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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has been messaging ex

28 replies

lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 12:34

So, my DH has been on Facebook - he won't accept my friend request - and I clock on his messages and realise that last year, and for the previous year, he has been messaging his exwife. They have no children and she only married him so she could stay in the UK. He tracked her down on Facebook and he messaged her. He asked her if they could meet for coffee but I don't know if he ever did. I confronted him about it. No apology. Tries to attack me for snooping. This is the straw that broke the camel's back in a long list of unfaithful behaviour that never really amounts to a proper affair, but which is disrespectful to our marriage nontheless. The worst part, was that he told this person, a stranger to me, our three childrens' names, including our middle daughter's nickname. It made me feel sick to my stomach.

OP posts:
PinkiePiesCupcakes · 13/12/2016 12:40

So you have 3 kids with someone you doing trust?
You went snooping ontonhis Facebook because you don't trust him?
You find messages, dont say what the messages were about, but they were to his ex?

Yet the worst bitnis that he told her your kids names?.

I'd say telling someone the name of his kids is the least worrying thing. That's normal, small talk stuff.

But, the fact you don't trust him and the fact you went snooping means, to me at least, the relationship is dead. Time to move on.

Not sure what else you want tbh?

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 13:01

The relationship is dead. I could tell you about the day when my daughter was a week old when a woman banged on my door claiming he'd got her pregnant and my eldest daughter was in the next room and heard everything. No I don't trust him. But I have three children and I don't know how to get out of this relationship. And him telling his ex our childrens' names was just sickening because of the intimacy of it. Somehow, that was worse than everything else he has thrown at me.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/12/2016 13:12

You know this won't improve, you are in for continual humiliation; you have 3 kids together, he will have to provide maintenance for them so move on like millions of other women do with children; share the care and be free of living like this, it sounds hell, it's also showing your children that it's normal to be disrespected, that's not a good role model for your children.

He sounds a sneaky cunt.

Phoebeby · 13/12/2016 13:14
Confused

Do you have evidence he's cheated?

CocktailQueen · 13/12/2016 13:14

Children's names are not a secret. I think you're focusing on that to avoid thinking about the bigger issues: that your 'd'h is an unfaithful, lying, untrustworthy twat.

Of course you can get out. Ask him to leave. Get legal advice. Apply for child maintenance.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 13:24

He is unemployed. I work 42 hours a week and he cooks tea for the children when they get in from school. Could he get custody?

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Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 13:29

I don't have evidence he has cheated as any other stuff has been, 'when we're on a break'. I do have grounds for unreasonable behaviour but he threatens to take the children from me as he says he's the main carer. But that's only because he won't work and i have to see the bills are paid

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/12/2016 13:34

I get how you are upset re him giving out your children's names, that's private stuff and no need; just another example of disrespect.

If he doesn't work how the hell can he provide for 3 kids so no I'd not worry about him getting full custody.

How many breaks you been on?

WellErrr · 13/12/2016 13:40

You need legal advice.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 13:53

The first break was when he moved out when eldest dd was there. Second was because we were rowing about a woman he met on the school run who's house he was going to for coffee.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 13:54

Any recommendations for where I can get good legal advice?

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Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 13:57

The woman on the school run told everyone I was jealous and didn't like my husband talking to her. I actually didn't like him spending all day in her house watching films with mine and hers children while I was at work.

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MinesAGin · 13/12/2016 13:57

Oh god, OP, you have to get rid of this loser. He's lazy, lets you do all the work, is unfaithful and now says he'll get custody - in his dreams! I would phone around local lawyers and ask who deals with divorce - speak to them (you'll probably have to pay) and tell them everything (but quickly as you're paying per minute!) and see what they say.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 13/12/2016 14:00

You poor thing . Citizens advice are ok for starters but you really need a proper solicitor that specialises in family matters .

Don't believe those that say 'solicitors give a free half hour '. They don't.

SandyY2K · 13/12/2016 14:51

I understand how you feel about the kid's names, even if others don't. That's letting her into your lives.

Start planning to leave. When the woman told you he got her pregnant, that would have been it for me.

Put some money away in an account in your name or set accounts up for your children and be putting money there for their future.

Why doesn't he work?
Has he ever worked?
Was he ever useful?

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 15:34

He has worked but recently he hasn't because he has diabetes. He prefers it if I work

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Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 15:47

I agree I should have got rid year s ago buy I stuck with him for the sake of the children

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WicksEnd · 13/12/2016 15:59

Why can't he work if he has diabetes?

Adora10 · 13/12/2016 16:02

Is there anything actually worthy about this guy?

You don't have to drag yourself into misery with a man that shows you zero respect for your kid's sake, you can both co parent but not have to be in a relationship anymore - it's not exactly a great example to set your kids either. You really need to call it a day and salvage your self respect.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 16:07

He gets tired easily and has to go to the hospital a lot. I agree I am going to have to end it because he really doesn't know how to behave. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I get, it's just friends. When I know, it's just disrespect that's what it is. I will have to do it one step at a time.

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SandyY2K · 13/12/2016 19:49

I know many people with diabetes who work and his employers would have to make reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act. He could also work reduced hours, but I suspect he's a lazy so and so.

Never tired to chat to other women or message his Ex. Of course he prefers you to work.

If you don't start planning, you'll end up paying him alimony and child support. He could get custody.

If there'sone thing I wouldn't tolerate it's a man who doesn't work like that and isn't actively seeking employment. It's like having another child depending on you for every last penny. If he was looking after themall day that would be different.

He's what the MN folk call a c*lodger.

See a family lawyer and put a strategy in place, so you don't loose so much financially.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 13/12/2016 20:58

Thanks. He does frighten me by saying hello get custody and that scares me

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/12/2016 21:11

You could consider either reducing your hours or doing some form of flexible working that enables you to do some school pick ups and do some caregiving after school/meal prep after school.

That way you can establish that over a period of time, you were in the home after school as much or nearly as much as him. Start spending time with your children (without him), in a bid to establish yourself firmly, as the one they recall many happy times with.

I'm sure you already do lots with your children, but maybe look at the altering of hours on a temporary basis, to demonstrate your presence.

Could you maybe hint that there is some discussion of laying people off at work and suggest he gets a job?

Tell him how much pressure you feel being the sole provider in the current economic climate. Would that motivate him?

Does he have family members who would give him a shove to work? Lots of this requires cunning plans to get him working and you acting like all is well on the homefront.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 14/12/2016 02:16

Thanks really good advice. My plan is to divorce him when my middle daughter goes to university in two years. Yes I like the idea of spending more time with the children. I'm going to try and do that. His family is a nightmare, which is why he is the way he is and I want both to do with them. I wish I could set something money aside but it is all going on bills at the moment.

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torontonian · 14/12/2016 02:48

So your middle DD is 16? She is going to decide who she wants to leave with. How old is the youngest?