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Original poster

What sort of marriage does this look like to you?

41 replies

schrodcat · 15/12/2016 21:01

Please tell me what you would do in my situation. I will try to be brief but will probably fail. DH have only been married two years but have been together much longer. I always worked away, so we didn't properly move in together until we were married. I took a year's maternity then went back to work (a little unexpectedly; for a long time I really wanted to jack it in) and DH took over as full-time parent. He is great with DS. I think. (I do sometimes think they don't get enough fresh air and I'm not sure nappies are a particular priority, but DS is happy). The problem is that I feel like I've fallen out of love, and I don't know if it is because I am simply tired from working or if I am just seeing a different side to him. I work 5 days a week as that is the only option in my line of work. I do a lot of the housework. DH is very messy and just doesn't see how mess builds up. He is not big on shaving and sometimes not so great on washing. In the past year I have lost 3 stone and there is nothing wrong with me (to put it in perspective I put on 2 stone with the baby) - I just hardly ever sit down as there is always washing/ironing etc and my job is also very physical. I would like to have a cleaner but he is dead-set against it. He is also dead-set against having a babysitter, so we never go out (really never). This isn't a massive deal to me as I am not particularly into restaurants etc, but I would like us to dress up and go out occasionally. As I write this I honestly can't tell if things are bad, or just indifferent, and most peoples' marriages are like this. I also organise our finances and do all our bill-paying. A couple of nights this week I have woken up with pins and needles in my arms and I've thought I'm having a heart attack (obviously I am not, it's just that I think I am operating at a fairly high level of stress). Is this just what marriage is like? I am not sure if I am just a selfish person who wants to cut and run or if it should not be like this.

OP posts:
Softkitty2 · 15/12/2016 21:07

This early on it seems you are already stuck in a rut. You are the one cleaning and bringing home the household income so shouldn't you be the one deciding whether you get a cleaner or not?

I think you should have a good talk with your husband about what you expect to be done when he is at home. Ask if roles were reversed how would he feel?
About your husbands hygiene that is a tricky one because he will immediately get defensive about it but poot hygiene is a passion killer.

luckylucky24 · 15/12/2016 21:07

Sounds crap to me. If he is at home he should be doing housework. Yes he is parenting but I have been home with two preschoolers today and have done the washing, cleaned the kitchen and the hallway and cooked tea for when DH got home. It can be done.

Wolfiefan · 15/12/2016 21:09

They don't go out much.
Nappies aren't being changed.
He's not looking after his personal hygiene.
Housework isn't being done.
Is he lazy or maybe some depression?

wizzywig · 15/12/2016 21:11

nah that aint right. has he always been a homebody?

Softkitty2 · 15/12/2016 21:11

And no this is not what a marriage should be like. My husband and I at the start of our marriage loved cozy nights in with candles, wine and a good film; weekends away, doing things we both have never done, day trips; during the work week, we both work FT but I would come home to dinner on the table, house tidied as much as he could, talk about our day, bathe together..
Marriage is hardwork and should be worked on.With children more so.

Original poster
schrodcat · 15/12/2016 21:12

I know. It isn't great. The only thing is that I feel I was pretty useless for the first few months of maternity leave as DS was what is apparently known as 'high-needs' (i.e. cried non-stop unless held - totally different boy now) and it has only been six months or so of DH being SAHD. The problem is that I feel we're on borrowed time now. He was so resistant to doing household chores, and I had to really ramp up the pressure on that issue, so that now that he will just do things like take the bins out without being asked to it doesn't even please me; I feel like I had to jump up and down for such little, normal things that I've got no fight left in me now. Also, I feel guilty that work is actually really fun for me. It is not strictly speaking a 'fun' job, but I have great colleages who are basically friends. If I couldn't escape there I am not sure how I would feel. Christmas will be telling.

OP posts:
Original poster
schrodcat · 15/12/2016 21:14

He is very easy on himself. Yes, to the point of laziness. And I think being lazy has contributed to him being depressed as he never really got his career off the ground. That's why I swapped with him, really, so that he could have an opportunity to work out a new direction in life. But I have this horrible feeling he has no intention of really working again.

OP posts:
NiceFalafels · 15/12/2016 21:22

Have you told DH that you are finding it stressful?

Together write all the chores/jobs out and then devide them. Split it so you have clear set jobs. For example

DH
Mopping Hoovering sweeping all floors
Putting toys away throughout house
Decluttering. Chucking unused toys/clothes
Clothes washing/drying/putting away
Cleaning bathroom

You
Cooking/washing up/unloading dishwasher
Paperwork
Meal planning
Food shopping

NiceFalafels · 15/12/2016 21:25

You need to have a thorough conversation with him.

Original poster
schrodcat · 15/12/2016 21:27

Oh dear. I think I know where I am going wrong... The only one he does from the list above is food shopping, and he often buys such random things like a bag of custard donuts but (say) no loo roll. So then we go again on Sunday morning so I can do it properly! He also shops at Tesco, which drives me mental as it is so expensive, because he finds Aldi 'depressing'. How have I let things get like this... Oh well, I am going to go to bed now and will begin my campaign for equal household treatment tomorrow x

OP posts:
wishparry · 15/12/2016 21:28

This is so wrong.
I am a SAHM,and while my dp goes to work I look after 2 dc's (which means taking them out daily even if it's just to the park or to a friends for a play date)I normally do two washing loads every day,sometimes three.I clean the kitchen twice a day.do the dishes as I go.normally hoover downstairs every day (when needed,but that's normally every day or every other day).make a home cooked meal every day.go shopping twice a week.write invoices for my dp and get them sent off daily.clean up toys after my dvd have finished playing with them etc.
I think you need to tell your th exactly what you expect him to get done in a day,and if he can't do it,then you are getting a cleaner,end of.
you must be run ragged.I couldn't imagine working full time,then coming home the "second job" of managing all the housekeeping.

Cynara · 15/12/2016 21:29

I work FT, DP is PT and so does most of the childcare for DC. Whilst he's at home, he shops; cooks; does laundry; cleans the house; does general household admin like bill paying etc. When I'm off I meal-plan and cook, but do very little else because he's got it covered. If your DH is at home, he really needs to be stepping up. The fact that you work FT when he doesn't should automatically mean that he picks up the slack so you have an equal amount of free time. You're a team, you should be contributing equally.

NiceFalafels · 15/12/2016 21:56

I'm a SAHM at the moment. DH works long days. On working days I sort the house and food. He drys up, baths the kids and we put them to bed together. He does paperwork during lunch breaks. At weekends everything is split 50/50. It works out we have the same amount of rest time and working time.

ferriswheel · 15/12/2016 22:02

Feel free to pm me.

I'm getting divorced. A whole different bunch of problems but essentially I am unmet in most aspects of my relationship. It is, and I'm sure for a while, horrible but there is compromise and losing yourself. If you can't enjoy your own internal standards then it's no good.

Work shouldn't be better than home.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 15/12/2016 22:04

No this isn't at all what a healthy marriage shoukd look like & certainly not this early on Hmm
He sounds like one lazy fucker, you work full time & also all the housework & he basically does childcare for 1 child & fuck all else. He needs to pull his finger out or get back to work.

user1470997562 · 15/12/2016 22:31

I think it sounds normal with a small first dc actually. Our lives were pretty much like that. It got easier as dc got older.

A lot depends on how demanding that dc is. Mine wouldn't sleep or eat - so it could take hours just getting one meal into them, or getting them to sleep. I rarely slept. I couldn't even have a pee on my own. So no, not much housework got done in the first couple of years. It was depressing and lonely and relentless.

I'm so grateful I had a dh who never complained, just helped. Because sometimes when he came home I was at my wits end. And yes the house was a mess, I might have something for dinner in, or I might not. But he would bath and put to bed so that I could have at least a couple of hours of not being attached to a small dc that wanted things from me constantly.

I then took a Saturday job. 12 hours as an HCA, on my feet the whole time. That was a hell of a lot easier than being at home with my baby. Dh took charge for Saturday of child care. I'd come home to mayhem. But he understood what it is like.

Yes you can have a pristine home with cookies baked with an 8 year old and a 10 year old dc. With a baby - it depends. Some need much more than others. Life isn't easy with dc. It's hard. There is no situation where it's easy. So to some extent I think you're imagining something that doesn't really exist.

FATEdestiny · 15/12/2016 22:54

"He is very easy on himself. Yes, to the point of laziness."

" I think I am operating at a fairly high level of stress:

Just a cautionary note. My DH had a period of high level stress (about 6m after the birth of our youngest, he had similar physical symptoms to those you mention).

It was so hard on me to deal with. I'm SAHM, parent with a tiny baby and older children and dealing with a very mentally unwell husband.

The most effective way I found to manage my own mental health through this was to be, frankly, lazy. If I hadn't have slowed down, lowered my expectations and pace, I would not have coped with my DHs stress levels and the effects they had on our family (most of which he didn't realise).

The two sentences I have quoted could be directly linked.

NiceFalafels · 16/12/2016 06:10

If you do have a high needs baby it does make chores more difficult. However if he can tidy up immediately after himself as he goes, that's one huge achievement.

What's happening in the evening while you're rushing round? What's he doing? Because you should be stopping at the same time.

NiceFalafels · 16/12/2016 06:17

It's all coming back to me now. With a 6 month old DH used to come home and have to help out slightly more. I was so exhausted with sleep deprivation. But by a year I was completely on top of things. However I'm dyslexic and was cluttered and disorganised with chores initially. It was just a case or working on my organisation skills and getting better sleep and putting high needs baby in a sling while hoovering or doing clothes washing

Dozer · 16/12/2016 06:20

Sounds rubbish.

Should you break up he might well end up with more custody of the DC and you paying maintenance. For legal reasons you might want to ask him to get a job, and put DC into paid childcare some days.

Konyaa · 16/12/2016 06:52

bringing home the household income so shouldn't you be the one deciding whether you get a cleaner or not?

I think you need a cleaner OP. But This logic - if turned the other way around .......

Northernparent68 · 16/12/2016 06:58

When a thread concerns a stay at home mother most posters say the sahm 's job is childcare not chores

jeaux90 · 16/12/2016 07:00

Northern I was a bit Hmmat some of this too.

Softkitty2 · 16/12/2016 07:21

konyaa you conveniently taken what i said out of context.. I explicitly said since she did the cleaning anyway plus etc etc.. She should decide hiring a cleaner. And yes i would say the same if it was the other way around.

lasttimeround · 16/12/2016 07:22

I think it really depends on how much work your child is. You said he was a high needs baby. If he's still harder than average it can justifiably be hard to get much done around the house. However some tidying cleaning and a meal are generally possible if you are organised. Meal as something easy. Cleaning organising as you go.

But I think the way to tackle it is to say you can't manage the household stuff on top of your job and shouldn't have to. And come up with a plan and a budget of how you will manage as a household. Which might also make him rethink the tesco aldi thing.

It's annoying that sl most every woman would probably be feeling bad at night managing the home better while some men seem to think that childcare deserves a gold star and no housework. Bah