For Sobernow

[essbee]

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Oh, sobernow, this sounds awful , you must be feeling very confused. Glad you spoke to his mother. Hope you're ok x

I'm so sorry to hear your news Sobernow, really. You cared for him v deeply by the sounds of it, so it will hurt when this sort of thing happens, no matter how long ago it was. I am sure your friends are well meaning by telling you it isn't your fault, however it is only serving to make you feel worse ,but you really can't be responsible for the life of another grown adult in that way. I am sure he would have known that too.

I hope you take time to grieve this man in the way you need to, but also don't judge yourself and burden yourself with guilt.

Sorry once again

Because you feel guilty, and because you are seeing him as the vibrant man you knew, then hearing about how he went downhill after you left. You can't blame yourself. It doesn't matter how long ago you last saw him, you had feelings for him, and you are remembering those emotions.

I haven't seen my father since I was 8 or 9 years old (am 37 now) but I know if I heard he had died I would still feel something. It takes you back to the last memories you had, grief. It's cathartic, although I know it doesn't feel that way now. It takes you on a rollercoaster but ultimately lets you say goodbye.

You have only just found out, I bet you will feel a whole range of emotions over the next few months. But what you shouldn't feel is that anythign was your fault. He had the power to do with his life what he wanted .

Oh thanks for asking sobernow, especially with all this on your plate. Have been up and down this week - down today.

I suppose all your confusion is all that loss of hope and what might have been and, oh, you know what I mean. Are you going to the funeral?

Tinker, I am sorry I did mean to acknowledge what you are going through too.

Hey, thanks lou. But it's not my thread. But thanks.

I know, but I didn't want you to think I was being uncaring and heartless iyswim.

Death can throw up some surprising things. Maybe he did get over you, but wanted to use you as an excuse for his lifestyle. Maybe he was just making a throwaway comment about making a choice. The thing is when someone dies, we replay things over and over again in our heads about conversations past, analysing htem, wondering if you understood what was really being said etc, wishing things had been done differently. It doesn't make any difference to anyone apart from yourself, and all it is doing to you is making you feel terrible.

I know it's hard to do atm, but if you look back and are honest with yourself, do you think if you stayed with him for his sake he would have been any happier when he realised? What would it have done to you, to continue a relationship with a man you knew was not the one. You were so young when you were together it isn't surprising you wanted to discover more .

Sorry to read this. I think you are feeling bad because anyone dying so young is very sad and you feel/was told he was never fulfilled post-you. Had he been happily married with a family, I think you would still be upset but you would be feeling bad for his widow and children.
It's a terrible shock to think that he turned alcoholic as it was his decision/weakness to become like that as opposed to a terminal illness which we have no control over. Really anyone who bases their life long happiness on one person is setting themself up for trouble as the only person you can rely on is yourself. Why did he do this? What was it about his upbringing that influenced him? And why didn't his friends and family rally round him and support him to help him move on from you? You know, even if you had married him, he may have still become an alcoholic for other reasons. You know even happily married people become alcoholics.
You are probably wondering and trying to understand how somebody who you thought was gorgeous/eligible could be so self-destructive...
You mustn't blame yourself as you are not to blame. When did you last see him?

Sobernow, my heart goes out to you.
I sometimes wish that I could turn back the clock 20 years and marry the man I dumped 6 weeks before we were supposed to be married. I wonder what my life would be like now, how different my experiences would be, if I would have children, what my circle of friends would be. I will never know if I did the right thing, and wish I could stop the feelings of regret. In my heart I know I had to move on, but part of me will always love him, and he will always be the person I knew 20 years ago. He lives in USA now, and I will probably never see him again. How is it possible to have good memories without regrets?

I have to go to bed now, but please try and get some sleep yourself, and don't be so judgemental of your relationship with him. You made the right decision then, and you still think it now. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Just grieve him instead. XX

Think lou's advice is very wise there sobernow. Going to have to switch off as well soon, you'll be ok.

please, please, please don't feel guilty, sobernow. It is not your fault. Look at all the people in their twenties who end relationships - waht person hasn't got a story of heartbreak behind them? yet they go on to build another life. My very best and oldest friend - literally the boy down the road, the first boy I fancied, the boy I went to school with, the nearest thing I have to a brother died an alcoholic when he was 46 last year. A similar story to yours, though I never actually went out with him. He always phoned me, wanted me in his life. We were linked and people saw the link. But he was so mixed up, very paranoid, in and out of mental hospitals, on lots of medication for nearly 30 years. All that was nothing to do with any one person. He never really blamed me but at the back of my mind I kept thinking, could I have saved him? Then I imagined what my life would be like if I had lived with him. I know I couldn't have stopped him. Think of all the people who do live with alcoholics - it takes more than their love and devotion to sort out their problems. It has to come from them.

I am really sorry people have said to you 'he never got over you deserting him' That is so cruel and unthinking. Your boyfriend may well have had a problem at the time with rejection - any rejection - but no one saw it until it happened. My friend blamed the start of his problems on the death of his grandmother - a death that was bound to happen one day. If it hadn't been that I think it would have been something similar. The crisis was waiting to happen. It just took an event to set it in motion.

Please be kind to yourself.
hugsXX

Dear sobernow please don't feel anything other than grief at your friends death.It is a sad story from the point of view that no-one - not mutual friends, his family or your friend himself have been able to accept his decisions (not to move on/alcohol dependancy etc) in life and seem to feel justified in putting all the blame on you. You left then because you felt smothered and it seems to me that this smothering is still carrying on even now. Lou33 is so right - if you had stayed what would your life have been like? If the relationship felt wrong then it wouldn't magically have got better. Very best wishes and hugs.

sobernow - Really really sorry to hear this. You must be feeling awful. It goes without saying that you shouldn't feel guilty. His sister is obviously hurting a lot otherwise she wouldn't have said such an awful thing to you. You didn't 'desert' him - you broke up a relationship you didn't want to be in. There' s no shame in that - how many people stay in a relationship with someone they met at 18? Not many, these days. I know what you mean about understanding that intellectually though but other emotions taking over.

Anyway I really feeld for you - I think I'd feel the same way if I heard the same news about my boyfriend of that time. ( Have been half expeting it for years actually as there are distinct similarities.He's not really had a proper girlfriend since me and has been on the path to self destruct for a long time - drugs, not alcohol in his case) But however sad you feel try not to blame yourself. We both know how destructive alcoholism can be)

How are you today Sobernow?

I bet you couldn't find anyone who was the same 20 odd years ago. You did the best that you could at the age you were, with the experience you had at the time.

I'm glad you feel a bit better today. Take care of yourself, and don't forget to keep posting if you need us

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