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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My best friend is the OW

75 replies

Jellybean100 · 15/12/2016 12:47

He's married, 2 young children, feeds her a load of lies about how he will leave his wife. They've been seeing eachother for over a year.

I feel awkward any time she mentions his name and it's effecting our friendship even though i try so hard not to be judgemental.

Any advice?

OP posts:

DoubleNegativePanda · 15/12/2016 16:47

My sister was the OW. I made no bones about how while I still loved her and always would she was doing a terrible thing and was being extremely gullible. I told him that either he stopped fucking around with my sisters heart and left his partner to be with her, or he ended it with my sister. I told him this twice and warned him I would be informing his partner if he didn't. He didn't, so I did.

He ended it with my sister, stayed with his partner who forgave him for a while, then left her and married someone else.

Sister was livid with me for a while but now, five years later, thanks me for having gotten her out of it.

JellyBelli · 15/12/2016 16:48

I've broken off friendships for this.

DeepanKrispanEven · 15/12/2016 16:49

Stop biting your tongue about it when talking to her. Ask her whether she really wants to be with a man who is breaking his promises to another woman, and how she thinks she will ever be able to trust him. Point out that if it was really over between this man and his wife, he would have left her by now. And point out that, even if the man does leave his wife and hook up with her, it's a matter of time before his eye starts roving again. The saying that a man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy has an awful lot of truth in it.

LetMeFindAFucktoGive · 15/12/2016 16:50

My sister was the OW. Am with you OP - was horrible.

She is now 47. Finally found a lovely (single) man 2 years ago. Finally has a stable relationship.

Wasted from 30-40 on the arsewipe married man though.

She would have been a fabulous mother. Her decisions and arsewipes bullshit took her opportunities away.

I hear you OP. It is tough. But I loved her so I was there for her when she finally realised.

loobyloo1234 · 15/12/2016 16:51

People on these threads always say 'i couldn't be friends with someone like that' - tired old phrase. What if they've been friends their whole lives and her best friend was having a moment of madness?

Anyway - OP - what is her long term plan for this? Does she see a future with him? Has he told her he is going to leave his wife? Unfortunately, all I think you can do is tell her she should end this before she gets hurt (presuming this cheat's DW doesn't know anything) and be there for her when it inevitably falls apart

Has she done this before?

Serialweightwatcher · 15/12/2016 16:54

He's more to blame than she is - she obviously believes there must be something wrong in his marriage for him to be dabbling elsewhere but we know that's not always the case - she is being taken in by him and she will get badly hurt. I'd feel like telling his wife too - feel sorry for the poor woman

SailingThroughTime · 15/12/2016 16:55

If you no longer like or respect her it's fine to distance yourself from her. If she's been a good friend in the past and this is outside her usual behaviour you could always tell her the truth about why being friends with her at the moment makes you so uncomfortable that you need to step back. Tell her that she's welcome to get in touch if she needs some support in the future.

BlackNo1 · 15/12/2016 16:55

She's such a beautiful girl and she's wasting her time and going to end up hurt. I think if he was going to leave to be with her he would have done so by now

Be a good friend and tell her what you've told us above. I wouldn't know about her being beautiful but everything else in those two sentences is true.

SoupDragon · 15/12/2016 16:56

That would make no difference to me and, if I'd been friends with the person all my life, they would know why.

It might be a "tired old phrase" to you but to me is is fact. A "moment of madness" doesn't last over a year anyway. That is obviously not just a moment.

DeepanKrispanEven · 15/12/2016 17:03

A woman I know was the OW for decades. She put her life on hold for the married man, and accepted his excuses for why he couldn't leave his wife. Until he decided that maybe he could leave his wife after all - to marry someone else. At which point light finally dawned and she ditched him (he still fancied keeping her on the side) but, although she did ultimately marry someone else, it was too late for the children she'd always wanted. Your friend has to think about whether she wants to become that woman.

toomanypetals · 15/12/2016 17:03

An old school friend of mine was seeing a married man.Talked about how amazing the sex was and she showed no empathy to the wife.

I know things aren't black and white but as a married woman with kids, who would be devastated if this happened to me, I couldn't help but feel more distant to her.

Our lives were diverging anyway. I think she'd always been selfish and vain. But this highlighted it. We were all young once, but she hadn't moved on from wanting every man in the room to look at her. A married man, was merely a vehicle for her narcissism I felt.

Of course he was more to blame. Older, the married one. And I did feel for her as well. These things rarely end well do they.

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries · 15/12/2016 17:08

I couldn't be friends with an OW.

loobyloo1234 · 15/12/2016 17:09

All I'm saying Soup is it's not always easy to just cut a friend off. Whatever they have done. It's like when people just tell everyone to LTB knowing full well that rarely happens as quickly as they are told to on MN. Like its an easy thing to do or something

JellyBelli · 15/12/2016 17:10

I couldn't have an affair. I've had the opportunity, I've felt the infatuation and its not the point.
Its ok to not feel close to someone when you find out they have different morals. I dont like people who have affairs, they are untrustworthy.

MrsLupo · 15/12/2016 17:14

Well, if you posted hoping for help in curbing your judgementalism, OP, it couldn't have gone more wrong, could it?

I can't abide the B&W thinking on MN about infidelity generally and OW in particular. It is very easy to judge other people when you haven't bothered to think very deeply about what may be motivating them. IME, OW usually have crushing self-esteem issues and are making bad decisions because they are stuck in ways of thinking that relate to long-buried trauma. Hurrah for anyone on this thread who has no understanding of how that may feel to the person concerned.

There is no need to tolerate the irritating obsessiveness of someone who is caught up in the fascination of an (ultimately) unattainable relationship (rude texting, etc), but if you are really her friend, OP, you will keep your beaky nose out of her pain unless you have something supportive or constructive to say.

And before anyone says I would think differently if it were my DP cheating, I wouldn't. I would blame him, not her.

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2016 17:24

Can you not just practice tolerance? It's a hard when friends are seeing with totally unsuitable partners because you want to shake some sense into them, but that doesn't work and it is one of the times they need you most to just be there.

I've had friends who have been the other woman and friends who have had affairs. They're all hurting in one way or another. Not making the best choices and in need of a non-judgemental ear. I'm not suggesting you validate her choice to see him, just stop treating it as the one thing that's beyond the pale and start empathising with her a little.

Dozer · 15/12/2016 17:30

I wouldn't want to keep as a close friend someone who was seeing someone in a relationship, especially for a whole year: I would doubt their values and consideration for others. If I knew the cheating bloke's partner I would tell them.

jeaux90 · 15/12/2016 17:33

What boom boom said. She's your friend. You are not judge and jury and neither is anyone else.

BratFarrarsPony · 15/12/2016 17:34

. "They're all hurting in one way or another"

not half as much as the ex wife and children will be when they are left unhappy, impoverished and abandoned.

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries · 15/12/2016 17:35

And before anyone says I would think differently if it were my DP cheating, I wouldn't. I would blame him, not her.

I said this. Then I realised that a woman who carries on with a man who has a wife/partner and child is a cunt too. Not as big of a cunt as he is, but still a cunt.

Dozer · 15/12/2016 17:37

Plus, OP isn't mates with the man.

BerylStreep · 15/12/2016 17:39

I would have zero respect for any friend of mine who behaved this way. And the texting, and the lying! She clearly has zero respect for you.

Why are you still friends?

If it was me I would tell her that I couldn't condone her behaviour and I would be taking a step back from the friendship. I have done this in the past (it was the other way round though, she was cheating on her partner and jeopardising her DC's stability).

StiffenedPleat · 15/12/2016 17:41

You sound a bit over-invested in her morality, OP.

Original poster

Jellybean100 · 15/12/2016 17:54

What do you mean by that stiffened?

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/12/2016 17:58

Indeed Brat but you aren't stopping that by ditching the friend.

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