DH has MH condition and it's driving us apart

[Cryingandmorecrying]

After several horribly traumatic years including a suicide in the family and his own near death experience my DH has been diagnosed with PTSD. He is currently awaiting treatment but sadly I'm not sure we'll get to that stage together. I'm heartbroken, after years of battling through so much together I feel this is so unfair. His behavior is out of control ATM and he can't even make me assurances about being together for the children over Christmas. My youngest will be beside herself if this is the case. He hates me tonight, feels that I push him and that maybe I'm causing all his problems. But nine months ago we were ok. He has threatened to leave me four times this year and I've managed to talk him round each time. 'Normally' he is lovely and kind and horrified he's putting me through this. Please don't tell me to LTB I really just want a hand hold as I feel I'm exhausting my RL options right now.

Blueskyday I can really relate to that. At times I know I am probably not helping but god it is so hard not to take things to heart. Booked an appointment for tomorrow. and much sympathy to you too.

He's here now and saying he is going to stay with his DB and asking what we should tell the children. I don't want to tell them anything because I still think he'll change his mind in a couple of days. I feel so unbelieveably sad but I'm trying not to show any emotion as I don't want to make it worse. I won't to ask him not to go but I know it's not the right thing to do. Why does it have to be Christmas next week...

Sorry to hear that Crying the timing isn't great but hopefully he will concentrate on getting help to get better. I truly hope that this is just a blip in your relationship whilst he's ill and that you manage to rekindle your marriage in the future

So sorry to hear that Crying, if you were anywhere near me you'd be getting a big unmumsnetty hug right now. It's hard to have car me out of the other side to read what I'd done to my DH.

TBH it could be what you both need right now. Kids can be told daddy is stopping with uncle x, but not that it's permanent. As you said, things may well change soon. As much as you're worried it may be balanced by relief from not treading on eggshells all the time. He can take stock and realise that what he thinks he's running from a s still a part of him.

I did a runner too. I drove and didn't stop until I got to Scotland. I stayed away for 4 nights before coming back. Poor DH when I eventually called had me telling him I couldn't run away from my hurt and it wasn't helping. He was so worried. I wish I could wipe away the pain I caused him.

I really hope your DH can find some peace soon so you can get your peace. You can't rescue him, you could support him but please don't do that to the extent that you are compromising on yours and kids wellbeing. You would not be a bad personal if you find you reach your line in the sand and need to step away emotionally for any length of time

Just got into bed again on my own, I feel so desperately sad. Had to cancel a party tonight that was happening in a few weeks as it's too much pressure for me. All my friends can't understand why he is doing this to me. I feel like I spend so much time convincing everyone he is unwell. I want to cry but I'm worried it will (or actually won't) make him feel bad. Just so sad.

Crying, didn't want to read this and run but I am commuting on a train right now. Will post properly when I am out of my next meeting. The key for you both is to understand what you're up against. Understand the effect PTSD has on him physically... ( fight or flight ). Adrenalin levels in his body will be through the roof and that affects everything else. Will explain better as soon as I can, but get reading ( both of you ).

Right, back again with a little more time.

First of, the anger isn't necessarily directed at you. My personal experience was that I would sleep badly every night due to nightmares, intrusive thoughts etc... This affected my ability to cope with things throughout the day.

PTSD sufferers are constantly in a state of hyper-arousal. That just means that there is an excess of adrenaline in the body and that because of the way the trauma is processed in the brain the brain prepares the body to relive the original trauma(s).

As the day progresses, little things would gradually add to the level of stress / adrenaline / fight reaction and I would spend all day holding it in. Then suddenly when I got home to a safe place I would often find myself pushed over the edge by the slightest thing. Sometimes the kids would come running to me loudly, sometimes the fanfare at the start of the news would be enough but the result would be the same. I would be unable to hold back and explode. I did untold damage to my relationship with my ex-wife ( note ex ), and I fervently hope that I didn't do anything lasting to my kids...

My PTSD was diagnosed almost 15 years after the event. I just thought I was an "angry" person... So did all my family and friends.

I tried EFT... Found it calming but not a cure. Tried prescription drugs... Fluoxetine sort of helped, as did some sleeping tablets, but none of them cured it. What finally did help me was that my shrink referred me a consultant psychologist who used EMDR. I had ab out 8 sessions with him and walked out cured. I really was that miraculous for me. Sadly, about 15 years too late to stop me screwing up things with my marriage, but even after we split, the best thing my wife ever told me was that the kids had said "we like seeing daddy. He's not angry any more".

I've since spent time talking to my eldest now she's old enough to understand. Mainly to make her aware that having mental health problems isn't weakness. Everyone has limits. Everyone has experiences. Sometimes those experiences leave us very scarred and no one should be ashamed to ask for help.

Strangely, the behaviours that I now realise were very wrong, actually made me very popular with my managers at work. I was constantly hyper, "hard charging" able to juggle lots of activity... Only later did I realise that the level I was operating at was not normal.

Most importantly, I would say that you should be very mindful of your personal safety and that of any children involved. Joysmum said that she adopted "flight"... I was more "fight" though never violent to my ex or the kids, but I was very shouty and angry. He will probably not be able to predict or control his outburst... His anger might be at the cause of the trauma but projected onto others. It's a very complicated situation and needs proper professional help. If there is any chance of affording the care privately, then do not wait for the NHS...

You can all get though this, but trying to do it without help will be REALLY tough. I wish you all the very best of luck. PM me if you think I might be able to answer any questions you have...

RLD

Have you been to see anyone? Gp perhaps? This is clearly affecting you as well. I must say I do disagree with Lottie. My dm left my DF due to his MH issues and that alone. It was absolutely the right thing for her and myself and sister so to just say it's not right isn't really true. We were children and didn't deserve to grow up with a parent acting as he did or be in that environment.I understand he couldnt control it but i am extremely thankful to her.

Great advice from Rockinluv,

How was your dh diagnosed and by whom? Did they follow up with a proposed plan of treatment?

Rockluvindad did you find that you still got angry even after your marriage ended. DH is feeling that it's a marriage problem rather than the PTSD.

I have been to my GP but they weren't helpful unfortunately

Annoyingly i got the emdr and sorted it before we split up. I had done the damage before then though... I did feel terribly claustrophobic in the family home though and we did agree to temporary break of a few weeks. I ended up going back after about three weeks because I missed them so much ( weird paradox... )

The feeling it's a marriage problem is maybe a symptom of his condition rather than a rational thought on his part. I always thought that if I could just eliminate every bit of stress ( family included ) from my life I would be able to control it better. It's not true and leads to people becoming more and more reclusive and cut off ( I didn't like seeing anyone outside of work because I wanted to be alone. Not really very compatible with a family life, hence much of the conflict ).

It touches every aspect of your life... Sometimes it is hard to work out how it is doing that though. GP's are sadly underequipped to deal with it other than by handing out anti-depressants. I believe that EMDR is a NICE certified treatment so that is what he should be pushing for.

To him though, running away from everything will seem like the easiest thing to do. Intact most of the treatments are really quite hard, so it isn't that irrational a thought process...I had to hit rock bottom before I found the willpower to climb out. The quicker after the event that someone receives treatment the more successful treatment is. Mine was so long that I forgot who I was before the events happened so I didn't know what to aim for. For example, what is a "normal" level of anger ? I had only "not angry" or "volcanic". You cannot force him to seek treatment, he has to realise that for himself and to want to get better. What you can do though is make sure he is aware that he risks his marriage... But pick your moment !

Do make sure you look after yourself though. It is easy to neglect yourself when you're dealing with someone else who has MH issues.

Sorry if this is rambling. Back on the train on my phone. If I missed anything I'll add to it later.

I should also point out that people who didn't know me then but know me now think that I am one of the calmest people they know and are surprised when I tell them how I was... I genuinely rarely get that mad about things, so the treatment really can and does work...

PTSD from suicide and such in his family, ok, believe that. Don't believe he has PTSD over your PND, though. To me, this sounds like an abusive man using excuses to make you into a legitimate target of his anger.

I can't believe how many people here think you should simply accept a man who has infantile communication skills and enters a "fight or flight" reaction to any emotion from you, all because of some diagnosis letters. This seems like women allowing abuse to become medicalized and endorsed.

I'm not making excuses for him, just as I am not making excuses for my behaviour when I was suffering with PND and was extremely, extremely difficult to live with.
I am not for one second suggesting my PND was the cause of his PTSD but we had several extremely traumatic years (that I cannot explain as it would definitely out me) PND was part of that and unfortunately because I am stressed my behaviour is similar to that time. It is not at all straightforward.

Thanks for the responses, I am finding them all extremely helpful.

We managed to resolve things and have a fairly happy Christmas, but every time I try to explain how I'm feeling he says this is triggering for him and then won't talk to me which only makes me feel worse.

I am feeling so confused that he can say he wants to end our marriage and then change his mind and just expect me to be ok and not want to talk about it or be upset. I understand he is not well, but it doesn't feel like our marriage is important to him. When we are having a nice time again, I become extremely anxious that he is going to end it again and that I'm going to have to go through all that upset again. I know that PTSD effect empathy, but how can I manage this?

Crying, I am so sorry for you. I don't like to talk about it generally, but your story has touched my heart. I suffered from PTSD 3 years ago, and my head was an awful place to be. I tried to communicate well, but couldn't really. Saw a psychologist who used EMDT for around 4 sessions, then a few more regular CBT with him, and it was wonderful to feel like myself again. My DH wrote him a thank you note for 'returning my wife to me'. Prior to this, I would never have given therapy a second of my time, but for me, it was life changing and worth every penny. Good luck to you both.

Thank you Little I live in hope, it's been a little better this afternoon, but it is so difficult. At times I feel like I'm completely imagining how awful it is, but I'm just so shut out. I'll just keep hoping that he returns

So it's me again with a NC (previously crying and now Just ). I'm rereading the posts as we seem to be in exactly the same pattern/ circle all over again. Although this time I asked him to go as he was being so difficult. He has since said he is not sure he wants to work it through (like he's on repeat). The difference is that I'm not sure what I want anymore. I feel sure that despite everything I couldn't have been more supportive and I feel like a mug for letting him stamp all over my heart whether he is unwell or not. But that said I still care and I don't want to get divorced or separate permanently.
I can see we are following a script/pattern and I'm trying to be really strong and I want to change it but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions? Be kind I'm feeling fragile again!

Anyone? He came home today to drop some stuff off and pick some stuff up. He couldn't talk to me and seemed very low. I asked him to stay but he couldn't cope with any kind of contact even when I suggested we just cook and not talk. I'm really worried for his MH, but at the same time feel I should protect myself a bit too. Feeling very conflicted

Please just take care of yourself and your kids

Sounds really tough. He needs to lean on friends and family not you.
Like has been said here and elsewhere being mentally unwell is not an excuse for behaving badly.
I'm Glad you've found the strength to stand up to him.

What support have you got?

Try to emotionally detach from him. Look after yourself and your DC. Put your energy into being kind to you and doing nice things for you. You sound very strong. I found the Lundy Bancroft book "Should I stay or should I go?" very useful in working out my boundaries and considering how to behave in a similar situation.

Thanks to everyone that replied. I am trying to look after myself more at the moment and am reading 'Should I stay or should I go' but finding it hard to concentrate on anything really. I'm finding that I'm not missing him as much as I would have expected and that scares me. As horrible as he sounds now, before he became unwell he was a wonderful husband and father. I don't understand how he can opt out of family life right now, but I'm not sure it's a choice.

In terms of support I have really great friends but I'm finding close family members views difficult. They assume I should leave him and I don't feel ready to make that decision yet. I'm finding the pressure very difficult to deal with. It's the limbo and the not knowing that I find so stressful

Just pm me id u like my dh is struggling with a mh disorder and its terrible we are getting there day by day but i couldnt ltb either i marries for in sickness and in health i woulsnt leave if it was his body failing so coa its his brain i cant hust walk away