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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has just left me

48 replies

Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 14:07

That's it really. Partner of 1 year has just left me. Has been pretty full on, living together and thought we loved each other. So had a little niggle last night about something on TV of all things. He recorded me on his mobile and said this morning that I was aggressive, abusive and he had evidence. So I listened to this "evidence" and the worst thing was I said he was being an ass. I am deeply uncomfortable that he recorded all this. His reaction this morning was explosive, aggressive and he was intimidating and demanded that I do not grovel or he will leave I didn't. and so he has, I am feeling pretty sad right now. Just can't understand how someone can declare undying love one day and act like this the next.? Yet another horrible Xmas on the horizon. Only yesterday we were making plans for Xmas and now this.

OP posts:
Potnoodlewilld0 · 15/12/2016 14:09

You had a massive lucky escape.

He will back but don't go there!

Christmasmice · 15/12/2016 14:09

It sounds like you've had a very lucky escape. It might feel utterly shit right now but this is a good thing in a round about way.
Hoping you have a happier year next year. Look after yourself and try and plan some nice treats if you can.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 15/12/2016 14:10

Just look back at what you wrote about his behaviour! Be bloody greatful he shown his true colours early Flowers

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 14:12

Thanks. Xmas always seems to be bad for me. I don't think he will be back as he is very black and white. Am feeling pretty confused and sick right now. We had made so many plans and many good times and now it is all over.

OP posts:
Aedh · 15/12/2016 14:14

Oh Blossom how awful for you.
However Potnoodle and Christmasmice are spot on.
Heed especially Potnoodles first post.

ohfourfoxache · 15/12/2016 14:17

Blossom I'm sorry you're going through this.

But I promise, you will look back on this and breathe a sigh of relief.

xStefx · 15/12/2016 14:21

Lucky escape, he will be back though. And if he comes grovelling tell him that he ever pulls a childish stunt like that again (filming you) youll shove that fone so far up his ass that yes, you will be classed as aggressive! He is a cock hun xx

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 14:23

I don't know what to feel right now. I was scared this morning and he got really angry with me because I flinched a few times. He has assured me that he would never hit a woman but he seemed to losing it.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 15/12/2016 14:27

Please don't take him back when he comes crawling. He sounds like an emotional abusive bully and would probably turn to physical abuse when things don't go his way.

Has he got keys to get back in?

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 14:40

He has taken everything. I was willing to listen to the recording as he was very convincing I am totally out of order and guess he still believes that. Maybe it is me. I am a bit all over the place right now.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2016 14:47

Sit down and breath.
This isn't nice.
He was very abusive towards you this morning.
The person this morning is who he is.
You will be thankful one day that he has gone.
But right now just give yourself some time.
Get out and about with friends.
Keep busy.
Think about what you need to do now.
i.e. inform council you are a single adult and your council tax goes down 25%
Inform people about Christmas if you were planning to go places together.
So sorry this has happened but at least you now know he can be an abusive dick-head and you are better off without him.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 14:53

Thanks all. I will be ok I know have been through this before. I am, just struggling to understand why he has acted like this. We were supposed to be having a lovely family Xmas. He was only telling me yesterday how much he loves me and then this. I really don't get it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 14:59

How could he suddenly record you and you didn't know? If you were only telling him he was an ass and it was just a little niggle yet he thinks you were being aggressive and abusive and wanted to show you yourself?

I think there is some communication issue here, he thinks what you did was very bad, bad enough he wished to record it and show you and leave over it, you feel it was just a little little Niggle and you did nothing worse than call him an ass. Either hes overly sensitive or looking for a out or you are minimising your own behaviour.

Either way, I don't see how the relationship can work, if you have such different views on one event.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 15:03

He put the phone on the sofa behind me. He has stormed of once and then came back and recorded, I called him ass for stalking off. There was a lot of dead air. This is not the first time he has lost his temper and there is no calming him down.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2016 15:39

This is not the first time he has lost his temper and there is no calming him down
Take heed of this!
He's already shown you who he is.
i.e. not nice when he doesn't want to be.
Don't make the same mistake as last time by taking him back.

Just remember this:-
explosive, aggressive and he was intimidating and demanded

gamerchick · 15/12/2016 15:43

I'd hazard a guess that when he's had the Christmas he had really planned he'll be back in Jan.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/12/2016 15:49

I had one of these OP who did the same just before Christmas. He disappeared too - with another woman on a planned trip. He came grovelling back in the New Year.
He was a twat, as is your ex. Don't take him back. This will just be the top of the iceberg if you do.

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 15:50

gamerchick I think he has not thought this through, His children were due to come here, so all plans will now have to be changed.

OP posts:
vonny81 · 15/12/2016 20:33

Have a look on Google play books. Read- why does he do that, I think it's by lindy bancroft. it should let you read some for free.
His behaviour is all part of the control cycle of behaviour, he's punishing you so you act how he wants, you're not allowed a say in anything, no opinion or he calls it abuse. I was very much in a relationship like yours. He left me for the umpteenth time and every time he has dumped me I always think it's ww199 and that's it for good yet he always came back! This time I actually think that's it now, he's gone to solicitors about our son! I've thought it's been it every time tho so I could still be wrong!

OntheAir · 15/12/2016 22:36

Lucky escape. Fuck spending Christmas with that cock, let alone another year.

Lilacpink40 · 15/12/2016 22:41

You will need to grieve the loss, but take time to consider opportunities too - you decide what you want to do for Christmas now. Flowers

ijustwannadance · 15/12/2016 22:50

I had one of those. Looking for 'evidence' of me being the bad guy.
He was cheating and trying to find an excuse to leave that was my fault so he wouldn't be caught out.

Can't believe the cheeky shit called you abusive and aggressive yet it's ok for him to be those things with you? Getting angry because you flinched in fear is conditioning you to behave the way he wants you to. So that when he does eventually hit you it will be your fault for making him do it.

He has honestly given you the best xmas present ever by fucking off out of your life.

Lilacpink40 · 15/12/2016 23:01

Grin this is true

"the best xmas present ever by fucking off out of your life."

Original poster
Blossomflowers · 16/12/2016 10:28

I am feeling very anxious, constant butterflys and not nice ones. I had a couple of text's last night first saying he is sorry he pushed me and the other saying he wants to come home. I just don't know what to say. He show no remorse, no apology. I am pretty sure he will think he is justified in his actions.

OP posts:
mumonashoestring · 16/12/2016 10:34

Take a look back through your posts - very black and white, rapidly escalating temper, can't be calmed, manages to convince you you're in the wrong, storms off and sulks... He can think he's justified all he likes but that doesn't mean you have to. His behaviour was unacceptable - not apologising is just setting you up for a future of putting up with whatever shitty behaviour he decides to throw at you. That anxious feeling? He put it there - get rid of him, get rid of it.

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