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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My best friend is the OW

75 replies

Jellybean100 · 15/12/2016 12:47

He's married, 2 young children, feeds her a load of lies about how he will leave his wife. They've been seeing eachother for over a year.

I feel awkward any time she mentions his name and it's effecting our friendship even though i try so hard not to be judgemental.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 15/12/2016 18:00

Thing is nobody falls in love on a first date, there would have been a first date when she would have made a consious decision to spend time with a married man. At that point I lose all respect for both parties, they become cheats, liars, untrustworthy and I will not have that in my life.

Yoarchie · 15/12/2016 18:07

It's gross.
However she probably can't see the stupidity of her actions.
I know someone who waited for a married man since she was about 30. She waited for 22 years (sacrificing her desire to have kids), then aged 52 and she got diagnosed with cancer. Well that was no fun for MM so he ditched her immediately.
Even if MM leaves wife, the mess will be colossal.
I don't know why so many women fall for the bullshit that MM spout.
Ooh boo fucking hoo wife is busy with baby and toddler
Were these titheads marched down the aisle at gunpoint? No they proposed to someone they loved of their own free will and got hacked off with the realities of life

heron98 · 15/12/2016 18:10

It's clearly going to end in tears at some point. If I were you I'd just ignore then issue then pick up where you left off when it does.

Good people do bad things. It happens.

Lunar1 · 15/12/2016 18:24

I'd have to ditch her, I couldn't be part of that.

littlejeopardy · 15/12/2016 18:35

Sometimes a good friend is the one who tells you that you are being a tit. Being an OW nearly always ends badly and over time it can develop a person's worse qualities. Selfishness, lying become survival mechanisms and then become a crutch. You do your friend a favour by telling her how you feel.

MistyMeena · 15/12/2016 18:39

I have been in your situation, in fact both parties were married and I knew everyone involved.

I have had to distance myself from friend as although it now appears to be over I find it hard to find to come to terms with the fact they could betray their friend in such a way.

OliviaStabler · 15/12/2016 18:40

I knew an OW but she was a work colleague. She believed 100% that he would leave his wife, she believed it so completely that she would not even contemplate it would not happen. She had 'been with' him for a number of years.

To be honest I felt very sorry for her. It was like she was brain washed.

Suburbopolis · 15/12/2016 18:45

I wouldn't judge her. It's either an avoidant issue (from neglectful parenting) or it's low self-esteem.

I'd feel sorry for her and want better for her but I wouldn't judge her. I don't think other women are evil. I think they are lonely, with low self-esteem, scared of real intimacy....................................

Suburbopolis · 15/12/2016 18:47

ps, if you engage with her and talk to her she is more likely to feel less lonely, less judged and the answers will come to her sooner. I'd guess.

charleyfarleysaunt · 15/12/2016 19:57

A lot of OW don't find out that their 'DP' is already married for some time, by which time they are pretty invested and 'in love' and swallowing the bull sh1t

I'd say a lot of us have made stupid errors when it comes to the men in our lives? Judge an OW who has been suckered, judge the woman who can't/won't leave an EA relationship... yeah let's all get our judgy pants on

However I do judge the bloke - as I would judge a woman in the same situation

And as for the whole texting while visiting thing - that certainly boil my piss!

[PS: For what it's worth... I knew of one OW who was moved into the family home, the wife stayed (v 60's hippy set-up) - then the hubby went out and had another affair (the wife was my mate)]

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 20:12

All I'm saying Soup is it's not always easy to just cut a friend off

I would have no trouble whatsoever cutting off a friend who is having an affair.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 20:16

This person is knowingly helpin destroy the lives of s a woman and he children. I have no sympathy.

Someone like that (obviously along with my wanker of an XH!) helped destroy my life and cause me to give birth and raise my third child alone.

jeaux90 · 15/12/2016 20:19

Suburbpolis that is a load of generalisms. I know quite a few people who have had affairs (been the OM or OW) and they don't suffer from any of those things. Actually it suits a couple of them because they didn't want kids or already had kids and didn't want a full time relationship. Also I know people who had had affairs because they have been in really shit marriages and didn't have the balls to leave. I don't judge any of them. I also know people who have had affairs who married their affair partner and are very happy. Point is I won't live my life by judging others and would always try and be the best friend I could to any one of those in any of the above circumstances.

Newbrummie · 15/12/2016 20:20

You know what I never believe the "she didn't know before she was in love story". Most men are pretty up front about it, my ex was, guys I've met online are either honest or its so obvious it's not funny. They do bloody know they just don't care !

needsahalo · 15/12/2016 20:22

OW usually have crushing self-esteem issues and are making bad decisions because they are stuck in ways of thinking that relate to long-buried trauma

And? You realise that there literally millions of adults out there who fit this description and by far the majority of them don't feel the need to enter long-term relationships with people who are married? Because despite the low self-esteem, are able to recognise that it's not a very nice thing to do and that the impact is far further reaching than just them.

If you feel very strongly then end the relationship with her, but don't go barging in and ending their marriage. He retains that right, not you

the only person who should have any rights in this situation is the wife. Most certainly, the husband doesn't retain any right to making decisions as to what should happen in his marriage. He is having sex with another woman, over a prolonged period. Despite the risk of pregnancy, diesease and god only knows what else, he keeps on doing it. And doing it again. His wife is the only person who gets a say in whether this relationship ends or not. Unfortunately, she is in the dark. As a former wife with an ex in a very long term relationship with the ow, I wish to god one of her friends had let me know. My life would have been much easier.

sleepachu · 15/12/2016 20:38

I don't get that 'risk of disease' argument. Surely it's no more risky than having sex with someone who's had sex with anyone before you.

needsahalo · 15/12/2016 20:48

really? You think it's acceptable to put someone who vowed to love and cherish at risk of contracting who knows what disease? Life-limiting in some cases?

You can have sex with whoever you want to - and take the risks. That's your choice to make. But it isn't the choice of the wife to sleep with the ow and anyone she may have slept with. What protection does she have if she doesn't know?

How old are you? I ask because as someone who grew up in the shadow of AIDS, I get this. I recently had a conversation with an educated adult, but 20 years my junior who had not one clue about how it's spread and why it might be a risk to many, many women.

It is beyond reproach. The risks are very, very real.

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 15/12/2016 20:53

I'd ditch her, no time for women like that.

sleepachu · 15/12/2016 21:00

Yeah, no, it's not that you 'get' anything that I don't. Knowing that AIDS is a bad thing isn't esoteric knowledge. I'm just saying it's no more likely a guy will contract a disease (that he'll then pass to you) in parallel to your relationship than before it.

Newbrummie · 15/12/2016 21:10

I agree the disease thing is fairly unlikely as he doesn't want to get caught so is probably using protection against pregnancy and AIDS etc. However it's not the bleeding point. He's not meant to be doing it at all whilst married

user114114 · 15/12/2016 21:19

You need to tell her to grow up and realise she's the OW - he won't leave his wife and she is just a toy

Any OW or OM should have more self respect for themselves than do that to anyone

I agree stopping being her friend is hard and not always possible but if she respects you she'd stop saying and doing all those things in front of you but you need to tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable

stitchglitched · 15/12/2016 21:24

The risk of disease comes from the fact that the wife presumably believes that she is in a monogomous relationship and so may not be using condoms. They may have previously been tested so she knows he doesn't have anything from before their relationship. She also likely had HIV testing in her pregnancies so has no concerns there. He has introduced a third party into their sex life and she has no knowledge of this, and no chance therefore to protect herself. I wouldn't bet on him being careful with the OW, many aren't. It is bloody horrible that her sexual health is being put at risk and she has no clue.

dementedma · 15/12/2016 21:29

So fucking judgemental on here.
My best friend is that regardless of what she does . We go back 30 years. I don't always agree with her, or she with me, but it's not my place to judge her behaviour. Or ditch her when she is in jeopardy or need.

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 21:35

I've known of men that finally get divorced but don't live with the other woman once their free they move on to the first new young thing they can get!

sleepachu · 15/12/2016 21:50

No, it isn't the point, obv. It's just always struck me as a weird thing to say because someone who's gonna lie to cheat on you could also lie and say they tested clean when you got together. Anyone could.

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