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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner has just left me

48 replies

Blossomflowers · 15/12/2016 14:07

That's it really. Partner of 1 year has just left me. Has been pretty full on, living together and thought we loved each other. So had a little niggle last night about something on TV of all things. He recorded me on his mobile and said this morning that I was aggressive, abusive and he had evidence. So I listened to this "evidence" and the worst thing was I said he was being an ass. I am deeply uncomfortable that he recorded all this. His reaction this morning was explosive, aggressive and he was intimidating and demanded that I do not grovel or he will leave I didn't. and so he has, I am feeling pretty sad right now. Just can't understand how someone can declare undying love one day and act like this the next.? Yet another horrible Xmas on the horizon. Only yesterday we were making plans for Xmas and now this.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 16/12/2016 10:34

Say you need time to think about what's happened so could he refrain from contacting you until after Christmas

That will show his true colours

If it's a control thing he will then text again

If it's not then he will respect you and do as you ask

Bogeyface · 16/12/2016 10:38

He is laying down the groundwork for a full on abusive relationship. This is the first step. You will be so grateful that he deigned to come back that you will walk on eggshells to not upset him again.......

Ignore the texts and consider it a lucky escape.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2016 10:40

You say 'Fuck off, you sick wierdo. I don't want you back'
Then block, ignore and delete.
I have a horrible feeling though that you will take him back - AGAIN!!!!
and AGAIN and AGAIN!!!!
Don't do it to yourself.
This is your chance to break-free.
Take it with both hands and get your life back on track.

ohfourfoxache · 16/12/2016 10:49

You tell him to do one.

You're only a year into this relationship, if he's behaving like this now it will only get worse

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2016 10:50

Reply saying you're not interested in his apologies, you now see him for what he is and you want nothing to do with him anymore. The relationship is over.

Then block him.

Bogeyface · 16/12/2016 10:52

Keep any texts or emails he sends, especially any that admit to abusive behaviour, just in case.....

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 16/12/2016 10:57

Aye that is the thing there is no apology, none zilch. I still can't believe how someone who can be so kind and loving can turn into this raging monster, I am sure I can be a pain in the ass sometimes but his reaction was so over the top.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 16/12/2016 10:58

That tells you all you need to know

happychristmaspoobum · 16/12/2016 11:00

Please don't take him back love.

Reading between the lines you haven't had a lot of luck in relationships? Men like this pick women who are low on self esteem and do all the "Future Faking" to draw you in and make you feel like it's a fabulous fairytale romance. Then, when you're hooked, the mask slips and you get to see the real them.

You're sitting there thinking "I want the old him back." but actually the old him wasn't real - this is him, the abusive wankbadger who deliberately creates tension and fights, is aggressive and abusive and wants you to grovel.

You are so much better off alone. Just send him one text saying "Never contact me again" and move on. He has, as you suspected, realised he wil have problems with his kids over Christmas and that's the only reason he is offering to come back. You are a convenience

Cricrichan · 16/12/2016 11:01

Lucky escape there xx

BarbarianMum · 16/12/2016 11:06

I agree with Bogeyface. He has no intention of leaving - he just wants you scared that he might. That way there will be no more disagreeing with him, or holding him responsible for his own behaviour.

Please, please just block him. He's given you a real gift by walking out. Don't spend the next years of your life wondering which innocuous remark or minor frustration will cause the next outburst.

FantasticButtocks · 16/12/2016 11:13

Oops. He's just realised that he has massively inconvenienced himself by leaving and that he will have to rearrange his children's christmas.

I'd send him a reply along these lines: thank you for showing me who you truly are. I am not interested in a relationship with someone who one day professes to love me, and the next day is making a sneaky recording of me to be used against me. This is not love. If you think it is, good luck in your future relationships.

And then book yourself in somewhere for a better christmas than you would have had with this arsehole.

Kidnapped · 16/12/2016 11:13

"I had a couple of text's last night first saying he is sorry he pushed me and the other saying he wants to come home".

He pushed you?

That alone is Get Rid Immediately, without all the other manipulative stuff.

The whole thing of him creating a row out of nothing, recording it, leaving the house and the relationship was just a means for him to make you so shocked and distraught that you'd welcome him back with opens arms and he would reluctantly 'agree' to come back if you promised to change your ways.

Don't ever let him back.

fourquenelles · 16/12/2016 11:14

I am pretty sure he will think he is justified in his actions.

So what? He can think what he wants. It shouldn't matter one jot to you. Please, please take all the great advice here and block him out of your life. He has done you a massive favour and the fact that it has blown up in his face is HIS problem, not yours.

Original poster

Blossomflowers · 16/12/2016 11:25

kidnapped yes he pushed me and was screaming in my face. Very scary and shocking, he has real anger management problems but most of the time he is awesome.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 16/12/2016 11:33

So he's awesome when he's not abusive and terrifying. Oh well that's all right then. And he's already getting physical.

For God's sake love, think. You should be changing the locks not musing on his sense of humour (or whatever attracted you to him in the first place). Every, single abuser has good points (or pretends they do) otherwise people wouldn't partner up with them.

He has anger issues. He gets physical with you. He over reacts. He blames you for making him angry.

These are not just red flags. These are a signed, sealed declaration of danger.

NoSunNoMoon · 16/12/2016 11:37

You've had a very lucky escape.

Nellyphants · 16/12/2016 11:43

It sounds v controlling that he was supposed to be v angry but he was still measured enough to put the phone on video & put it where you didn't notice it? It sounds to me that he planned the row

Nellyphants · 16/12/2016 11:44

Very much 'see what you made me do'.

BringMeTea · 16/12/2016 11:47

Please do NOT allow him to talk you round OP. He is an abuser. He has shown you that more than once by the sounds of it. Make this break now. Things will only get MUCH worse. You might have a different Christmas to the one you envisaged but that will be done in 2 weeks. Keep him out of your life. He is bad news.

Kidnapped · 16/12/2016 11:52

The more you post, the worse it gets.

He is genuinely horrible. He deliberately manufactured that stupid drama last night so that he then felt justified in pushing you and screaming in your face. That wasn't just a blow-up that came from nowhere. That was planned, calculated in order to put you in your place. Surely you can see that?

I agree that he is dangerous.

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2016 11:53

Sorry OP I meant the "sorry for pushing you" apology. Which is just a crappy apology anyway, and this whole scenario is screaming manipulative bastard who will bully/abuse you, dump you, and then come back expecting you to make all the concessions.

PeppermintPasty · 16/12/2016 11:56

I came on to say something, but Bogeyface has already said it succinctly. He is training you to accept this shit. Fuck him off, don't play his game, normal people don't do this stuff. He wants to see how far he can manipulate you. Good luck.

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