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Original poster

What can I do??

37 replies

FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 20:42

On Thursday night I went thru my DP's computer, he has been acting dodgy for a while now, deleting browsing history, spending lots of time online.

Since my two yr old ds was born I have had low to no sex drive.

Anyway what I found totally shocked me. My dp had put pictures of his #*^@ on a cottaging website, and people had been messaging him complimenting him!!

It was nearly midnight (my dp was on a night shift) but i packed a bag, took my ds out of bed and went to my mum's. Only came back today.

When we spoke about he said he done it as he feels I hate his cock and wanted to boost his confidence. I have never been a fan of oral, and don't feel confident in the bedroom to say the least. He admitted he knew it was wrong to do it, but if this is the point our relationship has got to - he has to get sexual compliments from strangers - what can I do?
Enrol in sex school maybe

He has hurt me so badly, oh and to top it all off on his profile on this site he put that he was very bi curious! Never been mentioned before so a total shock and don't know what to do with that either.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 20:52

I am a regular by the way....just too embarassed to show my 'face'

really need some support right now

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Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:15

anyone??

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 17/02/2007 21:17

oh god I haven't really got much idea. first things first - discuss, discuss and discuss. then if you feel satisfied after that, then start looking at why you have so little sex drive - if it's tiredness, a hormone problem, depression, or if it's a symptom of a relationship problem.

Sheraz · 17/02/2007 21:18

Is this Kittylette again?

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:19

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:20

no this is a genuine problem I am having and the fact that is such an odd set of circumstances is why I am not discussing it with people who know me and my dp

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ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:20

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 17/02/2007 21:22

I think it's a bit sad of him to try to put the whole thing onto you. Surely if he was bi-curious, that's a bigger issue?

It sucks that your sex drive has been so low. Do you want your sex drive back? Do you love your DP?

There are lots of threads here on how to get your sex drive back.

Is he genuinely sorry for what he's done? What does he say about the bi-curious bit?

Are you certain he's not gone off and met anyone from these places? Was the website one that allowed such things?

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:22

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:27

I don't feel much better tbh, I was ready to leave him but felt I should give it a go for my ds.

I know he hasn't physically met any of them.

I am angry that he has solely put it on me, and yes I do feel even less sexual now than before hand. Think I may be suffering from depression (had an appointment booked last week but couldn't face going), have taken out my contraceptive implant (last month) to role out hormonal reasons (we have been talking about it and trying to sort it).

Our relationship is good apart from the sex drive problem, and the oral problem .

Feel like I can't trust him and that he has put his own feelings before that of us as a couple and as a father.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:29

He didn't really have an answer for the bi-curious .... wouldn't be bothered if he was if it had been talked about in an open way but didn't even have an inkling!!

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/02/2007 21:29

Hmm, I'd be curious to talk through the oral problem, but that is so not the cause of this. What your DP has done is wrong, and he knows it. His attempts to blame it all on you are in many ways, more hurtful than the website thing!

Before you knew about this, did you want to leave him?

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:29

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:31

I do want my sex drive back and I do love him so much

My dp does know though that I am strong and independant and that I would leave him if he cheated on me.

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ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:33

No my birth was ok but think my pelvic floor suffered . (feel quite self conscious about it tbh)

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/02/2007 21:33

Ok.

Well, removing the implant sounds wise.

Depression can of course destroy your sex drive, as you no doubt know.

Are you doing All the Right Things to get your sex drive back? Are you getting time off? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you pampering yourself, in whatever way works for you (exercise, manicures, lingerie, bathing in the blood of virgins, whatever)?

(Just checking: you really don't have a sex drive - you're not masturbating, and you don't find yourself fancying other people?)

Is Relate an option? The bi-curious thing puzzles me a bit, and him trying to pin the website thing on you is more than a bit worrisome.

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:34

x posts!

no I haven't seen doc, went to family planning to have my implant took out.

reason I cancelled appointment last week was I am seriously teary right now and didn't want to dissolve into a heap of snot and tears on the gp's floor

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/02/2007 21:35

Are you having incontinence issues? Or just concerns about tightness and intercourse? Either way, pelvic floor exercises can really help. This page is good and detailed. If you first try doing them sitting down, then standing up, then standing up with legs apart (trying different positions over weeks, not all at once!), you can get a progression of difficulty.

ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:41

no incontinence thank god - got enough probs to deals with! just loss of tightness.

My dp is having a bonfire in the back garden with dss so in and out of the house at the moment

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ohsmellyjelly · 17/02/2007 21:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:45

Don't know about relate, would have to farm out my ds and where would we say we were going??!! Also may be difficult as I work 6days a week and dp works a shift pattern. Would try anything tho.

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Original poster
FeelingLikeABigPrude · 17/02/2007 21:46

Yes he is embarassed, can't look me in the eye, trying to grovel, etc.

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NotQuiteCockney · 17/02/2007 21:46

Well, you could tell people you're going to relate? Or you could claim to be taking dancing classes? Or similar?