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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on my controlling moody husband!

54 replies

Hummingbird81 · 14/12/2016 20:44

Hi everyone, I'm new here and just need some advice and or kind words to keep my spirits up, this will be long so here goes!
I've been with my husband for 18 years married for 11, we have 4 children together I was 16 when we met. Currently I have been sleeping on the sofa for the last 4 nights and he hasn't spoken a word to me. This all started on Monday when he checked his bank account (he has his own) and saw that on Saturday he asked me to withdraw £100 for him but I took £120 and didn't tell him, I obviously shouldn't have took the extra £20 but I needed it and he doesn't actually give me any money on a weekly or monthly basis. We have had countless arguments about him giving me money towards the household but he always has an excuse why he shouldn't ie: he pays the car payment and insurance which I use, he buys clothes for the kids etc it's not that he's tight he just refuses to give money to me, I buy all the shopping, electric, gas, give the kids money for school and pay the rent.
After he found out about the £20 he rang me and said if I ever go near his bank card again he was going to break my ribs and he then blocked my number from his phone! A lot of you will probably be appalled at hearing that but I suppose I'm used to his threats and it doesn't affect me as much anymore it's become kind of "normal", I am also not allowed to drive his car anymore even to bring the kids to school so im walking and the older are taking the bus. Please don't get me wrong I know I'm in an abusive relationship with an extremely controlling man but I feel like I'm so deep into the relationship I have no possibility of getting out. He has never hit me but the mental stuff Is ongoing but I feel as though it doesn't effect me as badly as it used to because I don't rise to it anymore, when he said I wasn't to use the car I never said a word because I think he enjoys it more when he knows it hurts me so I just got on with it as though it doesn't affect me, today he must have unblocked my number to text me to say I can use the car to pick our youngest up from school as it was raining but I wouldn't let him get the better of me so I didn't and I walked anyway. This isn't the first time he's pulled this with the car, I feel like I'm the only person living with a man like this he is just so grumpy and moody most of the time I actually can't stand him about 70% of the time, I am very resilient and he'll never get me down so much that I'm depressed or anything I just wish he would lighten up and enjoy life instead of being so negative and controlling all the time. I wish I had the courage to leave him I really do but I know Im not there yet, I have never told anyone what way he behaves because I'm so embarrassed that I have allowed him to do this, I think he is just so miserable and unhappy inside himself that he wants everyone else to be like him. I guess my question is, has anyone else went through this and came out the other side happier either alone or together?

OP posts:
MotherFuckingChainsaw · 14/12/2016 21:47

am naturally an optimistic person I think this has worked for me and against me

Yup, he's targeted you, maybe subconsciously but he has targeted you, a sunny optimistic nature is great for him. One it's more fun for him to pull you down from that and two that optimism is what keeps you trapped.if you were bitter and twisted you'd just say 'fuck this shit' grab the kids and walk. But a bit of you hopes for better, maybe it will be ok...this time...

He's twisted the best bits of you into his shitty game.

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 14/12/2016 21:51

I know he's a bastard more than anyone and it breaks my heart for my kids, I just need to make a plan to do this because I don't want to do this anymore he has put me off men for life I don't think I could ever trust another man because of him but I would be happy on my own I know I would, not having to worry about upsetting him or pander to his ego! I do have family that I could go and stay with but I may just have to ride it out to after Xmas as I don't want to run my kids Christmas I can put up with him for a few weeks

OP posts:
CocoaX · 14/12/2016 21:55

You have a legal right to be left alone.

Your solicitor writes to tell him not to contact you apart from via his solicitor regarding contact with DC.

If he harasses you, you warn him you will call the police if he does it again. You stick to that. You tell local community that you are separated and you should be acknowledged as such.

None of it happens overnight. Leaving is a process. It starts by realising that this is not the life you want and believing you deserve something better.

Post separation abuse is real, and he will not stop trying to control you. But that is not a reason to stay and accept it.

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 14/12/2016 21:56

If he became violent or wouldn't let me leave I would phone the police yes but if he just refused what could I do?

I'm not afraid to be alone I actually pray for it and I know everyone is right regarding the kids I really do I just need to build the courage to do this myself it's very hard

OP posts:
CocoaX · 14/12/2016 21:56

X post again, I was replying to you saying he would not leave you alone.

CocoaX · 14/12/2016 21:58

Seek legal advice in the New Year.

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 14/12/2016 22:03

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to post here it really does help, I know what I have to do and it will take time to do this but I really think I have taken the first step posting here as I delayed hitting the post button for 20 minutes it makes it very real hearing everyone's responses but it forces me to look at why I am taking g this crap

OP posts:
baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 22:08

You can do it Hummingbird Smile

GTS · 14/12/2016 22:25

oh Hummingbird your post makes me so sad, particularly that this vile psychological abuse has become 'normal' to you, even though you know it's wrong and you deserve better. You've taken an important step in realizing you are able to make the break, now you need to formulate a plan to make it happen. The more mentally prepared you are for this the better. There's a good book called 'living with the dominator' which might help clarify how much of an abuser he is, although it does sound like you have a good awareness of it. I wish you the best of luck, stay strong xx

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 14/12/2016 22:34

GTS thank you, I will look up that book I have been researching his abuse for years also so I do know what it is he fits every description and stereotype. The thought of what I have to do is daunting but I do know it's right, I refuse to go through another year living like this. You know what's crazy when he's not speaking to me I prefer it because I don't have to pretend to like him lol. I will get through Xmas with a smile on my face for my kids sake and in the new year I will ask him to leave I know he's gonna make it difficult for me as he watches the kids while I work but if I have to take time off work on sick I will

OP posts:
meyourelookingfor · 14/12/2016 22:37

I think from my first posting to actual action was around 6 months. My circumstances were different and the abuse subtle. We all have different ways of coping. You will feel so much lighter once you go it alone. It is actually easier than you think. But there is no rush. Try to put a rough plan together in your head of what you would like to happen. I wish you all the best for the future. We are here for such a short time. Make the most of this life Smile

BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2016 22:50

Believe me if it weren't for our kids I would walk out and never look back

Believe me op it is precisely because of your kids that you should leave him. Do you really want them growing up in such a nasty, abusive atmosphere?

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 14/12/2016 23:26

Of course I don't want them living like this but until you are actually in this type of situation it can be very hard to imagine why someone wouldn't just leave, there are so many things I'm afraid of! I'm afraid he may get one or more of my children to want to stay with him I couldn't cope with that he can be very manipulative, he always goes on about how their parents are still together and he would never leave them, he'll try to blame it on me that I done this and children can feel like they have to choose sides which I don't want. I came from divorce and it can be hard to forgive although my parents divorce was through cheating my own dad was never controlling. I'm afraid il ruin their lives if I leave, they are all doing well in school are involved in sports and activities and I have 3 who are teenagers this could cause them to go off the rails and I would blame myself! They're lives at the moment has been stable, yes they're dad is an ass half the time but I'm trying to weigh up everything in my mind and I don't know which is best for them 😞

OP posts:
pklme · 15/12/2016 06:27

Well done humming bird, you are moving in the right direction.
Think about the upsides of splitting. There will be some wobbles, but he can't control the split as easily as he can control the marriage. No one is saying it will be easy, but it will be easier than staying put, knowing the long term damage to you and the DCs.

jeaux90 · 15/12/2016 08:34

Hummingbird. I was in the same situation. I know how hard it is. I am naturally optimistic too and you hope they will change but people don't change. I mean you haven't in the face of all this abuse you are still the same lovely person right. Flip that. He won't change. It takes an awful lot of strength to make that leap but reading your posts I know you have it.

When I left 6 years ago I still remember that immense and awesome feeling of freedom. That I knew despite the altercations we had after over our daughter that he could never threaten me or hurt me again.

Please remove this awful person from your day to day life. He is living your life for you and your children.

Xxx

jetsetlil · 15/12/2016 08:58

Hummingbird81. I suspect your children know exactly what's going on and would be happy if you got rid of him. Kids are excellent at picking up vibes. They probably look happy when he is spoiling them on those occasions he isn't speaking to you but I reckon they are just keeping their heads down till it blows over.

Kr1stina · 15/12/2016 09:20

What ages are your children ? If he watches them when you are at work, you need to make other plans for childcare. You cat stay off work sick when you are not sick - you will lose your job .

If you are on a low way you will get come of your childcare paid for . You need to check this all out and make proper plans .

TDHManchester · 15/12/2016 19:22

Well i only read the OP and got to the line about breaking ribs and stopped,slightly shocked. This isnt good. Maybe you have just got used to being abused?

Roastturnip · 15/12/2016 21:57

I can very much relate to your post op. I have been married 10 years to a controlling abusive man. He's never been violent or aggressive; his emotional abuse has been subtle to the point of me only just beginning to recognise it all for what it is.

I'm fortunate in that I'm financially stable and can sort support myself. His financial abuse is in the form of lack of contribution. I'm going to see woman's aid next week for some advice, as I am trapped with him in a joint mortgage. Sorry you're in this situation too Flowers

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 15/12/2016 22:51

Hi everyone, thank you for all your advice today everything came to a head and I told him to leave he actually went kind of peacefully which shocked me more than anything else, not sure if it's a ploy on his part trying to be semi nice so I think he has realised he needs to change! I just don't trust anything to be face value anymore because of all the mind games. He has text me a couple of times just random things about looking for a flat for himself (he is in his mums now) I am trying to be polite in my responses just to keep the peace! I don't feel free just yet I still have that anxious feeling in my stomach but at least I have taken a step in the right direction I just have to keep strong and not fall for his nice guy act that I think he's trying to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 15/12/2016 22:56

Thank u roseturnip it's awful living with this ur just so on edge all of the time and clinging onto the "better times" although there never really good just better than the nastiness! I realised a long time ago what he was doing but I never had the strength to do anything about it, I hope we both get to a really happy place someday soon x

OP posts:
GTS · 15/12/2016 22:58

oh my gosh! what happened to waiting til the new year? Well, good for you! That said, please PLEASE brace yourself for what probably lies ahead. I cannot for a second imagine that he will go quietly, even though it appears he is behaving for now. I would keep the texts to a bare minimum, he is probably just trying to get the lay of the land before he decides what to do. Please stay strong Hummingbird, this is a new beginning for you and your children Xxxx

Original poster
Hummingbird81 · 15/12/2016 23:08

GTS thank u, we didn't even have an argument I said everything very calmly and he agreed! But I'm no fool and I can almost guarantee this is an act to try and look good/normal/nice so I am prepared for what may come. it's all been too easy and the texts are very formal and factual but I know him too well I think he thinks I will beg him to come back if he doesn't seem interested, my minds a bit scrambled at the minute cus I'm trying to out think him. My hope is that he has maybe met someone else and sees this as his way out too (I can hope), I will keep use updated I'm going to TRY and sleep lol thanks once again

OP posts:
Dontaskmegoogleit · 15/12/2016 23:20

Well bloody done hummingbird .
Don't waste your head space on out thinking him. Move on to your practicalities, like getting the house in your name only . Packing his stuff away etc.
Have a well deserved sleep in your own bed x

baconandeggies · 15/12/2016 23:47

Ah well done you! Hope you can get some good sleep in :)