Do emotional abusers change?

[Mistykit]

Do you think emotional abusers continue to abuse in new relationships? Will they always be abusive or are they only that way with certain partners? I'm 4 months out of an EA relationship and curious is it something that is triggered in them (i.e. Will I trigger it in someone else who usually wouldn't be abusive) or are they inherently like that?

Emotional abusers don't change in my view.

Doesn't matter who they are in relationship with

No they don't.

I think, in my limited experience, that a lot of EA don't realise they are Emotionally abusive and don't do it consciously, IYSWIM.

They think theyre the normal ones and their partners are the issue. Breaking that believe is nigh on impossible.

No.

I wish the answer was yes but I don't think so. Certainly not if they can't admit it. I'm in a similar situation as you op. I've read so much on the subject I feel as though the world is full of angry men. I am so sad and defeated. What made you know your relationship was over?

As I have been a victim of both emotional and physical abuse I would say nope definitely not, in fact the emotional abuser was worse because I was never sure if he knew he was doing it or he did know as the things he did swirled round and round in my head and made me anxious, and this was after we had split up! If you are thinking about getting back with this person don't. The one and only relationship they have and will ever have is with themselves - leave them to their sad existence and let the only thing you feel for them, ever, is pity.

Hoping

Did you ever work out how your then partner ended up like that? Where do they learn their behavior or is it an innate thing?

It's pretty impossible for them to ever change, even with a lot of therapy.

It is a hard thing to do, because some don't even realise they are abusing their partner emotionally.

No, they were like it before you and will be like it afterwards.

You may attract abusers though as they test for signs that you have lower esteem or boundaries that they can abuse. This does not make it your fault however, it's them who have the problem.

Basically, abuse is what people use to make you do what they want you to do. It's a tactic people use if they have trouble understanding how others feel - they don't feel the pain they inflict on you. It doesn't upset them to upset you. They don't feel guilty when they upset you (despite initially seeming to - they have learnt how to mimic people who show sympathy/empathy).

So it is to do with how they're wired upstairs and they are simply unable to behave any other way. That's why red flags are useful - get knowledgable about what signs to look out for.

Also, it's a good idea to take a lot of time out of relationships after an abusive one to make yourself aware of how you like to live. When you are happy with your life and know what you want, find someone who agrees with that way of life and doesn't make you change what you do to suit them. They should be complimentary to your life, not change it massively.

Emotional abusers may be the way they are for a number of reasons, but one of those is that they were emotionally abused as a child, and to them it is normal human interaction.

If they can begin to see that what happened to them as a child was wrong, they can also start to change their own behaviour.

Are you to blame for your ex's bad treatment of you? No.

I disagree that they don't realise they are doing it. They are fully aware of what they are doing. They just don't care about how you feel. They will also deny knowledge of doing it so they don't have to come clean about what tactics they use to control you. It's another tactic to blame you, say you're mad, you're a nag, you make things up etc etc. It's effective because you then try your best to change and pander to their wishes as you think it must be you who is causing the problem, when in reality they know full well what they are doing, they just don't care that it makes you feel shit. In fact, the shittier you feel, the easier you are to control.

Ferris - I've had 2 EA relationships; one was physical as well. The physical is so much easier to deal with. I knew the recent relationship was over as I could see through his gas lighting; but I was only able to see what he was doing because of my previous experience of EA.

I'm glad to know (in a way) that it's not particular character traits / partners that trigger abusive behaviour from others. It's quite sad though that the general consensus is that they don't change in new relationships. Knowing that they are probably going to do that to another partner. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Hoping -I'm absolutely not thinking of getting back with him. I would likely vomit on him from stressing out if I saw him again.

Toe - I think I may be susceptible to abusive people, but I am learning a lot and have better boundaries... I go with in eyes wide open now

OP have you done the Freedom Programme?
After 2 abusive relationships you really do need to do it.
Try to attend in person.
Call Womens Aid and have a chat with them about it.
It will help you avoid abusive dick-heads in future!

My EA xh is exactly the same as his dad. He thinks how his dad behaves is how men are in relationships, and also expects women to be just like his mum (long suffering, co dependent, bullied)
Sadly he doesn't realise this is emotional abuse and is too narrow minded to realise there could be another way. All he has known is that he should always have the power, always win and always be right in relationships. Since women are second class, of course.

He admits this, he and his dad laughed about presenting a completely false personality to me for the first year of our relationship, because apparently that's how you get the women you want to like you

Took me a while to see how fucked up the whole family dynamic is. he will NEVER change. I am the fucked up one to him.....and his family.

I'm sure EA is caused by a number of factors and there are certainly a range of abusers as some would fit criteria for sociopaths etc.

I think my stbex is the way he is due to an abusive upbringing, he doesn't know 'normal' and when upset he has really negative responses such lack of empathy and loses all perspective.

He blames and then feels justified in being abusive as believes it's just self defense.
I believe my ex could change (cbt and dbt) but he would first have to have insight which he doesn't possess so would never seek the right treatment.
Denial and defensiveness are used by abusers to protect their sense of self but I think that then stops them from seeking help.

I ask think the EA doesn't often start straightaway, the triggers can be various so it's not partner specific but situation specific.

I am just trying too get out of an EA relationship and it's only now that I can see the extend of his behaviour.I feel it's damaged my ability to have another relationship as I have lost such trust that there are 'normal' people out there.

Nope, not unless they have a full frontal lobotomy.

Maybe.

My ex was EA. We got together me at 18, him 21. I was his first girlfriend. He lost the big V to me ect.
He was very immature and just didn't know how to handle us growing apart, so he clung on and in doing so became EA.

He got in contact with me out of the blue a few weeks ago. 7 Years have passed. Hes nearly 30 now. Straight up apologized. Recognized his behavior was out of order and wished me well with my current relationship.

Do I know if he's still EA? No but I can hope he's learnt. There's definitely a maturity there that wasn't there before.

Why can't I fix my ea stbxh? And what is their need for control? And why can't he admit his behaviour and trust me to help him?

Does anyone know any of these answers?

I miss the man I married so much. I ache for that person. Why can't he just be like that again?

I agree with other posters. my ex was emotionally abusive, but when I first got with him, I felt sorry for him, as he told me how crazy his ex girlf was!

He also has drug issues, so that was also a massive factor.

Our relationship turned into a carbon copy of theirs. year 1 = everything great. year 2= drugs started to become a problem, but his promises to give it up were believed by me. year 3 = of course he won't give up drugs, how dare I try to change him. I then blamed it all on myself and took full responsibility of the breakdown of the relationship. his mind games still shock me now,

I honestly believe that at 36 years old, he wont ever change, and his controlling and manipulative ways will continue into each relationship, as he thinks he is the best boyfriend in the world!

I guess other people may grow out of it though, but not in my experience.

They usually don't, no.

I do believe they can - because the behaviour is a choice, not something they're forced to do, so they could choose otherwise if they wanted to do that. But they don't want to, as a rule. They're getting something they want out of that behaviour - from their view, it's working out just fine.

But thats it. What can they possibly be getting out of their behaviour? That's what I dont understand. How it is better for them to be so, so horrible. Rather than just be nice.

I think people can change with really good therapy and a commitment to change.

I asked a few weeks ago did any realtionships survive ea, i was trying to have hope but in coming to think that i need to plan my escape and fairly quickly. Im not sure they can change and if they want to and in the meantime, women like me are being worn down and torn to shreds.

Somedays im fine, other days im a shadow of myself, i cant think or be, everything is shadowed and im losing myself.

Im fighting back and im a strong minded person but this type of abuse is so insidious and ongoing.

I honestly feel that even if they can change that you need to put yourself first or you will diminish and damage the person you are.

I dont know when im leaving or how and i dont even feel able to ask for help.

Here on mumsnet is the only time i mention it now and even then id rather be talking clothes and bags and pretending my life is peachy.

Ive mentioned it twice irl, one friend said was it really that bad and all couples argue and i felt judged and that i was not working hard enough to be a better wife and one friend just listened but after the previous judgement i didnt open up all that much.

I need help and will keep reading mumsnet, the lady who posted last week about a long marriage with controlling husband is inspirational, i hope her escape comes as soon as she has planned.