To be pissed off STBXH has introduced DS to GF after 2 weeks

[onceacuntalwaysacunt]

We have been separated since the Summer. STBXH joined Match.com within days (relieved to get him off my case). Long catalogue of DV, EA & VA which resulted in long conversations with Women's Aid & the police removing me from the MH due to fears for my safety. Long, long rambling texts about how he is the perfect father, only ever looking out for his kids, I have no maternal feelings because I left (I did with the DC's) but only after DS had to call the police & begged me to divorce his father.

Just gobsmacked - on the phone to STBXH this evening about finances & I hear voices in the background - his new GF (2.5 weeks) talking to my DS. I said shouldn't this be something that we discussed ?

Yes but its done now.

AIBU ? We were married for 26 years . Kids have never been exposed to new partners and 2.5 weeks ???

Of course it is your business. Of course you're worried for your dc. Of course, it's not fair. But hate will eat you up if you let it. The greatest revenge here, would be to let it go, make peace with it. Show your dc nothing but love and happiness when they next see you.

Teenagers can vote with their feet both ways, so keep them close, keep them onboard with you and let go the rest. Do not make them feel divided, as they are young adults and will not thank you for it.

It is far too soon. And if he has subjected you to DV then I would not want them near him at all tbh.

With a father like that, a new girlfriend sounds like the least of their problems!

^ This^

I hear the word 'respect' in your post OP and think that this is really what your posts are about. It seems to me that you feel side-lined; not as an ex-wife but as a parent. You feel that he should still think enough of you to run these decisions past you, that he should feel they are as significant as you feel they are and that this is still something that should be discussed and agreed between just you two. It's come as a bit of a shock to you that he doesn't feel like that.

Whether or not it's going to impact your chlldren, who knows? I think it depends very much on them, how their relationship is with their father and how they see his relationship with girlfriends. These are things that will come to light as time progresses and, as they are of an age now that they are almost adults, this is something that perhaps they should take up with him?

If it we me in your position OP, I'd steer clear of this. Support my children IF and when they asked me - and other than that, I'd stay well out of it.

I know it's hard for you to accept that you don't have ultimate control over your children's meeting of other people but it's a fact of life and this has already happened. Hope that they have good relationships with any partners that your ex husband has because that will be positive for them.

As I have never encountered anything like this before I think I just assumed it was something to be discussed between STBXH & myself rather than being on the phone to him & hearing her voice in the background.

But there was DV in your marriage, did you seriously expect he was going to sit down and tell you anything?

Are you worried they might witness more DV now he has a new victim? That is my main concern with my ex remarrying. That he will do it again, and the kids being exposed to it.

I honestly don't think the new girlfriend is the big deal here. The boys are plenty old enough to understand, really. It's getting to the point where, actually, it won't really affect them anyway. If they can still see him knowing what a vile person he is, they don't have high standards or expectations for his behaviour.

Tbh, if a new man in my life introduced me to his teenage children within three weeks I would be running a mile. Bad enough to deal with your own kids hormones, school issues, GCSE choices, friendship issues, university choices and fees, but to take on someone else's?

OP your kids sound resiliant, they know what their dad is like and what he put you through, they are not going to start playing happy families with the new gf. You too know what your ex is like, you should be feeling pity for this poor deluded woman.

As for him? don't waste your emotional energy on him, he has taken enough of it in the past, just remember he is someone who has so little emotional intelligence and resilience of his own he has no resources to draw on and needs someone else to prop him up , used to be your job, but now someone else has picked the short straw.

I think at 15 and 17, you don't really have a say.

They are old enough to understand what their dad is dojnf