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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So do you try to win someone over romantically? any success stories?

33 replies

janewithacrush · 14/12/2016 23:05

..or just accept the status quo if he's not making any moves?

(I'm not 15, I promise!)

He likes me, is friendly to me, and we have a lot of prolonged eye contact when chatting. Friends on social media so I don't repulse him ha, though there is no chat between us on there, sporadic comments only! I've sort of asked him out once, as in 'a friendly chat about something over coffee', he said he was too busy but that he hopes to see me around again, come and say hi etc. This was a while ago.

Since then there was more eye contact, he always turns his head to look at me even if he's chatting to his friends. We only see each other once a month or so so I can't really build up anything, but I'd love to. If he's not single, why would he encourage all this gazing, instead of looking away politely? It's noticeable socially that there is chemistry between us.

I don't know whether I should make a further fool of myself up my game in some way to get him really interested, send a very blatant message or whatever? or just accept defeat in a passive (or wise) way. I think i"m too polite and care too much what someone will think and it paralyses me. But I'm also a trier - I just don't know how obvious can I be with it.

Do men really know what they want?.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 14/12/2016 23:32

Why does he have to make the first move? Ask him out. At least you'll know.

LemonSqueezy0 · 14/12/2016 23:35

If he wanted to be with you, he would find ways. I don't mean that harshly, just being honest. Watch or read he's just not that into you, it'll change your mindset. Good luck finding the person who moves heaven and earth for you

MinesAGin · 14/12/2016 23:37

Yes, he would find a way - he certainly wouldn't be too busy. Sorry!

Sweets101 · 14/12/2016 23:38

No don't bother. It'Lloyd set the tone of your whole relationship and make you miserable.
If he wants you, he knows where to find you.

blueshoes · 14/12/2016 23:39

Are you sure he is single. Is there any way of discreetly finding out for sure? Do you have a mutual friend who knows him better.

YourOtherLeft · 14/12/2016 23:52

You asked him out, he declined. I'm afraid it really is that simple.

Original poster

janewithacrush · 15/12/2016 00:00

Thanks for replying, each post is useful actually! I need straight-talking as I'm going in cirles. If he wasn't responding to my (estrained) flirting, I'd get it loud and clear, why would he do the head-turning, the eye contact, would a man just tease someone? He's not a macho type though so who knows!
Thanks all, I really must 'not bother' as you say, Sweets.

YourOther, yeah he declined but continued withresponsive body language. See when I'm on receiving end of unwanted attention, I'd never do that, i'd very clearly look away. But you are right, it probably is that simple, it's just he's not a very straight-forward person, or loves his ego being flattered or smth!

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 15/12/2016 00:05

No man who's interested is too busy and if he was he would have asked you for that coffee. He's either in a relationship but fancies you slightly but doesn't wabt to take it further or just thinks you're nice or good looking or something. We don't know but you've already made the first move and he's politely declined.

Original poster

janewithacrush · 15/12/2016 00:11

blue well again, if I was happily attached I wouldn't be responsive with my body language to someone trying it on with me. He seems a decent type but it's possible he just doesn't see flirting as a big deal.

OP posts:

Original poster

janewithacrush · 15/12/2016 00:19

thanks Cri - that's illuminating, I think you've covered all the options. I'd love to know how he sees me, I am relatively nice/good-looking so maybe he's like that to all similar women, likes the idea that someone has a crush. To clarify, I've made that move straight after we met for the first time (I did it online, not face to face), so I was wondering whether he was taken aback as there was no build up really. But you are all right that if the build-up since then was enough for him, he'd ask me out himself presumably.
Have to grit my teeth and step away!

OP posts:

Original poster

janewithacrush · 15/12/2016 00:29

and Lemon, thank you, that's be just the cure!

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 15/12/2016 00:42

agree with Cri. He probably does likes you but he is in a relationship or he is just not into you.

If he wanted to be with you he'd have made time for that coffee.

trickycat · 15/12/2016 00:44

I was in this situation. Gave him loads of opportunity to ask me out but it did n't happen. He would have made it happen if that's what he wanted. No hard feelings, some things are not meant to be.

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 06:57

Do men really know what they want?. Seriously? Of course they do. FFS, this "men are just hapless souls" nonsense is what means so many women put up with so much shit for so long.

Of course he knows what he wants. I also agree that he likes you, he enjoys the flirting but he isn't interested in a relationship.

We've all been there, and on both sides too. There are a couple of male friends I flirt with and we have fun with it but I would be horrified if they wanted to take it further, I guess they would too as I know that they don't fancy me. That would make it a very different game!

TheNaze73 · 15/12/2016 08:01

Think you're going to need to do some work here.

The days of men relentlessly pursuing women have long gone. Tinder has totally changed the landscape now.

Just be direct & ask him

ShatnersWig · 15/12/2016 08:29

What Naze says. Many men are really hopeless at spotting signals (I know, I'm one of them). My last two relationships the women made the first proper move - in one case, literally just grabbing me and kissing me - because I'd apparently missed all their "really obvious" flirting for ages before hand.

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 08:32

Really, Shatners, if a woman asked you out you wouldn't realise she was asking you out?

I've had it happen the other way round when a man thought I was asking him on a date when, in fact, he was just a friend of mine and our days off coincided one week so I asked if he fancied going to lunch...

But I've never had it missed!

SausageSoda · 15/12/2016 08:33

Sorry but He's already turned you down once by saying he's too busy for coffee. I think if he was interested in you romantically he'd have found the time or suggested it again when he was less busy. You could give it one last shot and ask him again I suppose to find out for definite.

ShatnersWig · 15/12/2016 08:42

MrsF Quite possibly. It depends hugely on the situation and what was said. Example. My ex and I met very briefly at a party; everyone at that party (about 80) were involved in the same hobby but belonged to assorted groups, she was a member of one group, I ran another. Didn't seem anything flirty during a brief conversation. A few weeks later she contacted me by email asking for help concerning our hobby. A few weeks after that she contacted me again asking for more advice about this specific situation and said she would really appreciate my help because I knew much more and could we possibly chat about it over coffee. I took her totally at her word and sat there discussing the hobby. Turns out that was her way of asking me on a date. Had she just said "It was nice meeting you at that party and I was wondering if you'd like to meet up for a drink one night?" I might have twigged. But because she hung it all around a specific discussion, I assumed that was her sole intention.

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 08:43

Wow!

QuimReaper · 15/12/2016 08:44

I'd suggest he knows that you fancy him and is stoking the flame because it feeds his ego. Lots of (immature) people do it.

QuimReaper · 15/12/2016 08:47

More mysterious MN "hobbies"

You did say yes though Shatner. Did you already fancy her before you realised she was giving you the come-on? Would you ever have said you were "too busy"?

2rebecca · 15/12/2016 08:56

I agree that you have already asked him out and he declined. I thnk you are his friend he flirts with and if you find that difficult maybe step back a bit from things.

ShatnersWig · 15/12/2016 09:01

Quim No, I wasn't interested at all at the time. I took it genuinely that she wanted my help and advice. It was some weeks later at some other event that she literally pounced on me as she'd had a glass or two of wine. And I thought "you're actually quite nice, I hadn't really noticed". She said our previous meetings had all been her trying to get me to notice me and find out if I was interested as she thought I was lovely. And I gave no signals back. (Didn't want to mention hobby, could be a bit identifying)

And yes, I would someone have to say "too busy" because of my work. I'm single at the moment and would love to meet someone, but there's so much stuff going on, I genuinely couldn't make time for a date until mid-February.

IrenetheQuaint · 15/12/2016 09:02

Lots of people enjoy flirting for the sake of it. It brightens up the day and is a fun way of making a shallow but enjoyable connection with someone else. Given that he refused your coffee invite I think you should assume he falls into this category (sorry).

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