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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone have any experience of confronting their childhood abuser?

30 replies

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 17/12/2016 18:04

I'm planning to do this in the new year.

Just wondered if anyone could offer any advice/experience/a handhold?

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 18/12/2016 23:45

Pocketsaviour - thanks for your reply. Can I ask how you got from outright denial to admission - was that in the same conversation or did you have to confront him again?

Things were very confused and he went back and forth. Initially I believed he had denied everything, however things that my mum said later made me think that he had admitted it to her. At the time I disclosed we were referred for a "family counselling session" via social services which was basically 60 minutes of him denying everything, talking about how isolated and lonely he felt, and making up reasons why I would have accused him (Childline, no new computer, etc.) It was an horrific experience. I did not speak.

(After I disclosed, I never spoke to him again. Silence was the only control I had, and I used it to the full. Ironic, since he had frequently controlled us by silent treatment. It's 28 years now since I last spoke to him.)

After I gave my statement to police, they told me that they would now interview him. If he denied events, they would definitely prosecute. If he admitted them, they would then make a decision to prosecute or not, or proceed with either NFA, a prosecution, or a caution. He was not prosecuted, so he must have admitted it. However I never received any official information from the police - that was all given to my mum, who changed the narrative to suit herself.

He wrote my mum a letter about a year after when he said he'd had to turn to me because she was frigid.

He was a very practised liar - he'd had a string of affairs throughout the marriage and somehow always made my mum fall for his lies. He was also a serial insurance fraudster. He would go back and forth with the lies and was always very convincing. He could make you doubt the evidence of your own eyes.

FookyNell · 19/12/2016 00:12

Dsis and I reported our step/adoptive father to the police 30 years after the repeated offences on us both that spanned 3 years (as far as we can piece together).

He was arrested at the house he still shared with our mother and went on to plead guilty, receiving a custodial sentence of 36 months and serving half.

I'd spent 11 years post abuse being caught alone and having to listen to him whine about how sorry he was, it was worse than the actual abuse in many ways.

Go to the police, don't confront him alone. You are not alone now.

OnTheRise · 19/12/2016 09:04

I want to add to my earlier comment: if you do decide to confront the abuser, make sure you're safe. Have a supportive, fearless friend with you, meet somewhere public if possible, and put in place a plan to get away as soon as you need to: so no waiting for taxis, or meeting at the train station if your next train home isn't for another hour and a half. And if they start having a go at you remember you don't have to stay there and listen to their miserable rantings: you can just walk away.

I still think you're better off just reporting them to the police, but if you do decide to confront, your priority must be to keep yourself safe.

Lostsoul231 · 19/12/2016 09:29

Agree with the above. I had someone with me when I confronted him. Unfortunately, his wife (my sil) still came round to my house later and threatened me and called me a trouble causing liar etc.

The backlash of me speaking out was awful but I don't regret doing it. I know the truth and I can look my own children in the eye when I tell them they need to speak out if anyone abuses them.

thatshowasuperherolearnstofly · 19/12/2016 12:21

Thanks all. I will take precautions.

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