Husband had an affair after 44 years of marriage . I want to stick around for Grandchildren .

[Laylajaney]

My husband had an affair after 44years of marriage . I discovered the affair
which I think he would still be having had I not found out about it .
I would have preferred it if he disappeared with his lover but he is still here because she didn't want him in the end . I would rather stay put because my children and Grandchildren live within the area I m living in at the moment . If we sold up it would mean moving to a cheaper area miles away from here . Everyday is a challenge because I'm living with someone who really demonstrated that he didn't give any thought to my feelings and isn't the person I thought I'd been married to for all those years .
What would you do in these circumstances ?
Its been difficult to think it through because it has upset so many people apart from me .My daughter was extremely stressed by this .
As far as I'm concerned we are separated but living in the same house for practical reasons. Is this a good idea ?Do you think it will back fire on me . Any advice appreciated .

I'm assuming you're only in 60s. You've lot life ahead of you and you want to be happy. I wouldn't stay if you should stay or not but I think you should really look at options available. Get financial and legal advice. And really think about whether you want to spend another possibly 20 or more years with someone you don't want to live with.
And I'm sorry you're going through this. After such long life with someone you must feel devastated.

Thanks for all the feed back .
The affair as far as I know had been going on for at least 6 months . It was with an old flame so not a younger model.
I found out about because he was due to retire and insisted on using my sisters holiday cottage ,which was quite nearby, to write a book . I went along with this and so did my sisters who live abroad at the moment . The short and long of this is that he made arrangement to meet up with old flame via Facebook . It developed from there . I noticed her name when reading the references as to who had helped him with the book . I asked him why connect with past girlfriends to which he replied "don't be so stupid she lives in New South Wales " . I told my friend what he'd said and she agreed there was no danger as his old girlfriend lived in Aus . It turned out she came over to visit her family in UK on a regular basis at which point she went to the cottage for sexual liaison with my husband .My suspicions aroused I looked at his emails and all these love letters poured out directed to this woman. I told him to go with her - but she said she wanted to remain an independent woman . She doesn't want him to go to Oz . Originally he thought about going on an open ticket with some of our savings !
I've been so shocked by all this. I thought I had been unreasonable to look at private emails and had never done this before ! I feel he has totally disrespected me and the family including my sisters .

It is totally disrespectful, you're right.

I haven't been in your situation, so can't honestly imagine how it really feels (though can guess, and I'd be heartbroken) But maybe take a year to focus on yourself 100%. Think about what you want to do, be, have, see, try and don't let his presence interfere at all with this. If by the end of the year you want to forgive him or move on, either way you'll be in a stronger place because your happiness will be entirely independent of him.

He has been cruel, but it's so likely to be all about his low feelings about himself not you. Him feeling old and that he's in need of excitement and lacking the imagination to find it anywhere but the most obvious place. (I often think affairs are committed by the imaginative people.)

If you want to stay in the area, can you not look to buy a small flat nearby (a nice one) and he can shuffle off to the cheaper area further away? It might be liberating to have fewer possessions, fewer rooms to have to clean.

FWIW, though (and I know this is SO easy to say without being in your position) I think forgiveness is a very under-rated strength on MN. I don't think it has to mean you're a doormat. I know women who've forgiven and gone on to have genuinely strong marriages, full of love and respect because the affair was a fault line that they sorted out. But the cheater has to be so committed to showing repentance and love and respect.

Wow. My last comment crossed with you details, OP. I take it back. Not sure I'd be bothered about forgiving that.

I'm so sorry op. It's awful when life doesn't pan out the way you intended / thought.

I was there after 30 years of marriage with grandchildren as well. Thankfully he left eventually and I got my freedom back and it was wonderful.
' everyday is a challenge '

Well you can do without that op.

If things are a challenge right now...what if he gets sick, has a stroke...how would that be. Would you just fall into the role of nurse or would you wish you had put some distance between yourselves when you had the chance?

I say that because mine got a particularly nasty cancer after he'd been gone 5 years and was I relieved I didn't have to go through that...his ow did.

You don't want his miserable shadow towering over you, do you? Grumpy, critical...blaming you for everything that goes wrong.

I was lucky enough to meet someone else and now 8 years on am having a blast. Couldn't be happier. Got married when I was 63.

I much prefer that to living with a miserable lump who hated my very existence.

You never know what you can afford till you look.

He doesn't give a damn, does he? And he's only not joining the OW because she won't have him.

The chances are, statistically, he will become ill and frail sooner than you.

Could you really see yourself caring for and supporting this cheater emotionally in the future? If he's not contrite, then, sounds like that would be unlikely.

Take advice from people here, gather all financial information, and see a solicitor asap.

I agree that you should look at all the options and decide what YOU want. Get all your financial info together and go and see a solicitor, just for informational purposes. Find out what your house is worth. What could you buy locally for half of that? It might be a flat or a cottage, but it would be all yours.

Your DH sounds arrogant and utterly unrepetentant, but if you both want to save the marriage you could look into marriage counselling. Does he have low self-esteem? Is he feeling a bit old and decrepit and was this affair to try and prove otherwise to himself? Does he want to mend things with you or is he being belligerent and self-righteous? And, bottom line, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him - possibly part of that as his carer? You don't need to make a snap decision, but I would really explore, both mentally and practically, all your options.

Awful news OP. You must be feeling completely blindsided.

I'm not sure how long ago you found out but do give yourself time. Your DH has had the luxury of thinking time...

I have been through this op, and I'm so sorry that you're experiencing it too.

I tried forgiveness but couldn't do it. My life is very different but I promise you that the pros will outweigh the cons.

I am occasionally lonely without a partner, and less financially secure, but sleep soundly every night in the knowledge that I did the right thing.

Staying with him promised companionship and fewer money worries, but with a man proven to be a liar capable of betraying me more than anyone ever had or ever will.

Every day I looked at him and felt such anger and pain, knowing he had disrespected me so badly and couldn't possibly love me as a husband should.

Take your time, there is no rush. Get support where you can. But fwiw I think you should be moving towards separation rather than wasting your remaining years on this man. Find a backbone and wipe the smile off his face, show him you're not going to roll over and take it, he can't just slot back into his comfortable old life.

If this happened to your daughter, what would you advise her to do?

I would probably stay at that age and just lead separate lives and sleep in separate rooms. shared history is hard to just wipe away for me.

I would rather stay put because my children and Grandchildren live within the area I'm living in at the moment . If we sold up it would mean moving to a cheaper area miles away from here .

Any chance of combining with one of the DC to create a three-generation household (granny flat / annexe). You get to stay in the area, they get help with childcare. Everyone (well, except one and no sympathy there) wins.

Take proper legal advice and see what you really can afford (have you worked out yet what you would actually be entitled to from the sale of your joint property, investments, pensions etc? Might be better than you think ...) and don't assume that everything has to be split 50:50.

He has been a selfish, unkind, deceitful apology for a man and I would (personally) take everything I could get and leave his sorry arse.

I am near to you in age, BTW, and I think some of the younger people on here imagine that you should just stay together because of your long past history, but I think you should get out there, live your life as you want to and make some new memories!

My grandmother left her husband after 41 years of marriage. Different circumstances but still.

A few years down the line she is happier than she has ever been and can not believe she wasted so many years in a bad marriage because the thought of not being in it was too scary and big.

She is 72 now has her own little bungalow sees her children and grandchildren regularly does dance classes, has a little glass of wine with her dinner, she is happy

Personally, I couldn't live with the betrayal. I think you'll find you can think much cleared about what you would like to do, with him being around all the time. I'd ask him to move out and weigh up.the options. I knew someone who separated and continued to live together, they couldn't move on with their lives and we're deeply unhappy. He probably feels like he's got away with it because nothing has really changed. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

So you own your own house now right? Is the mortgage paid off? Could you not buy a flat with your share?

I would far rather live independently in a small flat than share a house with someone who had betrayed me like that.

We own our house so could split it 50/50 . Its in an expensive area so I could get a reasonably nice house a couple of counties away. I have 3 kids and 3 Grandchildren and don't want to miss out on them by moving .I don't drive so need good transport links . My daughter had a break down a few months ago and I live nearby for babysitting/childminding. She said her mental break down wasn't linked to this but I wonder if she said this to spare feelings .This all happened just after I found out at end of June - I think it might have been a 'last straw for her !' All this has prevented me from thinking in depth about my own situation . Now I've got time I i feel the need to sort it all out . Like you say I might end up resentfully looking after him if he gets ill .
Does anyone know if a judicial separation ,which is not a divorce would mean losing his private pension when he pops his clogs ?

You don't have to end it. An affair is not necessarily the end of things. My parents both had affairs but are still happily married after 60 years. They had to work on it, but they are very happy together.

Why do either of you need a house if you divorce? You will be two single people, surely two small flats will be what you are looking for not a family home?

There must be something affordable even in an expensive area that is nearer than two counties away - it sounds v much like not wanting to compromise on lifestyle rather than real lack of availability.

If you had a small flat near your daughter then you wouldn't need extra bedrooms etc for them to stay over for visits. And looking to the future, giving up a big garden is a good idea for when it becomes a struggle to maintain.

I think there are properties out there but you need to have a long hard talk with yourself about what 'a nice house is' and what you actually need from a retirement property - small or no garden, no stairs, fewer bedrooms, v little maintenance, next to a bus stop etc are all really practical in the long run but not what would have been top of your list in the past

I would want a garden as I've always been the gardener of the household and its a main hobby .I don't need a big house maybe one or two bedrooms as I have 3 children with their own children .
Its good to hear opinions helps to clear my head .Thank you .

You can do this Layla. It will be a change but you will cope.

Good luck, you will emerge happier and stronger from this.

Could you look into an allotment plus a flat in order to keep up your gardening hobby?

Or join a community gardening organisation, which would help you meet new people as well as giving back to a community?

Layla get legal advice. Then decide what your next move should be.

I'd also be keeping a very close eye on joint savings etc.