Do emotional abusers change?

[Mistykit]

Do you think emotional abusers continue to abuse in new relationships? Will they always be abusive or are they only that way with certain partners? I'm 4 months out of an EA relationship and curious is it something that is triggered in them (i.e. Will I trigger it in someone else who usually wouldn't be abusive) or are they inherently like that?

I found I attracted EA because it was what I was used to and had been conditioned to be used to growing up For me, putting others's needs first before my own was normal. A long time on my own and therapy has changed that but I also found a book called 'the Human Magnet Syndrome' on this topic very interesting (on amazon) and heard some of the author's talks on youtube I think.

They know exactly what they're doing

Mrs digestives, that's very interesting as I was taught to put everyone needs ahead of mine.

Ferris, looking at stbxh behaviour I believe he can't cope with his emotions and uses anger and control to protect himself.So if he's anxious he will lash out, if he feels abandonment he will lash out.He deals with negative emotions through anger, as anger often has an adrenalin and you end up feeling more powerful.stbxh also believes you are controlled or you control as he grew up with an unhealthy view of relationships.

The brain can rewire, as has recently been discovered, but it takes insight, motivation and lots of effort.

I don;t think it's possible for most people to change, let alone people who use EA tactics.

IME, people EA because that's how they were taught, as children, to make sure that the people they love don't leave them. most have a massive fear of being abandoned so they will do anything, even hurt someone dreadfully, in order to keep them from leaving.

my exH said to my face that he had "tried to break my legs to keep me from running away" - metaphorically speaking. he never hit me but he could be vicious and broke me down over many years.

i think the vast majority of EA men (and women) have no idea, in the moment, what they are doing - they are doing what comes naturally to them. what they learned as children and what's worked for them so far.

possibly some can gain insight into their behaviour when they look back on its effects. but, even with that insight, maybe 1 in a 10,000 can make a significant change to their style of being in a rs.

i had to leave my dh for his own good. if i had stayed he would never have got enough distance from his behaviour to see it for what it was. even so, not sure he still retains the insights he had at the time that i left. i expect he's reverted to type and will never change.

I'd say an emotional abuser won't change, they like the response to their abuse, that it shows them the receiver is vulnerable, weaker than them, and can be controlled.
Like all bullys, they are weak, they need the ego trip of damaging someone else in order to prove to themselves that they are stronger than their victim.

This is why when you finally stand up to an emotional abuser, you can be in great danger, they can't face that you are actually stronger than them, and they move on to physical violence.

I’ve only just identified that my husband is emotionally abusive. We’ve been together for 17 years. We had a conversation about it last night and he’s promised to change and get counselling to learn new coping strategies but how long do I give him before I ask him to leave?!? I feel I owe him a chance to change for his sake and so I feel I given him a chance. Also for our two daughters aged 9 and 11(autistic) who would not understand why. I’ve told him the balls in his court - he changes or goes. But how long do I give him?