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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH saying I am a neurotic control freak but I feel I'm the only one who is taking care of everything

65 replies

TheSlumpingbauble · 22/12/2016 08:39

We are abroad in DH's home country and DD (3yo) has terrible cystitis. She is suffering, feverish, not sleeping and refusing to drink and in pain. DH doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge how much she is suffering and just thinks she is playing up when she cries. I dosed DD up on nurofen last night and made it clear we needed to get to a doctor / pharmacist today.

I woke up this morning to find DH gone. I got the DC up, I had promised poor crying DD I would do something to resolve her pain today, but his leaving without telling me means I am stuck in the rental with the DC til he comes back. I also cannot speak the local language so would find it hard to get the right help for DD. I am also exhausted from lack of sleep comforting DD all night.

DH comes back after two hours. He has been to a pharmacy to get some throat sweets for himself because he has a sore throat, he then went for breakfast by himself.

I go ballistic. DH accuses me of being a control freak nazi and ordering him around. Saying why am I always getting at him? Why don't I give him a break for once? We'll go to the pharmacy later for DD.

This is just one of many daily instances like this where he completely forgets mine and the DC's needs in situations, then when I bring him up on it he accuses me of being a neurotic control freak.

What is this? And how can I communicate to him what's happening? He doesn't seem to understand. Or am I being a neurotic control freak?

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 22/12/2016 12:48

Cystitis can quickly turn into a kidney infection and those can be very dangerous.
Given she is not drinking I would consider the situation severe.

Please get medical help for her, by whatever means necessary. That is the only priority now. Fuck your husband, you can deal with him later.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/12/2016 12:50

Bloody hell. As someone with fairly ruined kidneys from kidney infections; please find a way to get her help, even if it's writing down basic English and somehow using Google translate.

This was a dick-swinging "I am man" exercise from him; to show that he's worthy of a pharmacist for a sore throat and a private breakfast for peace, but you and your daughter are not until he says so. But you can deal with that when she's not in such pain.

SolomanDaisy · 22/12/2016 12:51

Normal people don't need someone to make a special effort to communicate that their ill child needs a Dr.

Arfarfanarf · 22/12/2016 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keeptrudging · 22/12/2016 12:54

Yes, agree with PP. You can't leave this until he deigns to help. Your DD needs dr now, so get a bus/taxi to dr or hospital and they'll help you regardless of language barrier. Internet translation if necessary, it's not undoable.

Nellyphants · 22/12/2016 13:01

Horrible man to leave his own little daughter distressed crying & in pain & his wife worried & upset. There are reasons that this is ok.

I'd take your little girl to the dr & google translate the word for cystitis.

jeaux90 · 22/12/2016 13:02

Form for an abuser is to call you neurotic, mental, a control freak. When in fact he clearly is the one with the mental health issue. It's madness for him to take himself off, get throats sweets and a breakfast without putting his dd first.

It's sociopathic of him to not expect any fallout.

You need to take control now, I really hope you get the medical attention asap. Then I would probably get a plane home after she has the antibiotics and the fever is down.

Good luck xxx

RandomMess · 22/12/2016 13:02

AngryAngryAngry

What an awful thing to do to his CHILD

sleepachu · 22/12/2016 13:05

It's not even like she's poorly with a cold or something- cystitis is not only dangerous but also so, so painful and uncomfortable. Poor little thing. I hate your husband for that. LTB.

lougle · 22/12/2016 13:06

I think you need to forget about your DH for now and concentrate on getting your DD some help. What's the setup where you are? Is there an urgent care facility, or a GP service you can use?

HerodZackHunt · 22/12/2016 13:13

If you use medical words like urethra and bacteria then any medical person would understand surely.
He's a miserable excuse for a parent.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/12/2016 13:53

you can communicate in pictures.

drawing a bladder and wee and fire should get the point across...

this is definitely a ltb when you get home situation. he is neglecting the needs of your child. accusing her of faking pain. leaving her to suffer longer than necessary. especially pointed/cruel/vindictive that he has been to the pharmacy himself.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/12/2016 13:57

That's one of the vilest things I've ever heard a parent do.

Try to find an English speaking physician. Do you have travel insurance? They might be able to help

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/12/2016 13:58

Like a PP said, it's also neglect and abuse. Fuck is wrong with him?

Hissy · 22/12/2016 14:01

Leave this prick today and come home to somewhere people love you and give a shit about you and your children

That's not the prick you're married to.

celeryisnotasuperfood · 22/12/2016 14:01

What country/language? There are bound to be mumsnet terms that can give you some useful phrases.
Get immediate help for her and then sort yourself out some flights back home.

minmooch · 22/12/2016 14:06

Please get your dd seen to. I have had many attack of cystitis. Not caught early enough it can cause a horrible kidney infection/damage. I am having investigations for this.

A fever is a sign of infection - please get her looked at. You have to act as her advocate even if your husband refuses to acknowledge her pain.

And if it needs saying from yet somebody else your husband is a lowlife for ignoring or minimising his own daughter's illness. I could not stay with someone like this.

JustGettingStarted · 22/12/2016 14:11

When I read your post and got to the line about throat lozenges and breakfast, I said out loud "what a fucking cunt."

I agree that you should be able to communicate the basics to medical personnel. Most highly educated people speak some English, most medical terms cross borders, and they'll know what to do.

Infection, pain, fever and urine should be understood or easily translated by Google.

sarahnova69 · 22/12/2016 14:19

First step: Get your child to a doctor NOW. That is urgent. If you are in a hotel go to reception and ask them to arrange it; if you're in residential accommodation do whatever you need to to call a taxi and Google the word for "hospital". Someone at the hospital is very likely to speak English as PPs say.

Second step: Feel free to accept that you are very, very much not a neurotic control freak. I am not a neurotic control freak, and I would have been furious at my husband for simply disappearing while I was asleep without telling me, even without the context of HIS FUCKING CHILD BEING MISERABLE AND ILL.

Third step: Get home and start making plans to leave him. He doesn't give a shit about either of you, and that's the God's honest truth. Any man who would go to a pharmacy to get himself throat sweets and then fuck off to breakfast by himself in these circumstances, then call you "neurotic" for objecting doesn't care about your feelings or his child's welfare. Any dad worth anything would have got treatment for his child ten times over before he worried about his own sore throat.

girlelephant · 22/12/2016 14:23

OP I agree with Sarah above re 3 point plan. This sounds very serious and I hope you are now at a hospital getting her the attention she needs.

It is absolutely unacceptable that a parent would act so selfishly, especially when a child is in pain and potentially danger. I would not trust this man ever again to look after you or his children

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 14:42

The trouble is if you leave a bsdtard like this they get un supervised access to your DC ... I stayed until mine could at least articulate loudly enough what was wrong to help them help themselves when alone with the prick

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2016 14:46

I'm sorry but that's awful, I can't believe anyone would leave a child in pain, go to the pharmacy for himself and not get anything for the child. That's totally and utterly unforgivable and is bordering on child cruelty in my view.

ohfourfoxache · 22/12/2016 14:51

Please please follow Sarah's really succinct plan - this is extremely urgent and she needs medical attention and treatment NOW

Original poster
TheSlumpingbauble · 22/12/2016 15:37

I'm not deluded about the urgency of getting treatment for my DD. I just have other DC here too so was highlighting how it was made more difficult to do it by DH.

What I was asking specifically was whether I am going mad and being control freaky by going ballistic at him when he is acting like it's some kind of misunderstanding.

After me going ballistic we got DD to the doctor and she's on ABs, but DH continues to tell me I am a neurotic control freak.

Thank you very much for all your responses I feel very vindicated in my reaction.

OP posts:
sarahnova69 · 22/12/2016 15:39

I suggest you go home, honestly. I 100% would not want to be at this man's mercy, in a foreign country facing a language barrier, with a sick child, a second longer. Pack your stuff and call another taxi to the airport.