Threatened by my lovely sons

[AlanFordsGangsterGlasses]

Hello

Can anyone explain why my partner goes berserk at the suggestion of my 13yo son staying with us, or his 18yo big bro. The very suggestion of this tips an otherwise reasonably normal bloke over the edge with much yelling and offers for him to pay for me to leave and get alternative accommodation. So my sons visit, but don't stay over. WTF? Am not scared or sobbing cos have had this off and on for too long now. Just trying to think what the heck - why? There's deffo a bit of passive/aggressive going on here -and he hates any other bloke showing any interest in me whatsoever. But he's a teacher and in that role is great with teens. Oh, he has no kids of his own due to fucked up rel with younger woman who ran off with much younger bloke. Anyone else had similar and know why?

Thanks for your comments everyone - particularly those whose mothers have done similar. Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy but I know what has to be done.

Are you going to explain the situation. We don't know who has "done similar" at all.

When you say 'staying with us' is it your house or his house or do you live together? How long have you been together, he does sound controlling.

Whatevs.

whoa AnyFucker - steady on there

It's his house. When we got together 3 years ago he said the boys could move on with us.

The boys and I decided against this and for them to stay with their father as it was closer to their schools, their friends, home turf, and I could visit and see them daily.

Then ex gets very controlling new girlfriend who starts laying down the law. My partner gets mightily pissed off. The boys still come to visit and stay over. Till this March when dictates from Willow Basket Case (ex's girlfriend) put the KaiBosh on everything.

But yes, can't blame her for everything. He is controlling. It is an abusive relationship and as anyone who's been in one knows it can a) take your breath away and b) take a long time to leave even though you know it's no good.

I'm even more confused now. Where does the new girlfriend fit in, I thought it was your bloke causing the problems?

Are you saying you left your children with an abusive man? And now you're with a man who doesn't want them to stay overnight with you?

It is him that's the major problem. But father'S new girlfriend is insisting my younger son spends most of his time at her house with her kids. My ex is telling my son that they are all a 'family' now and that he should treat her as a second mother. It's way too much, way too soon.

Nope. Their father is not abusive at all. Just selfish.

If your dh is abusive, then your ex's gf is right to be calling the shots and insisting the boys stay with her and your ex as much as possible. Someone has to protect them from this abusive person, and if you can't or won't then it's pretty unfair of you to see her doing it and call it her causing trouble! LTB and sort out your priorities and your relationship with your children.

Sounds as if there isn't a decent parent among the bloody lot of you. Poor, poor boys.

Sorry all - really don't know why I bothered with this. Please all go back to your perfect lives and forget I ever spoke.

So you know now you need to move out of his house. That's the first step to rebuilding your relationship with your sons. Focus on the steps to doing that and don't worry about explaining your partner's behaviour. It's not right for you is all the conclusion you need.

OP, you seem to take a very passive role in life, but you can't fix this by understanding it. You have to fix it through actions.

You have to leave this rotten man, move to be where your sons are. Show them you are their mother. You can't change anyone's behaviour but yourvon.

Hey, AlanFord!
It must feel really raw! Your partner is throwing his weight around and making things harder. Your ex's partner is getting more involved than you are ready for. You feel caught in the middle between what you want, what you can have, and what other people are doing.

How do your boys feel about all this? Do they want to come, still?

I think if they are safe where they are, that gives you time to sort out what you want and what is best for them and you. Do you need support with that? Don't give up on the thread yet if you do. Just give us a bit more time to understand things. There are some pretty clued up people on here who will help if you like.