the moment and I know they have to change; I am just at a very low point with my BP at the moment and haven't got the mental or physical strength to change anything.

It would be so lovely at the moment to know that the laundry is getting done, and there's food in the cupboards and basic meals are getting cooked. I don't expect him to do a huge spring clean or anything massive, just a few basics would help make my down periods so much more bearable. I guess he is showing how little respect he has for me and how little he cares about me, only about himself. Instead of doing these things we are all running out of clean clothes, and I am struggling to do even the most basic household tasks.

OP posts:

Original poster

CockOhDial · 23/12/2016 20:54

Oh and he's at the pub again tonight and has announced he's going tomorrow, despite the fact that the house needs cleaning, xmas food shopping needs doing and I've done no wrapping yet :(

OP posts:

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