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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be pissed off STBXH has introduced DS to GF after 2 weeks

33 replies

onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 20:07

We have been separated since the Summer. STBXH joined Match.com within days (relieved to get him off my case). Long catalogue of DV, EA & VA which resulted in long conversations with Women's Aid & the police removing me from the MH due to fears for my safety. Long, long rambling texts about how he is the perfect father, only ever looking out for his kids, I have no maternal feelings because I left (I did with the DC's) but only after DS had to call the police & begged me to divorce his father.

Just gobsmacked - on the phone to STBXH this evening about finances & I hear voices in the background - his new GF (2.5 weeks) talking to my DS. I said shouldn't this be something that we discussed ?

Yes but its done now.

AIBU ? We were married for 26 years . Kids have never been exposed to new partners and 2.5 weeks ???

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 20:20

How old are the children?

Original poster
onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 20:42

15 & 17

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 12/12/2016 20:45

Really? Don't you think they're old enough to understand by now? Its not as if they're 3 years old.

Mooey89 · 12/12/2016 20:47

Um.
I was coming on here to say YANBU, but actually I think you are.
They aren't babies anymore, they can vote with their feet.
Sorry.

Original poster
onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 21:02

ok maybe I am getting things out of perspective but thought 17 years as a family demanded a bit more respect than meeting a new (and first GF) after 2.5 weeks

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 12/12/2016 21:02

I was expecting you to say they were 6 & 4 or something.

CIBC53 · 12/12/2016 21:06

I can see why it's annoying but they are old enough to decide what to do themselves now. I wouldn't let it get to you.

mum11970 · 12/12/2016 21:08

At 15 and 17 they're maure enough to decide for themselves.

Original poster
onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 21:12

But the point is they are not deciding ! She just turned up at his house

OP posts:
Belleblush · 12/12/2016 21:12

I think it's far too soon. The impact of that on a teenager can be more detrimental than a younger child. I'm with the OP on this x

Original poster
onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 21:15

To witness what they have witnessed & then suddenly have a 'new' woman thrust upon them when he was begging me to take him back every night on the phone in front of them (when they were staying with him)

OP posts:
RueDeDay · 12/12/2016 21:19

It is too soon, Once. But it's nothing you can control, so you need to breathe deep and let it go. They are old enough that it'll affect their relationship with him, so that's the bed he has to lie in. My ex moved the new girlfriend in two days after I moved out. DD was 5. Two years on, she has only just started staying overnight, because she was so affected by the change. His decision, his consequence.

Scarlettablue · 12/12/2016 22:08

With a father like that, a new girlfriend sounds like the least of their problems!

Simonneilsbeard · 12/12/2016 22:12

I agree it is far too soon. Your dc's are old enough to decide they don't want to be round her in future.
It was definitely handled badly with her just turning up at the house like that. I wouldn't be surprised if it was for your benefit tbh, so your dcs could go back and tell you.
Unless your Children are genuinely really shocked and upset by this then I honestly wouldn't worry.
Iv been down this road although my children were much younger, it drove me insane but the relationship didn't last in the end.
Let it go.

WannaBe · 12/12/2016 22:35

They're old enough to make their own decisions. Reality is that a seventeen year old is going to realise that his dad is likely dating and TBH likely thinks you may be as well. Even if he introduces a string of girlfriends to them over the coming years, they're not babies, they're not going to be harmed by it in the same way young children are - they'll just think "oh another one."

And be careful not to project. She may be a perfectly nice woman, and they may in fact go on to have a decent relationship with her. That's their choice at this stage, however annoyed at him you might be.

neonrainbow · 12/12/2016 22:36

It's none of your business.

Original poster
onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 22:51

Sorry WTF is the welling being of my children's minds not my business - whether they are 15 & 17 ?
You don't know what they have been have exposed to so yes it is my business.
I agree they are not stupid to realise that dating is going to happen but just feel a relationship should be formed before introductions. Kids are very impressionable & to see a possible parade of women is in my opinion not the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Simonneilsbeard · 12/12/2016 22:55

You don't actually mention if your dcs were bothered or upset by it?

Original poster
onceacuntalwaysacunt · 12/12/2016 22:59

I don't know as they are at their Dads tonight & I haven't spoken to them.

As I have never encountered anything like this before I think I just assumed it was something to be discussed between STBXH & myself rather than being on the phone to him & hearing her voice in the background.
I have absolutely no problem with him seeing someone it was just a shock that the kids were introduced to her so soon & without any warning at all.

OP posts:
Simonneilsbeard · 12/12/2016 23:10

Why would you expect someone with a history of ea and a catalogue of dv issues in your relationship to respect what you think or do things the right way now that you aren't together.
Splitting up won't change the fact that he is what he is. It's something I had to come to terms with regarding my own ex.
Obviously you need to speak to your children when they come back. If they aren't happy it's perfectly reasonable for them to phone their dad and say 'hey it was nice meeting your gf but next time we get together we'd prefer it to be just us'
Let him take it from there. I'm not sure there's much more you can do about it unfortunately.

MrsBertBibby · 12/12/2016 23:15

I think he's an idiot for doing this, but it's unlikely to harm anything but the kids' respect for him.

MrsBertBibby · 12/12/2016 23:16

Unless you embarass your kids by being all ott about it with them.

Eyerolling. Kids understand that language.

WannaBe · 12/12/2016 23:36

TBH even in an amicable separation I think it is unrealistic to expect to be consulted over introducing a seventeen year old to anyone. And even a fifteen year old is old enough to not be impacted by it in the same way as e.g. A preteen or younger.

But in less than a year the seventeen year old will be an adult. And while it's understandable that you're angry about it, as a PP said, it really isn't your business to know. They're not babies, they're both old enough to have their own views, make their own decisions, and even a string of women isn't going to harm them other than to make them cringe when the next one comes on the scene, if that happens.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 23:38

At 15 and 17 they're old enough to form their own opinions. They are old enough not to form emotional attachments to random women their father may date.

If you just let it alone they'll think it through for themselves. If they mention that Dad has a gf I'd just say "Didn't let the grass grow under his feet, did he" and let it go at that.

Mirandawest · 12/12/2016 23:39

I met DHs son within a couple of weeks of meeting him. DSS was 17 at the time. I don't really see the issue.