DH has MH condition and it's driving us apart

[Cryingandmorecrying]

After several horribly traumatic years including a suicide in the family and his own near death experience my DH has been diagnosed with PTSD. He is currently awaiting treatment but sadly I'm not sure we'll get to that stage together. I'm heartbroken, after years of battling through so much together I feel this is so unfair. His behavior is out of control ATM and he can't even make me assurances about being together for the children over Christmas. My youngest will be beside herself if this is the case. He hates me tonight, feels that I push him and that maybe I'm causing all his problems. But nine months ago we were ok. He has threatened to leave me four times this year and I've managed to talk him round each time. 'Normally' he is lovely and kind and horrified he's putting me through this. Please don't tell me to LTB I really just want a hand hold as I feel I'm exhausting my RL options right now.

Justabitfurther

I could have written that post. I am in a similar situation and I feel exactly the same. My husband moved out three weeks ago after months of emotional abuse. I admit I don't miss him. I am just relieved to live in peace! Still that sounds unfair as although the last year has been horrible the previous 14 were good.
He is really ill so I should be caring for him. Yet I can't face my heart being broken again.
His family have ignored me since he moved out. This had been really hard for me as I had been close with them. I can't believe they would not want to be amicable with me even if for my children/their grandchildrens sake.
Don't feel lonely. You seem to be going through the same as me. I know the feeling that no one else understands but there are some of us that do.

Bluesky I'm so sorry to hear that as I know you were hoping things would be ok

I'm trying to decide what to do next, he is not living at home at the moment and to be honest things are much calmer and the atmosphere has definitely been happier. But when I think about the long term I feel very sad about the thought of not being with him. He wants to come home, but I feel as though the pattern will just repeat. Ideally i would like it if he could stay somewhere until he has had some more treatment and he is ready to try and work things through with me. But I can't see how this is possible and so I'm feeling very anxious about what to do next.

I think your instincts are spot on. He really needs to get treatment and work on himself. He also needs to be able to acknowledge the hurt and pain he has caused. My H apologised for any hurt he may have caused me but I think he has little insight into just how devastating his actions were (he held down his work but developed "illogical thoughts" regarding me that led to emotional and financial abuse). I really think it fundamentally broke and changed something in me, I felt my soul had been trampled on and I don't think anyone but me really understands that and its consequences.

I think I needed a bit of wooing and romance - some "hearts and flowers" but H just wanted things to be totally "normal" and flat as if nothing had occurred and a few years on that just hasn't worked for me. I wanted to do what would make him better but all along it's always about him and his needs,it has taken a monumental amount of my energy and headspace and seems to be never about me or what I might need. I think I handled it wrongly. It's so hard - I think you are right to move slowly. My H never left (he moved room at his own instigation) he panicked that he would end up like a tramp if he lived alone. But I really think time apart and a gradual reintroduction to family life would of helped.

Thanks for your reply loinnir, I think you are right I want him to realise how much he has hurt me and try to win me back a bit. I do realise I'm not perfect, but in an email recently he said he owed it to me and our DC to try again. To me that sounds like he thinks he is doing me a favour! I feel like there might end up being a lot of resentment from me if not.
A trial separation would probably be best for us right now, but affording it is going to be really tricky and could also push us over the edge

Can he stay with a relative for a while to cut costs? I understand about the "doing me a favour" feeling. I think in their mental state they really can't summon up any passion or fight or reconnect with their feelings. When I try to talk to my H - I get a lacklustre "I want everything to work out with the children and you" - gee, thanks! He does not seem to realise it won't happen unless he tries and follows some of the plans we agreed to (small things like a touch on the arm or hand everyday, small kindnesses etc.) even though I stress this. I am a few years down the line from you and things did improve initially but are slipping badly again - so I am less positive than I would have been a year ago.

Has your H actually got any treatment yet? Could he come home part time and sleep at his parents a few nights a week? Would he be strong enough to discuss how things need to change and what he needs to do to try to fix things?