I want to leave

[KittensXmasTrifle]

My marriage has just petered out. It's been failing for a while, and I just don't have the energy to go on anymore.

We have had sex once this year. We row a lot. I feel very lonely and abandoned within the relationship.

He's a good man, and he loves me. I love him too. But we just can't seem to make it work. He works long hours, we've just relocated for the third time in five years for his job. I am exhausted, both by all the moving and the emotional absence at home.

We still have our flat in our last location- it needed some building work finishing before we sold it, and his employer have rented us somewhere for a year in the new location.

I just want to go home, even if it is all plastic sheeting and dust. I want peace and quiet and a break from all the fighting. I want to be somewhere that I actually know a few people and have familiar surroundings. Not be in the middle of nowhere , somewhere I know no-one and nothing, spending too much time on my own because he has a new workload to handle and is too knackered when he's not working to do anything.

I just want to pack a bag and hop back on the train, it'll take about 4 or 5 hours to get back.

How do I do it? Do I just go? I don't want to tell him in advance because it'll just mean another fight. He's got a work Xmas party all afternoon. Am I just gone when he gets back. Do I leave a note, text him when I get back.

I don't know if I am leaving because I want to leave for good, or just to get some space, or even just to communicate how done in I am. I don't know what to do.

You've given up so much for him. You sound exhausted and at breaking point. For your sanity, it sounds like you need to put down some roots, rest and focus on rebuilding your own life, it's not fair or reasonable for you to pack everything up and move after him all the time.
I don't think you need to make a permanent decision now, view it as taking a break in order to reach a decision.
Be kind in the way you break the news to him, maybe it's better to look back and see it as one last time you put his needs first than to look back and think ouch, I could have handled that better?
Be prepared for him to crumble, or to blame you for stuff you'd never even realised he thought was your fault (eg why didn't you stop me taking these jobs).
Sometimes you just can't take any more and you need to listen to that inner voice. Well done for being so brave. Good luck.

God op - you sound mentally, emotionally and physically drained. Please walk away from this sad marriage - at least temporarily if you are not totally ready to leave permanently - and recharge a bit. Really feel for you.

Go op. Go.

OP try and think of some positives - making new choices new work experience friends - own home where you can have all the bed and remote - go out/stay in eat what you like ..... No one to check with or feel 'wrong' - go enjoy!!

I just told him that is is over and now he has locked himself in the kitchen.

Good luck, it sounds tough

Eek, hope you're okay, and that he will calm down. Sounds like you're doing the right thing

Hope you're ok op

Good luck OP. You sound stronger than maybe you think you are. You can do it.

How are you op?

Have you made your timetable/plans to leave, Kittens, or are you playing it by ear? At least it's out in the open now and it hopefully gets better from here for you...and deep breath.

I guess the reason you didn't want to tell him is because he'd guilt trip you out if it. You're still there, aren't you op? Has he talked you around? You couldn't just walk away because you are a decent person. But he's not being fair to you, he does not have your best interests at heart, it's all about him.

Don't let him emotionally manipulate you. If he's managed to talk you around then bide your time and just leave when the time is right for you.

Will check back later. You're probably in the thick of it

So sorry to read this Kitten. I hope things are going ok and you get the space to decide what you want to do.

Thinking of you

Oh dear, he's not really acting the grown-up here, is he?

Hope you're ok

Well that was intense. A lot of crying on both sides. Nothing real settled or decided, just a lot of sorting through old feelings.

We did say that if we separate/divorce, it will be amicable and we want one another to thrive. And I do believe that, based on past experience. One of his good points is that he is very reasonable about practical arrangements and money- he doesn't get over invested or attached to stuff.

But mostly we spoke about how we got here, which was cathartic at least.
I suspect tomorrow will be less intense and more emotionally sober, it's more likely we'll decide on a plan of action.

The future does feel more hopeful than it has done for a while though. I don't know what that means in detail yet, but I do feel like I don't need to be scared of leaving or scared of staying now. And I do feel I can choose, not just stay or run out of blind panic.

He didn't try to talk me round ANewDawn. He doesn't do that. Twice he has gotten very upset and asked me not to leave- once when we had been going out about 6 months and I was thinking about relocating for work, once quite recently. When we have veered into this territory before I have felt how much he doesn't want to to go based on empathy/reading his tone/expression/body language.

He did just tell me that he doesn't try to talk me round because he does want me to be happy, and if to be happy I need to leave then he won't stand in the way of that. It could be manipulation but I genuinely don't think he does that. He can be unthinking and very selfish, but he's not really at home on an emotional level to the extent of being manipulative. Stubborn, yes, demanding, yes, unfeeling yes, self-controlled to the point of being controlling just through strength of will and sheer obstinacy/unwillingness to budge. But not manipulative.

It's the selfish/demanding/unfeeling/controlled and controlling bit I struggle with. It's a very cold way of life to me. I would find it a bit easier if he was a bit manipulative to be honest- would indicate more of a grasp of the emotional side of life.

Keep going op - it sounds as if you are getting somewhere. Just be careful not to be sucked back into the same situation again. .. it does seem as if he is someone who would find it difficult to really change or properly take other people's feelings into account.

It seems to me that the only long term solution in a realationship like this will probably be to break up, but good luck with whatever you decide.

Kittens - it's good that you feel more hopeful. As Naice says, be careful about being sucked back in.

My STBXH is a lot of what you describe. I didn't think he was manipulating me. But he was, because he is scared of losing everything and being on his own. Since then he really has shown his true colours and I am reeling in shock tbh.

Only you know the best course of action. Listen to your gut and see what he DOES rather than what he says.

Thank you Naice. It is very likely that. But I am now seeing a more orderly and gentle path to that than just disappearing with my stuff in a bag. It will help me a lot to be able to do it like that.

I understand what you're saying op. Best of luck and keep us updated!

Good luck. I think I would go and stay in your flat and see how things look when you're not living under the same roof. The relationship does sounds quite one sided. You've relocated to support him, but he's put off getting a cat which would help you feel more like a unit. Feeling lonely in a relationship is awful and you deserve to be happy.