What sort of marriage does this look like to you?

[schrodcat]

Please tell me what you would do in my situation. I will try to be brief but will probably fail. DH have only been married two years but have been together much longer. I always worked away, so we didn't properly move in together until we were married. I took a year's maternity then went back to work (a little unexpectedly; for a long time I really wanted to jack it in) and DH took over as full-time parent. He is great with DS. I think. (I do sometimes think they don't get enough fresh air and I'm not sure nappies are a particular priority, but DS is happy). The problem is that I feel like I've fallen out of love, and I don't know if it is because I am simply tired from working or if I am just seeing a different side to him. I work 5 days a week as that is the only option in my line of work. I do a lot of the housework. DH is very messy and just doesn't see how mess builds up. He is not big on shaving and sometimes not so great on washing. In the past year I have lost 3 stone and there is nothing wrong with me (to put it in perspective I put on 2 stone with the baby) - I just hardly ever sit down as there is always washing/ironing etc and my job is also very physical. I would like to have a cleaner but he is dead-set against it. He is also dead-set against having a babysitter, so we never go out (really never). This isn't a massive deal to me as I am not particularly into restaurants etc, but I would like us to dress up and go out occasionally. As I write this I honestly can't tell if things are bad, or just indifferent, and most peoples' marriages are like this. I also organise our finances and do all our bill-paying. A couple of nights this week I have woken up with pins and needles in my arms and I've thought I'm having a heart attack (obviously I am not, it's just that I think I am operating at a fairly high level of stress). Is this just what marriage is like? I am not sure if I am just a selfish person who wants to cut and run or if it should not be like this.

actually, I suppose that is how I feel - I want DS to be happy as the main priority, so chores can wait till he is asleep. But he does now take a long nap during the day. In the evenings, DH is quite happy on the sofa.

Yes the stay at home parents primary job is childcare and the house is never going to be pristine and meals are going to be quick, but the balance here is all wrong.
The sahp should be doing some of the chores when the other comes home then.
dh goes shopping but buys random things so op has to go and do shopping on the weekend doesn't sound fair either.

Either your Dh is depressed and needs to be checked out by the gp or he's lazy.

Your symptoms sound really worrying. I also don't get his reluctance to get stuff done. The more they get done in the week the more time the 3 of you have for fun on the weekend.

When he sits on he sofa, you sit on the sofa you stop at the same time.

Lots of good advice above on redressing the balance. I don't think he should be dictating whether you get a cleaner or babysitter, this should be a joint decision.

Your 'heart attack' feeling sounds to me like panic attacks, a result of anxiety. Please don't ignore your mental health in all this. I would look these up online or speak to your GP, as they can be overcome once you see them for what they are. (They're horrible! But not dangerous).

You sound a little unsympathetic and detached. I was the one looking after toddlers and it was incredibly hard work. My husband did all the cooking and the house was ok but certainly going out was often met with huge tantrums by said toddlers.

I also find aldi depressing and never shop there. Sorry.

Your husband might be struggling, maybe he needs a sympathetic ear rather than pressure to do things? I know it's hard, but living in a tip now and then isn't the end of the world when kids are very small.

I do wonder if some of these replies would be different if the gender roles were reversed. When SAHM talk on here about not managing housework and shopping etc there is generally a lot of sympathy and support.

I don't mean a pristine house but I think during naps you can tidy a bit and sort out toilets etc. As well as a quick sit down. Also shopping with toddlers counts as an activity. So you can plan meals snd do an organised big shop during the week which is quite fun to do but a bit more depressing if you do it on the weekend.

Ah Christmaswreaths - cross-posted with you!

There is sympathy when a sahm is struggling because usually she's trying to juggle and manage the home and the dc and is often overwhelmed, but in this situation, it seems the dh isnt doing the minimum.
He's not even changing nappies regularly or taking the baby out much.

I see what you mean - and yes the nappy/getting out thing doesn't sound right - but i think the question should be why, not a default to 'he's lazy & a crap dad'

How long is his lunchtime nap? Yes he should have breaks like you do but then utilise any extra free time

I've been where you are and have DH a pass because I'm lazy myself and hate housework.

But now we're a term into the three children being at school full time so he has from 930-230 to do whatever needs doing, yet all he manages day to day is laundry, cooking dinner, and occasionally reloading the dishwasher. I don't see why I should have to tell him to hoover or change the beds - surely he can tell things need cleaning?

In the new year we're going to sit down and make lists. Either he gets a part time job or he properly takes responsibility for the house. I can't take the mess anymore.

Sorry for the hijack OP I guess it's bothering me a lot more than I realised!

He's dossing around at your expense OP....and at the expense of your dc wellbeing.

He has NO EXCUSE for not keeping up with nappy changes, or for not taking dc out for air.
If he isn't even doing the basic housework that is expected of a SAHP, on top of everything else - what exactly is he doing whilst you're out of the house?

He needs to take responsibility for the rut/depression he's in and start making proactive changes.
He can always get a job - pt or ft.
He could use this time to study/retrain.

He isn't doing what a SAHP does and his attitude stinks.
Tell him it's time to swap and he can go out to work.
That underlying resentment he feels towards you 'succeeding' where he 'failed' is very apparent...he's not going to clean etc, you're not allowed any outside help either. YOU have to do it ALL.
Basically he's deliberately making your life difficult as some sort of 'punishment'.

I may be out on the limb here but I hope there is no other bloke showing interest in you.