Does anyone have any experience of confronting their childhood abuser?

[thatshowasuperherolearnstofly]

I'm planning to do this in the new year.

Just wondered if anyone could offer any advice/experience/a handhold?

I would think going to the police or maybe the nspcc if you can't face the police would be safer for you for many reasons. Is this something you could do?

Thanks for replying mud. I can't go to the police, it's complicated..

Hadn't thought about NSPCC. Maybe..

I know someone who did. (Friend of someone in my social circle)

Chap was abused by a relative as a boy, the wider family knew but covered it up. he grew into a fairly messed up young man, always in fights. Grew out of that As an adult but stayed quite fit and still handy with his fists.

Went round to his abusers one night and properly knocked seven kinds of shit out of him. The family also covered this up so though the older chap ended up in hospital and had some permanent damage, the police were not involved.

Pretty sad all round.

Here for handholding.

I have thought about doing this but it was a close family member and can't see that it would be of any benefit to confront him so I've always kept quiet

Perhaps talking to the adult survivors of childhood abuse helpline might be useful to talk through your options and what organisations (other than the police) might be able to help support you in whatever you choose to do?

You don't have to involve the police but there are lots of other agencies that can offer advice etc.

No. It happened when I was a baby/toddler and was only informed what happened when I was much older. He was dead by that time or I would have tracked him down, gone round and pulverised him for how my life has been so badly affected by the selfish bastard

Can I ask how you believe confronting him will help you or what your main reason(s) for choosing this option are? I'm just asking because I wonder if there are better ways for you to get support/help rather than talking to an evil person?

Think very carefully about what your goal is.

How will you feel if they deny it? How will you feel if they admit it, or partially admit and minimise it? What if they make excuses? How will you feel if they try to blame you for their actions? Could they become violent now - would you be safe?

I would be extremely surprised if they admit what happened and/or apologise etc, so you may be left feeling even more angry and hurt than now.

Police are always an option, even if it is complicated. The police are used to complicated situations.

Yup and it was so not worth it

Yes I wanted to add that as well - he could and very well might completely deny it. He could tell you he was helping you with wet clothes or some bullshit or just completely not acknowledge anything at all.

Indirectly yes and it made it worse.

Banty and unicorns, if you had your time again would you not do it?

Yes, I would not do it. But that's me and my abuser.

Duckies, thank you. Mine is also a close family member. So complicated, isn't it?

Apologies if I'm not responding to anyone without direct experience. I can't.

Thanks banty. I'm sorry it didn't work out well for you

Mine was a family member too, it is with the police now even though it happened 30 yes ago, I imagine every day what I would say to their face.

Thanks for replying Mrsdarcy, I wish you the best of luck with your case

He was 15 I was 9. He died when he was 20 from drug overdose alone and in a squat. Although I never had legal justice I think that karma well and truely bit his ass. Took me 27 years to realise it wasn't my fault and to grow as a woman. I had always felt like a child before like i was stuck at that age. I have nothing but respect for those who try to bring these fetted scumbags to justice. My support group we call ourselves warrior women.

Sort of confronted my abuser (dad) as a child (age 15) when I disclosed to my teacher what had been happening. He had assaulted me daily from age 11 to 13 then stopped when my mum found out. Her reaction was to tell me never to talk about it again and that I'd made her very angry

The reason I disclosed when I did was because he had started grooming my younger sister. When I told my mum this she said "Don't be silly darling, he doesn't even like her."

Anyway I had the full script from him:
It didn't happen at all
He was just playing a game and I was mistaken
It was all Esther Rantzen's fault because this stupid Childline stuff put ideas in kids' heads
I must have made it up to punish him because I'd asked for a new computer for Xmas and he'd said no
OK, it did happen but I wanted it so it was my fault
I was very flirtatious so he couldn't help himself
I obviously liked it because otherwise I would have killed myself or run away
I must have liked it because I continued to spend time with him
It was all my mum's fault for being frigid, because A Man Has Needs
More and more stuff which I've forgotten, all equally wounding and scarring to hear as a child.

Unfortunately there was nobody in the house to advocate for me, nobody was on my side. I was the troublemaker. I was the one causing problems and "washing my dirty laundry in public". My mum told me "You can drag yourself through the dirt if you must but you're not bringing this family down with you."

The police declined to prosecute, btw. It was the 80s. They didn't even bother interviewing my sister.

What I'm saying is, be prepared not just for his denials and blame-casting onto you, but also be prepared for the rest of your family to turn on you. If you do go ahead with this, it can be very freeing just to look the bastard in the eye and say "I know what you did and you will burn in hell", but make sure you have strong support around you.

If this has come to your mind because it's Xmas and you're expected to spend time with the abuser, can you think about making an excuse to get out of it? Sudden bout of stomach flu, etc. Terrible bug been going round at work, spent Xmas day on the toilet, blah blah blah.

When is was 13 i was abused at the age of 19 i met with him through the police, i realised it wasn't my fault, after that i finally was able to trust people again..sorry i didn't help you

Sorry to hear what you went through mylittlephoney (and everyone else)

Pocketsaviour - thanks for your reply. Can I ask how you got from outright denial to admission - was that in the same conversation or did you have to confront him again?

I confronted mine (stepfather) but he said I imagined it all. I told my mother and she responded with you'll have to go stay with your auntie but you can't tell them. She actually saw him gropping me the fukker and she said I was a slut. Nice one eh to a 12 -13 year old. I became a troublemaker but all I got but you've a lovely middle class family yeah and so what doesn't stop abuse does it. This was in the 80's.

My mother tried to rewrite history and I wasn't haven't it. I went low contact and I never ever left my kids with her or him in fact they didn't get to visit for years.

Both are now dead

I reported the person who abused me to the police a few years ago. He was dead by then, I later discovered. But just reporting him was so cathartic.

I wouldn't have confronted him myself because (with hindsight) he'd have found some way to make it all my fault. The police would have been able to cut that down straight away.

Why can't you go to the police? It doesn't matter who it was, or how close they are to you: just report them. Scumbag.

I don't have any advice, but if you do go ahead, make sure you are safe, can get away quickly if you need to, and have someone around to support you afterwards (someone who knows what you are doing, or a helpline, or someone to be with even if they don't know the full story).

I was abused by my brother and his friend when they were around 12-13 and I was around 8. I was too frightened/ashamed to tell anyone. I was scared of him. He undermined my confidence and threatened me if I told. It was only after I had my own children that i decided to speak up.
I just wanted him to admit what he'd done, acknowledge the pain it had caused me and apologise. This was around 10 years ago now.
Unfortunately, it has created a massive rift in my family as my brother, his wife and his daughters have cut me out of their life since I spoke out.
I don't regret speaking up about it though. I just wished I had done so when I was a child so I wouldn't have had to carry this secret with me through life.