I want to leave

[KittensXmasTrifle]

My marriage has just petered out. It's been failing for a while, and I just don't have the energy to go on anymore.

We have had sex once this year. We row a lot. I feel very lonely and abandoned within the relationship.

He's a good man, and he loves me. I love him too. But we just can't seem to make it work. He works long hours, we've just relocated for the third time in five years for his job. I am exhausted, both by all the moving and the emotional absence at home.

We still have our flat in our last location- it needed some building work finishing before we sold it, and his employer have rented us somewhere for a year in the new location.

I just want to go home, even if it is all plastic sheeting and dust. I want peace and quiet and a break from all the fighting. I want to be somewhere that I actually know a few people and have familiar surroundings. Not be in the middle of nowhere , somewhere I know no-one and nothing, spending too much time on my own because he has a new workload to handle and is too knackered when he's not working to do anything.

I just want to pack a bag and hop back on the train, it'll take about 4 or 5 hours to get back.

How do I do it? Do I just go? I don't want to tell him in advance because it'll just mean another fight. He's got a work Xmas party all afternoon. Am I just gone when he gets back. Do I leave a note, text him when I get back.

I don't know if I am leaving because I want to leave for good, or just to get some space, or even just to communicate how done in I am. I don't know what to do.

Please leave and think it through just to give yourself some distance. Is this going to be your life for the next however many years?

I hope you're on that train now, OP. Thank goodness you've got somewhere to go to. He sounds incredibly selfish and demanding.

I just realise there's no hope. He's been saying we'll get a cat for 5 years.

Flounced ostensibly that is sometimes an option on the table, but as soon as I take the bait and start to talk about that, then talk quickly turns to the practicalities of that- or rather the impracticalities/impossibility of it. He is happy for any change that involves his professional advancement, no matter what the other costs are, and those things can happen very quickly. Any small change that isn't linked to advancement in some way- it is a huge battle, that usually ends in no change or me being so exhausted in effecting the change it wasn't worth it.

Any attempts at building a life are all down to me, he goes along half heartedly and as soon as a meeting/deadline crops up, it's dropped. He will usually go along with things I suggest up to a point , but never suggests things himself and it's often like pushing water uphill in terms of his actual attitude when it comes to it, so I give up after a while. Then it's my fault for suggesting the wrong thing.

I need to get my ducks in row then go. When I started posting I wasn't sure if I just wanted a break or if I needed to leave. I think it is tilting heavily towards leaving for good, so I need to be a bit more thorough than throwing a few things in a wheelie bag.

What kind of thing do I need not to forget? I am not thinking very clearly just now, I need to make a checklist I think. Maybe I am actually thinking clearly for the first time in a while.

Hi op

Anything valuable jewellery
Passport and personal paperwork inc marriage certs car ins etc
Medication
Clothes toiletries
Enough cash
And change passwords on phones iPads etc
Make sure iPads are not all connected via the cloud
All chargers
Anything you cannot leave behind

Evidence of his earnings.
Evidence of assess Inc property and savings.
Bank statements.

I think you are thinking very clearly atm.

Thank you

Assets

Marriage Cert.
Passport
Any finance details you can find.
Pension information
His salary information
Wage slips
Any salary info you might have from the past to prove what you gave up
Birth Cert if you have it
Documentation regarding the flat you are going back to, deeds, mortgage info etc....
Car info
Insurances
Bank details if joint accounts
Savings and account info if he has his own accounts
What furniture items do you want to take?

Then make it real by talking to a friend or family member.
A non-judgey one in case you do resolve things and stay together.

He seems very self centred.I would leave a note or some communication as that is respectful and I think it's best for you to be true to your values at this time.

I see feel like you are his support wife rather than have an equal relationship. I suspect he is so enmeshed in his career and what that gives him, he's lost sight of anything else important.

I can't see why you need to wait for his approval to get a cat, I would just do it.

Do you enjoy each other on holidays? What were your plans for Christmas?

I think you sound exhausted and I would try to build up your energy and then do something for yourself, get the cat, go back to the flat for a week, plan to start the job.If your marriage breaks because he and you can't get workable solutions then it's right for it to fail.
Just give yourself time to make decisions when you feel less drained.

Just wanted to make that kind of decision jointly Hermonie.

We used to enjoy taking holidays together. We haven't for a while- traveling got too much for me last year when I was ill, this year we moved house. He doesn't really relax during time off at home- work emails etc. Same when we went away though- he'd get up early so he could work while I was still asleep, and would check throughout the day. So we couldn't really stay out later than usual due to that. Xmas is usually better as the whole office shuts down, but he still keeps in touch with clients.

Our plans for Xmas are not much- just us, few visits to see people/do things that I organised. I have no close family left alive, it is mostly visits to his family/friends. Where we have relocated is very close to his hometown. He booked a meal out for us tomorrow night when I suggested it would be nice for us to have an Xmas night out together (he has 4 work ones, that's fairly usual). He wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't mentioned it. He wouldn't have bothered arranging a time to go see his parents if I didn't do it- he'd just assume they'd be there when he turned up. The same attitude now applies to me I think-I'll just be there when he turns up, that's what marriage is to him I think.

Just wanted to wish you luck. You are going to have a fantastic new start without him. You may meet someone new or you may have your life overtaken by a cat - or both! Either way, it will be much better than the miserable existence you've got now

Yup, to be honest, I've lots of times in life that were objectively more difficult/harder, but I've never been as consistently miserable/lonely/utterly lacking in hope and confidence as I am now, and have been for the last few years. So it's got to be better than this. I want my old self back.

OP, I truly feel for you. I hope you can move past this and regain a sense of happiness! Ps. Get cats they're awesome! You sound as though you have the perfect fundamentals and personality to gain a promising career. I wish you the best of luck

I sincerely hope things turn out well for you, OP, it's clear you can't go on as you are. Your DP comes across as passive aggressive, I could be very wide of the mark but it's a trait it took me a long, long time to discover in my DP - so I'm more sensitively attuned than I used to be - it saps the none PA affected partners life dry.

Yes, passive aggressive. He's got some pretty deep anger issues he's never sorted out. I am tired by being perpetually punished over nothing much, or things that weren't me. He needs to help himself with that, I can't do it for him.

I am just so weary.

How are your finances set up? Do you have a bank account of your own not linked to a joint account/his account? If not, set one up whilst you are getting your ducks in order.

Do not be surprised if he gets nasty at some point. You'll probably get the "I've provided for x years" thrown at you so make sure you have some sort of back up fund if you can possibly do so just in case he tries to cut off your access.

Make sure you take, or take copies of, any stocks or share certificates etc. Anything financial at all.

Yes, understand about the cat, it could have been a joint venture which builds some closeness between you.

He seems to avoid emotional attachment through work.You are someone that he can rely on to be there when he needs you, rather than what he can give to you.The way he treats his parents is telling.

You don't have to do everything in one go OP. Get out for now. Get some breathing space and perhaps have a quiet and relaxed Christmas on your own and don't think about it too much until at least a week or two into January and see how you feel then. It's your inner voice then that will tell you all you need to know. If the thought of going back or him moving back to the flat or your marriage continuing makes you feel the way you do now, get thee to a SHL and get the ball rolling. I cannot imagine living the way you are being expected to live. I would leave and start afresh. Stop worrying what he will say/think etc. Not your problem. Be free. Be happy.

He sounds like a control freak. I work in a senior corporate job in a cut throat, high stress environment and yet people do find time to have friendly chats now and then. He sounds vile.

I've got a current account and a savings account in my name Lala. He might get a bit nasty if he thinks he can bluff me into staying, but I think it will be reasonably straightforward when he realises I am serious. He has professional/reputation reasons to play reasonably fair I think.

Yes, I think I am around to be the emotional/practical backstop Hermonie.

I am already starting to feel calmer and happier than I have in a while Taint. Sort of a light at the end of the tunnel thing.

I know Christmas- I see how some of his colleagues manage things, and I used to work in a very high pressure environment, and as with most things, where there is a will there's a way. He very much wants to maintain a perfect image at work- always helpful, reliable, never lets anyone down, always responds/helps. But he makes up the difference by cutting what he has left for me. And also for himself. That's were the anger/passive aggression comes from- he makes compromises he's not really happy with and resents them. But he buries it and it comes out later- usually in my direction. Oh well, he can get a new whipping boy.

I think you're thinking clearly too. Honestly, he sounds like no one I could be in a relationship with. How lacking in warmth it sounds, how perfunctory.
I'd go and leave his diary print-outs in the toilet.

I'm in a similar situation to you, Kitten - I'll be running for the hills after Christmas - well more shuffling him out the door. I wish I'd done it earlier when I was your age - it hardly seems worth it at my age but I will be grateful for the relief from the stress and the sheer, heavy, misery of it. Good luck!

It sounds like you've sacrificed everything for his career.

You're equally important.

It's the lack of warmth that really gets me pictish.

Good luck with the shuffling Flounced. You're right, life is to short for oppressive, stressful misery.

I was ok earlier, fairly calm and happy. But I just started crying for the sheer waste of time it's been. How much hurt I've put up with. Feel better again after crying though.

Thank you pringlecat. I need to keep telling myself that.