Open relationships who has tried them, how did they work?

[HarmlessChap]

A bit of background. DW has a problem with affection and intimacy, as in its not important to her. Not just sex but no kissing, hugs, hand holding, unprompted words of love etc. etc. Its just how she is. She was never that lovey dovey but in the last decade its got progressively worse and she believes that its just how people are when they go through from their mid 30's to mid 40's.

Feeling totally rejected I had a bit of a breakdown early this year and brought it to a head eventually, after a 2 year absence, we DTD some weeks later and have repeated it twice albeit the last time was over 6 months ago.

No effort is made on her behalf to address the problem she admits to having, despite her knowing how it makes me feel and eventually 3 months ago I simply gave up being the source of affection as I was thoroughly exhausting it being a one way street and I'm fed up with getting my hopes up only to be disappointed time and again.

I can't carry on this way and don't think its unreasonable to expect a little tenderness in a relationship. I do however love her, I love us being a family and I think she does kind of love me but more as a best friend than husband. Half of me wants to leave and find a "real" relationship but I fear how it would affect my relationship with my children if I did and I really don't want to hurt my wife; when we last discussed it she didn't want me to leave and was entirely happy with the relationship.

I wonder if an open relationship might be a way forward, some way for me to get some of the affection I crave but not destroy the family unit. I have no idea how such a suggestion would be met, and I see various potential problems, but I wonder if any people on here have tried one and if so how did it work out?

I appreciate that it may sound like I'm trying to have my cake and eat it and I guess to some extent I am but I don't think the situation I'm in is fair either. One question I have asked myself an don't know the answer is how I would feel if we had an OR and she met someone she did want to show affection to, but I guess that would put our current relationship into context.

The only way an OR could work is if you are both agreeable to it, yet you express concern that you're not sure you could handle it if your wife actually seemed to be enjoying her other relationship. I don't get that. You sound as if you're trying to justify a bit of sex on the side. So unfair for your DW. If you're not happy, have told her so and she doesn't want to /can't change, leave! For the sake of your MH if nothing else FFS.

Its not quite that simple though. Its not just leaving my wife its leaving the family unit and I'm a very hands on dad.

If I leave I know the kids will see me as the villain and will want to stay with their mum. Financially, in order to keep a roof over their heads, I'll not be able to afford anything bigger than a 1 bed flat, so the whole co-parenting thing couldn't include the kids staying with me.

So I'd go from being involved day in, day out, to as and when and what works. My youngest will be off to Uni in 4 years so I'm really looking at how to cope until then.

Well you can't have it all without being a selfish, unfaithful shit (if she doesn't agree, sorry, harsh but true), so it's either that or suck it up for the next four years. And be honest so your wife knows exactly what you're planning. Otherwise, I imagine it would be quite devastating to come out of the blue just as her youngest leaves home. If your MH is suffering now, I have no idea how you will cope for four years. I assume you use porn and it's not enough for you. Good luck, but by the sounds of it unless you put all this energy you've used contemplating extramarital sex into improving your marriage, I fully expect you will have an OW on the go before the four years is up.

Your marriage sounds depressing, your wife may say she's happy but you're certainly not. If she's not going to change you should divorce, the last thing your children will need is secrets being kept between you two and you know dc will pick up if you're not happy . Has she discussed her lack of sex drive / affection with her GP?

There was this article in this Saturday's Guardian Weekend magazine. If you're serious about an open relationship, read the books mentioned in it.

But I don't think an open relationship is what you want, and I don't think it would work in your current situation, because communication is paramount, and if you were communicating well and responding to each other's needs and resolving problems together, you wouldn'the be here asking.

If you were to split up, does it have to be you who leaves? Can you really be sure you would be seen as the villain and the children would side with her?

I often wonder with OR what the new people added to the equasion feel, I mean are they one night stands or proper relationships and do they feel used knowing the other person has an important relationship/connection with someone else...genuinely interested as how can you know you wont fall in love and want to end the OR or the person you meet wont invest too heavily and want you for herself?

Wanting sex and affection doesn't make you selfish namechange and nor does expecting these things from your spouse, frankly. Only a truly delusional wife/ husband would withhold both and then be surprised when their other half walks one day. I expect the Op' s wife finds the current arrangement financially convenient. That doesn't mean the OP has to lump it.

That's not what I said BarbarianMum. You don't know why the DW is happy with the relationship as stated. The OP has not said this, has he? He was the one who brought up the fact that he would be reluctant to split up because it would be less financially viable. No, he doesn't have to lump it if he's not happy. Which I have clearly stated in previous posts. But if he hasn't clearly stated his mindset and intentions to his wife, it IS pretty selfish to expect her to be happy with him shagging someone else, while he is unhappy if she did the same in this 'OR'.

Well I couldn't live like that and I don't think you should either.

Marriage is about compromise and if she's not prepared to meet you half way then it's time to call it a day.

I'd have no faith in an open relationship. Much, much better to be in a relationship with someone who wants you for you and is happy to get between the sheets with you, hold hands on long walks, snuggle up on the sofa and watch movies.

I thought your children were only small but they aren't and will be flying the nest soon enough so plenty of opportunity to talk to them about it and do it properly, rather than sneaking about getting a girlfriend and then being a liar and cheat into the bargain.

My dd would have forgiven her father if he'd gone about it honestly. I might have intime...even though he did get lots of love and affection and everything else in between.

Sometimes you've got to take something apart before you can rebuild it in a better way. Unfortunately most unhappy people in a relationship just take a hammer to it and smash it to smithereens and then too much damage is done.

End your marriage. Move out. Be honest with everyone . ( relate will also help people who want to leave their marriage). Be fair with your family and hopefully you will get the happiness and you crave and still keep the respect of your children.

namechange what a ridiculous post. How the hell is he selfish for wanting sex.

Op, what your wife is saying about libido dropping in 30's/40's is astounding and not true. Many women experience a surge in libido around late 30's. I know I did, and it's still going strong at 47. Without regular sex, I for one, would go round the bend. Thankfully DH feels the same!

BUT.....I don't think you can make an OR work. The thing is, even if you met a like minded lady on-line, you would need to be in regular contact with her, to keep the momentum going. Even casual relationships require a bit of work, or they just fizzle out. Are you up for regular texting/sexting/flirting between meet ups? Also, I think it would be impossible to have regular satisfying sex with someone and not start to develop feelings. Even if you think you can, the woman may not be able to do so.

I suppose you could have ONS, but in my experience (many years ago), they were never satisfying, just a bit awkward as you didn't know each other well enough and there was no emotional connection.

Personally in your shoes, I would probably meet like minded women on-line. But like I say, just be aware there will have to be more to the relationship that simple meet ups, you will have to keep the spark alive in between. You may fall for someone. You may not, but even then I think you'll realise what you are missing.

And it all leads to one conclusion - you leaving your DW.

Huskylover, ridiculous post? If you read my posts properly you would see I did not say he was selfish for wanting sex. I said he was selfish for wanting a bit on the side if he hadn't explained how he felt about it and the possible consequences to his wife, and just went ahead with the OR anyway. I also think (without reading back, and paraphrasing ) that I wished him well in leaving the relationship if that was what he needed to do. I'm not the only one advocating an honest departure from the relationship if he has been honest with his wife and needs to leave for sex over the next five years.
From your post above you seem to be advocating cultivating an extramarital relationship online under OPs circumstances. Lovely. Should he be keeping this a secret from his wife? I think we will have to agree to disagree on what constitutes a ridiculous post.

From your post above you seem to be advocating cultivating an extramarital relationship online under OPs circumstances. Lovely. Should he be keeping this a secret from his wife?

Yep. She's not really being a wife, is she? More like a flat mate. So yeh, I'd seek out sex elsewhere in the Ops shoes. It's not ideal. But he can't be expected to live like a monk.

I also suspect it wouldn't work if she does not want another relationship right now, and if you are actually looking for love, not just sex. The first time I was in a loving relationship again it blew me away; during the bad times I'd forgotten what it was like to fancy the pants off someone and have a fluttery feeling whenever you were due to meet. That would have been a disaster if I'd still been with my husband. Better to end it nicely with your wife so that you can be friendly coparents.

Do you think your wife wants to be with you as she is happy, or as she is afraid of the alternative? Maybe if you sit down and examine how it would work out practically it would be less scary.

I didn't much feel like cuddling or kissing my ex towards the end for various reasons - in a nutshell he wanted physical comfort but would not give me mental support. I'd started to think I didn't even like cuddling and kissing that much, and was surprised to find in a new relationship that actually it was still great. Your wife might also discover that this is not just her age or the way she is; maybe the relationship is just dying a death.

On that note, if you give the impression that you want to break up due to her being cold and not a proper wife, that will just make her more resistant to separation - who wants that to be the reason for breaking up? If you can show her that your relationship might be sucking the life out of both of you - that the relationship is no longer working - she might find that more persuasive as a reason to break up.

Thanks for the replies, they've been (mostly) helpful and really confirmed that an OR idea isn't a way forward here.

I guess that I shall just have to put up for the time being. I still can't bring myself to up and leave, ultimately its just too scary to contemplate. It's is the fear that I'll end up alone and even more lonely than I already feel, the fear of alienating my children and ruining my relationship with them and the fear that I'll end up destitute.

@Namechange I assume you use porn and it's not enough for you. Porn doesn't hug you or kiss you or hold you, its simply about emptying your balls, the sex isn't the major part of the equation here.

How old are the kids? Old enough to understand that a clean break is better than a messy one? Why do you think that a divorce would leave you destitute? Sometimes things are only scary when you don't contemplate them - when you actually go through the practicalities they turn out to be not as bad as you would think.

Unfortunately this fear of being alone is what often ends up with people not finishing one relationship before they start the next. And that really does jeopardise their relationship with their children.

Personally I am a lot less lonely than I felt when I was with my ex. And I've learned not to measure things by how I will "end up". Life is not a fairy tale with a nice neat forever after. Even if I have a great partner that doesn't mean I have "ended up" with a great partner; everything could change tomorrow. You can be happily married for 50 years then "end up" alone in a care home ... in which case what counts is those 50 happy years, surely?

Destitute as we currently scrape by but without any surplus so I can't see how we would manage to fund 2 households.

Oh and the kids are teenagers and always take their mother's side in any disagreement.

OP, I take your point about the use of porn being totally unrelated to affection, which you are craving, and agree. Apologies if my posts have sounded aggressive, I expect a lot of us posting in relationships have our own personal difficulties playing out , and (at least from my perspective) this probably influences the content of posts!

I hope you find a way ahead for the next few years, sorry I have no good ideas apart from being totally honest with your wife and telling her exactly how you feel. Maybe if she knew what was at stake she may make a greater effort, which then would become more the norm. FWIW I think you have made the morally decent decision with your last post. Good luck, I hope you find happiness.

Sounds like disagreements with the kids and mum against you are not that uncommon? That does sound lonely. Do you have many/any mates to relax with or talk to? Might be worth working on.

If you did manage to persuade her that separating was a good idea, making it a joint decision, obviously that would help. If communication is poor, how about some therapy - perhaps alone first, so that you can work out your own feelings and what you want? And work on communicating with the kids, too. Do you do much alone with them?

Do you do much alone with your wife either? Perhaps you could go back to basics and ask her out for a nice meal, get her drunk give her a thoughtful gift and see if you can get a more productive conversation going? Just step back from the whole kissing, cuddling issue and go back to basic friendliness??

If you reduced the size of your household(s) would you have a bit spare?

I used to do stuff with the kids but as they've grown older they would rather go off with their friends.

I have a decent circle of friends but none are particularly close.

We have tried date nights, allocating time to spend with each other alone and a shared interest but she got fed up with them and they fizzled out. I think more because she won't accept that what we have isn't normal, so doesn't think it should change.

They never work. Someone is always just going along with it not to lose the other person. They get hurt. Badly. It either descends into twisted games or they break up.

I cannot think that if you think intimacy is part of love, which I do too, that you won't find someone else to fall in love with.

Just divorce. You want very fundamentally different things.

An open relationship is not going to fill the need you are craving, not unless it turns into a full-blown affair. You want more than just sex, meeting up with another woman for sex isn't going to work for you.

I really do feel for you. It's not fair to do this to you. She is showing a complete lack of commitment to your marriage and she is wrong to say that this is normal.

I wish I could offer a better idea but I don't think there is one.

Mine do a lot with their friends too, but I think they do appreciate it when you dedicate a bit of time to them, however cheesy and embarrassing they find you. Funnily enough my ex now spends a lot more quality time with the kids than he did before we split up, as now he doesn't see them every day he finds the time to take them out to do stuff they actually enjoy - mostly eating frozen yoghurt by the sound of it, but also sports with our son, bowling, the cinema etc. Before, he'd just go along with stuff I suggested then sit there looking bored :)

I am in an open relationship - which I instigated due to what I thought at the time, was a desire for sex, passion, affection.
Fast forward 9 months, I am in a world of pain, in love with the man I'm seeing and struggling hugely with the emotional conflict.
I think if you already know you are seeking affection, it is almost certain, in my humble opinion, that you will develop an emotional attachement to someone you meet for sex.
Be careful and mindful of what it is you are really looking for - good luck