DP wont kiss me

[PinkSparrow]

If I've gone down on him the same day.

Kissing is a big deal to me, and generally we are very affectionate with each other and kiss throughout the day often, not just around the time we are initiating/ having sex.

I enjoy going down on him, I want to do it, but knowing that he wont come near me for the rest of the day or kiss me during the remainder of our bedroom activities really puts me off doing it.

I understand that he doesn't want to taste himself on me, and I wouldn't mind if he'd rather wait till I've brushed my teeth and washed my face but after that I don't understand why I generally need to wait 24 hours.

We are very lighthearted about things and I've asked him what the "time limit" is but he didn't really answer me. We live together but by normal standards this is still quite a new relationship, I adore him and I find it difficult that we can't be as intimate if I do this for him but we both enjoy it so much I don't want to stop altogether. I do it less than I'd like to though just because I can't face the thought of going ages without being affectionate in other ways.

Is there a way of bringing this up with him without it seeming like I'm blackmailing him? Has anyone else been through this and been able to change their partner's mind or do I just have to suck it up (pardon the pun)?

If I was secretly ok with it I wouldn't have posted. I was asking for advice on how to bring it up.

I'm not sure why him not going down on me makes him a shit if I don't want him to do it.

I'm not disagreeing that its unfair of him, I'm in the same mindset as you all about that. If it was the other way around i wouldn't have a problem kissing him but the fact is, rightly or wrongly, he dislikes it and I'd rather see if there was a tactful way to make us both happy than just saying "my way or no way".

I don't mind people being critical, I was just trying to point out that our sex life is otherwise good and fair, if you like.

OP you need to realise that this is not normal behaviour, so stop thinking you are going to offend when it's him presenting you with a problem - he doesn't seem in the least bit bothered about the fact that he is acting like a weird person with weird standards - so yes you do have to say something or else you are allowing another person to control your feelings!

My DP doesn't go down on me but I am perfectly happy to give him oral. I like doing it and he doesn't. No way would I make him do something he isn't happy doing in the bedroom because I enjoy doing it to him!! As it is, I am perfectly happy with him not doing it as I don't personally like it.
I do think you need to have an honest conversation with him though.

That's massively childish of him. Straight afterwards is fair, but surely after half an hour or so he should be fine with it?
Sounds a bit of a dick.

You've had quite a bit of advice about how to bring it up. Any of it something you're willing to try?

You are not happy with this situation. Tell him. STOP tiptoeing around him and being worried about issuing ultimatums - he is doing something that you are not happy about and you have every right to calmly explain how it makes you feel.

Your feelings and wishes are just as important as his.

This is very strange, to say the least. He's obviously got some sort of issue surrounding oral sex. Not clearly enough of an issue he doesn't want you to do it, but yep, just enough of an issue to stop him doing it to you and refusing to kiss you after when you go down on him. But yes, not quite enough of an issue to stop you going down on him. You kind of lose all ways really and he wins, right?

Just talk to him and try to understand it, don't blackmail him, just ask him gently what's causing the concern. If it's as good a relationship as you say, then he should be open to the discussion,

Your missing out

Sorry that was just lighthearted. I agree with the PP who said it sounds more psychological. Is he religious or his parents or anything ?

Unborn trust me, I'm not

He isn't religious, nor are his family so I don't think it has anything to do with that.

This may sound weird but he is an extremely picky eater, maybe it's related to that?

I think I'll start off by asking him what exactly it is that bothers him and go from there. It's hard for me to understand because I wouldn't care at all, even without him cleaning his face or whatever I'd just carry on.

He really isn't an arsehole and as I've just gone along with it he doesn't realise just how much it bothers me, maybe it'll be different when i explain how it makes me feel.

Address the going down issues, which is causing the problem. Seems simple enough to me.

I would be saying no more oral sex, then. Kissing during/after sex is too amazing to give up!

You should definitely speak to him but do not feel bad, it's him imposing a really weird kissing ban, not you, are you meant to be a psychologist, no, didn't think so.

I think you just need to ask him outright what the issue is, you can't try and guess it which is why you have no chance of changing him psychologically until you know what it is and that he would like to change.
He's only going to make an effort to change it he knows how much it bothers you.
So nothing will happen until you either refuse oral or ask him outright.
I went out with a bloke who wouldn't kiss me after because he thought it 'was a bit gay'. Let's just say he wasn't a keeper. I can only speculate that it is this, or like a germ/OCD type feeling he has about it. IMO a lot of men secretly enjoy after oral snogging because it's seen as a bit excitingly rude and dirty and women like it because it's sensual and intimate.

There is an element here which is making you feel a bit grubby and ashamed, like you are tainted after oral which is why you need to address it.

I would bring it up during an intimate moment.

Say something like' how come you stop kissing me after having oral sex'

Them tell him you want to be kissed and if he won't kids you after oral then oral will stop.
I would then tell him that you would like oral yourself( but that's me)

If he sulks them he really is a twat.

I hope the test of your relationship is spot on because his behaviour would make me feel dirty.

Hopefully this will be resolved with a quick chat op, but do be prepared to stand your ground on this. This is exactly the sort of situation where you can start off thinking "I'm not going to make a fuss about x, because I'm not that bothered", and end up with your feelings and views being routinely ignored.

That may sound like a big jump, but believe me - it isn't.

Perhaps, like my ex, he has some OCD traits?

I actually felt hurt deep down even though i told myself "it's ok".
All his needs were getting satisfied - except mine.
You can make excuses to yourself for accepting this, but it will eat away (no pun intended ) at you/your relationship.

With my ex, he felt it was 'dirty' to go down on me or kiss me after i did him
He didn't say it like that though, just kept going on about 'i just don't like it', 'don't like the taste' .... tried blaming it on his 'ocd'

Funny how he was able to square it with himself to enjoy me doing something he considered 'dirty' and 'unhygienic'

Apparently he couldn't think of any ways around this
I suggested doing it in the shower/straight after, he grumbled and pouted about having to 'try it and see', and when he did it was like he was being asked to lick the pavement

Basically just couldn't be arsed about my feelings or putting some effort in.

I told him straight - "you're making me feel like i'm dirty in some way".
I'm pretty blunt so i told him i was beginning to resent giving him bj's, i couldn't live with a lifetime of not feeling fulfilled in the bedroom.

Despite all his other attributes, this was affecting me deeply emotionally, at the level of my own femininity and sexuality.
Of course, he couldn't understand that, i was just being 'intolerant', i should instead be focusing on how wonderful he is in every other way and be grateful that i 'have it good'

None of this was said overtly, it dawns on you over time. i can't believe i spent best part of 2 years with him. Never again!

ThisThing - exactly.

EXACTLY!!

Also when people ask you why you are ok with him not going down on you I think it is time to be brutally honest about why. If it is because it makes you feel very uncomfortable then that something to address IMO. It's a pleasurable act and when women say 'oh I don't like it' this is often because they know their partner doesn't want to do it and they are putting their own needs last. I haven't wanted some men to do it to me because I knew they would complain about it

Is he worried about carrying 'the gay' by kissing you after?! He's not going to explode if he tastes some of his semen. And it is ridiculous for him to require you to ensure some sort of quarantine period before he'll kiss you again.

Others have better advice, but you must know what you're asking for isn't a big ask.

*endure, not ensure

I think it sounds like a sexual issue actually. It's not normal to find the thought of vestigial penis cooties so disgusting that you won't kiss your partner for 24 hours afterwards. It sounds like OCD Type traits.
You're going to have to just bite the bullet and ask!

I agree. It's that or the gay thing

OP you could be posting about my dp.

I'm not bothered about receiving oral, it's never really done it for me. He did it for me the first times we had sex before we said actually I like a, b and c and I don't like x, y and z. I love giving him BJs and he's happy to receive. He's not a particularly kissy kisser iyswim and doesn't like kisses straight after I've given him oral though he will accept a peck on the cheek/lips and fine once I'I've brushed my teeth.

I sometimes miss kisses in sex but apart from that I'm fine with it. Dp has some other sensory/germ issues which I haven't got, hence why I'm fine about giving oral and he's not.

I hate the "if he won't give you oral then you need to stop giving it to him" attitude. It would not be tolerated if it were the other way round and I agree that a tit for tat approach is not going to make for a happy sex life.

This isn't about ignoring your needs either, if the lack of kissing really bothers you then you need to carefully broach it, either just after sex or at another intimate time. Explain it upsets you and why and ask what you can do as a couple to work something out that suits you both. Then see if there is a solution that can satisfy you both, if not and you are still left feeling unfulfilled then that's important not be ignored and may mean you need to reconsider the relationship. Good Luck.

TBH, I'm not overly keen on my DH kissing me after he's gone down on me either. Just do the kissing before you give him a BJ.

It is fine to not like it, but what is not good in any relationship is not talking about it and being honest about the reasons. Because here you can see it just makes the other person uncomfortable. It's ok to say 'look I'm sorry it is my issue surrounding this I don't intend to make you feel bad about it' but to just avoid talking about it or kissing someone is not ok.
Oral sex is a very personal thing and if you don't like it then that's also ok. But if you convince yourself you don't like it simply because your partner won't do it that's also different.