What can I do??

[FeelingLikeABigPrude]

On Thursday night I went thru my DP's computer, he has been acting dodgy for a while now, deleting browsing history, spending lots of time online.

Since my two yr old ds was born I have had low to no sex drive.

Anyway what I found totally shocked me. My dp had put pictures of his #*^@ on a cottaging website, and people had been messaging him complimenting him!!

It was nearly midnight (my dp was on a night shift) but i packed a bag, took my ds out of bed and went to my mum's. Only came back today.

When we spoke about he said he done it as he feels I hate his cock and wanted to boost his confidence. I have never been a fan of oral, and don't feel confident in the bedroom to say the least. He admitted he knew it was wrong to do it, but if this is the point our relationship has got to - he has to get sexual compliments from strangers - what can I do?
Enrol in sex school maybe

He has hurt me so badly, oh and to top it all off on his profile on this site he put that he was very bi curious! Never been mentioned before so a total shock and don't know what to do with that either.

My heart goes out to you. Please go to your GP, collapsing into tears wont bother them, they have seen it before, plus it sounds like you really need to talk to someone. If you want to you can get through this, even though it doesnt feel like it at the moment. Relate are excellent, and it is much easier to talk to strangers than to friends about this sort of thing. You dont have to go together, you can go on your own which might really help you.

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It sounds like he was doing it to find out if the problem is him/his penis and to boost his confidence. The lack of sex had maybe made him think you maybe are not attracted to him anymore? Do you talk about the sex issue? if not he probably feels the problem is him

May be it would be a good idea to talk to him about the lack of sex drive etc and make him understand it on your level, but reassure him that its not him thats turning you off iyswim-this is what helped when i had loss of sex drive after ds2 for 6+months, when i sat and talked to him and told him how unfeeling i felt and how I wanted it on a emotional level but not physical level and how tired/depressed/pressured I felt.

Do you have a lot of intimate contact? its good for your relationship to be hugging/stroking/massaging-but if you dont feel up to sex, be straight with him from the start, and have intimate contact, and see what happens. You could help him with masturbation, without having to have sex, that alone may arouse you to the point you feel able to have sex.

As for the bisexual issue, I wouldnt worry.
The thing with bisexuality is that I think its a sliding scale- I think everyone is bisexual to a degree(weather they will admit that or not), weather that be looking at someone and thinking nice bum/body, stunning looker, having a kiss with same sex or actually wanting sexual acts with them.

Just because he said he was curious, does not mean hes likely to scoot off with a gay guy, it could mean hes just looking for an answer to the lack of sex, maybe he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Its natural to be curius about things we dont know alot about/have never experienced.

very wise busy bean, he did say he was seeking reassurance and that he felt rejected. I realise what you have said from a practical view, as I have explained it that way myself.

We don't have much physical contact anymore, if he hug he gets aroused and has admitted he then feels resentful towards me and I think this is why it has petered out iykwim.

How you described feeling is just how i feel. So tired, depressed and pressured.

Yes, pressured is a horrible way to feel.

The whole 'sensate focus' exercise thing is maybe an option? It seems to be what all sex counsellors always recommend, from what I know. I have to go sleep, but google for it and see what you think.

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Thanks for listening all of you. I will look that up NQC and have bookmarked the earlier site you mentioned too.

ohsmellyjelly I hope you are ok, been away from mn for a day or two so only just seen whats been going on. Thank you for taking the time out of your own problems to help me.

What would we do without mumsnet!

You really need to talk with him about his, choose your time carefully and make sure it doesnt end up as a arguement.

If he fully understands how you feel and you are able to reassure him, it'll make him feel more confident and your feel more at ease.

Get cuddling, its ok for him to get aroused, but if your not up to it, tell him, I would say to dp, Im sorry, I really love you, but Im physically not up to sex, he would either then drop it, or I would help him with masturbation.

Communication is the key here to get this sorted

Thanks busybean, no chance of getting to that point even if we were both up for it as have dss, dss, and nephew here!

Hopefully they will all head off bed and we can have a good talk.

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