At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

Not on a four month stint as OP said.

It seems to me he doesn't want you to exist outside of him. So when he needs you to meet him, you must appear like a genie. When he doesn't have time for you because he's away, then you must disappear. You are not allowed feelings, needs, etc when it is inconvenient for him.

He enjoyed playing happy families with you for a while, but he has a new game now so you and your DD can get back in your box until next time he wants to play.

He doesn't sound like a great bloke who was under pressure while he was away, TBH, as he was pretty abusive when he was home.

I don't think you need to feel guilty or unsupportive.

I think you may be having a lucky escape from someone who would carry on like this indefinitely. Much easier for your DD now than later. Make you and DD happy this Christmas, with your family. Have a break from men. And don't let the next one into DDs life, she is better off with a fully committed Mum than with part time boyfriend/dads.

No you absolutely cannot drive someone to abusive behaviours. None of the responsibility for him treating you like shit was yours.

yestocarrots I'm just posting right now to get this out as I feel so alone and despondent. He doesn't care about my pain. I can't bring myself to block him etc I just don't have the strength.

You do. I can assure you do. You are a woman of immeasurable strength, you just haven't realised it yet.

Please believe me when I wrote earlier about the weight lifting when you take control and make positive actions to help yourself. I am living proof if you want any!

Like ripping off a plaster. Takes a second and it's done. Use the hurt and pain and misery he's caused you to spur you on.

He never loved you. So there was no 'love' to turn off.

He used you. He came round when he felt like it. Got to play happy families and 'Daddy' with your child when he felt like it. Then when it got boring all he needed to do was manufacture a row, tell you that you didn't understand his work stress because he was putting his life on the line for Queen and Country, then bugger off and take up residence in someone else's bed until it was time to return to Camp. And if you're wondering how it was possible for him to meet someone else, what about nights out? Social media? Friends of friends? If he could be charming then it's the work of a few hours to chat someone up and sweep them off their feet. I strongly suspect that you were not the only woman he was 'dating'.

You do have the strength to block him. You need to realise that he thinks you are weak and pathetic - and every time you text him, call him, beg him to come back, it reinforces his belief that you are weak and pathetic. Find your self-respect. What on earth would you say if your DD was in this position and being treated this way?

You really need to do the Freedom Programme. You can't drive someone to abusive behaviours - and the fact that you are wondering this means that you really do need some counselling, pronto.

It's because he used to be so different. I knew him when he was 20 before we lost touch for a few years (and he joined the army) and he was a sensitive lovely guy who could knee jerk react but essentially was not cold or selfish. When we first got together and I had my little dd he was a really great friend to me and wanted to look after us both. I accepted that he was away in the week and that he might want to see mates on weekends too because he had a life so dominated by work. I did start to get bothered that I was facilitating his London social life that didn't necessarily include me, and that due to him living away we basically had to "move in together" straight away as he would come and stay at weekends, but he didn't financially contribute (this did improve jn terms of him giving me about £100 a month but only after some difficult conversations that took a while for him to see my viewpoint.) But he could be lovely and he did travel to see me almost every weekend and I really enjoyed our time together. I genujnely felt we had built something strong by the time he went away for 4 months that if I tried to express my honest feelings about finding it hard when he was away, he wouldn't immediately get angry and accuse me of painting him into a corner. He was so angry at the idea that he wasn't fulfilling my needs. I can't lie and say I don't feel bad for having those needs- particularly as he kept saying he was in a war zone (highly secure part of it though) and that I was "making it worse". But it seems he decided not to come back and sort it out because I had broken it in his mind. I don't believe he waited til he was back in the UK to book his 2 week Far East holiday - that's what he said, he said he was going to book a holiday with me but the fact I wouldn't meet him that Friday showed him I had no empathy and didn't love him so he made other arrangements. But it's possible he booked that far east trip without me while he was even still posted abroad. It's possible like pps have said that he was chatting up Facebook friends or even colleagues while on tour. I asked him when he was back if he had been with anyone else and he said no sounding so sincere. He made me believe he had loved me and wanted us right up till that week when he got back and I couldn't meet when he said. When I asked why he didn't let me come and meet him at the airfield as I had requested he said he had been too stressed to sort it out. Sounds like BS now. I need to get my head round the idea that he didn't have the innate love and desire to make it work with us. I think a lot of my stress when he went on tour was around insecurity that he capitalised on before he went- that I needed him, that I was a bad girlfriend who could be easily left, that my needs or stress levels were always going to come second to his.

After he came back from his post tour holiday he accused me of having not contacted him because I had been pursuing someone else. I had a couple of weekend trips booked well In advance as he said this showed I couldn't have missed him. But none of this could be further from the truth. I was confused about what the hell happened, had no desire to meet someone else (let alone the time or practical means), and I only booked the trips when I thought he wouldn't speak to me again. After we slept together again I offered to cancel one of the trips and he told me no, but I know deep down it bothered him and possibly helped trigger his ultimate dumping.

For those of you who mentioned I could have stayed on his camp he made it sound out of the question. Since we spent all weekend together most weekends I don't know if he could have had 2 relationships. It is mildly possible he always stayed in touch with his ex from before me who he said never argued with him but just didn't appreciate him enough.

I feel so jumbled. Sorry- just trying to work this all through.

And he owed it to me to just see me, or call me, make some proper effort when he got back. That's what I need to 100% believe. That I was worth that at least. Not some brief text message long after he had started his journey back to the UK.

Keep thinking it through. Keep talking to us. At some point you will have a lightbulb moment that he is not, and never was, worth this much upset. The incident that upset your mum was really vile and unnecessary, IMO. There aren't enough excuses/reasons in the world for you to put up with this. Start planning a lovely Christmas with your family for your DD. Sod him.

Google Cognitive Dissonance OP. I hope you feel better soon.

The more you tell us about him the worse he sounds. I know in your head it was a huge two year romance but it really wasn't. He only saw you on the weekends (when he wasn't out with his mates) and he was away at work for long periods of time too. If you add up the time together it can't have been much.

The fact he was 'nice' to you sometimes is really meaningless as he was a shit to you the rest of the time.

Both your last partners were nasty shits. Don't make this a lifetime pattern. It's not fair on your DD. Don't rush into a relationship next time and take things REALLY REALLY slowly and if any new partner starts behaving badly then DUMP him. You are too much of a soft touch and you don't seem to see things clearly. Not one person on your thread has had anything positive to say about your EX partner.

It's time for a reality check and time to start concentrating on your DD and yourself.

It isn't often here on MN that there is a thread with over 150 posts all saying exactly the same thing and giving the same advice, so please listen carrots.

The more you write about him, the clearer it becomes that he was a major user, staying with you in London at weekends but only contributing £100 per month and that only after some rows, going on holiday without you and making it seem your fault that he did so....
Most tellingly though is that he accused you of seeing someone else. This is textbook abuser behaviour, blaming the victim for something the abuser themself is doing.

Try to focus on doing Christmas things with your little daughter, make a stocking full of small treats for her, the two of you opening it together on Christmas morning, will wipe away a lot of your pain.

OP - are you able to take in any of the good advice you've been given on this thread? I really hope you do ... it's Xmas next week. You owe it to your DD to man up (in the nicest possible way)

woman up even (don't start MN)

Sometimes I felt like he didn't like me. But is it possible he never even loved me. It's the little things- the hanging up or storming out he would do when I was visibly upset, the lack of thought (a perfume I already had for my birthday and Christmas, never random little gifts or surprises- which I did for him a lot and he appreciated), the not discussing our future or whether we would look at moving the relationship forward/ending the LTR.) I don't want to think he didn't love me truly as he always said it. But maybe it was a lot of convenience and little investment for him so easy to move on when he wanted.
I could be a nightmare I think. Emotional easily, worried about him straying (this came from the fact that I found out he didn't break up with his ex before he had been seeing me over a month), hurt by things like him disappearing with no contact over the Xmas/new year period when we were early days together, the fact he would come and go as if we lived together when he supposedly had come to see me. But don't think I am a saint. Once in a row I threw his clothes out of the window when he said "fuck you" to me and started to leave. I also had to go quickly on the phone when he called from tour to tell me his grandad died because my horrible boss was sitting by me and it was a bad day to take personal calls in front of him- I deeply regret this as I should have just gone outside and he later said he felt like I didn't give a shit about him . I did send flowers to his mum and talk to him outside of work that day. I couldn't stop reacting devastated when he was aggressive to me, I know my emotionalness bothered him, but I think my situation magnified those feelings. I know I was good to him a lot of times. I did feel like I was falling out of love because of the swearing and aggressive confrontations and the fact that he didn't feel the need to particularly impress me. he always got a warm welcome, nice weekend plans, sex, blow jobs, I always planned our holidays completely, he spent Xmas and a free holiday with my family, I gave him little things all the time, arranged babysitting for us to go out even when dd was tiny, always wanted to talk on the phone or help him when he was down.
Yes I am taking note of each and every response here. I have started Xmas shopping for dd and got some decs today. I just really need to process it all.

You are not to blame carrots

He has used you. You sound lovely. He sounds undeserving ... take each day as it comes though. You'll look back in a few months time and wonder why you were so down about him

YesToCarrots All the extra information you keep posting changes nothing. It was a crap relationship and he is a nasty immature git. Wistfully agonizing over whether he might have loved you or not is ridiculous.

I understand that you are going to feel sorry for yourself but you have to use some common sense about this. You haven't got the luxury of being able to wallow in self pity as you have a daughter to think about.

I could be a nightmare I think. Emotional easily

I once cried because my OH put ketchup on my dinner for me. I wanted to do it myself and so it was "wrong". CRIED!

But he just loves me all the more for my daftness at stuff like that, he doesn't make me hate my own being and punish myself.

To be horribly clear, your chap never loved you. He used you as much as he could, then shat on you from a great height and extent in order to use you some more. If he wasn't such a cunt to people like you, you'd feel absolute pity for his miserable little existence.

Knowone I am not trying to wallow in self pity at all. This whole situation has made me doubt my memory, my perception, my goodness, my motives everything. Much of what happened between me and him has never been told to anyone else and I have never heard an alternative perspective. I am sorry if you think I am self pitying or feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to make sense of an absolute mess which has left me absolutely mentally scarred.

You've got a lot to think about and you are asking the right questions. Did he ever really love you? Maybe not enough, as his behaviour has been pretty ropey from the start.

Are you a nightmare to be with? No, I don't think so! You did many lovely things for him, welcomed him into your life and family. He didn't return the favour and made you feel bad for expecting anything from you at all. I don't assume I can speak to my DH at work. I did not take a call about my DF's cancer diagnosis in front of my boss. No one expected me to.

I think he has taught you that you are a nightmare, because he doesn't want you to expect anything from him. Don't believe him. He isn't trustworthy.

Each time you tell us more you seem to remember more times when he has behaved badly, so keep going! Every time you post, it becomes clearer that he is an arse and that you deserve better. Keep it up. We can all see it, soon you will see it too.

Where are you having Christmas dinner this year? At your mum's? Is she coming to you? Get planning, it helps to know what to look forward to!

I think you sound like you struggle to let things go. I had a boyfriend like this, always going on about our past interactions and trying to analyse everything and get answers to stuff I could barely remember and certainly didn't care about.

Maybe he'd just had enough of what you, yourself say was a very fraught and high maintenance relationship and seized a chance to end it. Maybe the break when he was on deployment made him realise he just didn't want to come back to the high drama.

I never say this but I do find myself wondering about your daughter when you're so very occupied in nit picking over this relationship. You've been involved with and stressed out by this man/relationship all that time, there's never been a time when she's just had you to herself seemingly without your mind being elsewhere. I think you need to start focussing on her and not some bloke that was no great shakes at all from what you're saying.

Also, I have known many soldiers. His keeping you apart from his army life indicates to me he that he was not being monogamous with you. If he had been serious about you, he would have involved you in his life there.

Msgameandwatch he could then have had the decency to end it when he came back respectfully. Not insidiously trying to turn it all on me and then sleeping with me, professing love and everything, then dumping me horribly yet again. It wasn't a very high maintenance relationship for him - he just had to show up, and he didn't always do that. His lack of actions matching words was enough to drive me to extreme stress but he always blamed me for that.
My dd is fine if anyone is concerned. She has always had a lot of love and a nice home.

Any relationship that drives you to extreme stress should be ended, I am not sure why you carried on with it when you were getting so little out of it. Nothing can be said or done to change the outcome now, all you can do is let it go. It sounds to me like you've had two years with someone who was rarely there for you - physically or mentally, he wasn't where or how you wanted him to be so you should have ended it. The energy and head space you've wasted on this non starter should have and should be with your child. I won't comment again as I don't want to upset you but I think you are wallowing as a previous poster said and you need to pick yourself up and shut it down. Personally I find that no contact AT ALL is the best way to get over someone and that includes giving them any part of your head space.

OP it sounds to me very much that your first priority should be to get professional help for the eating disorders which are utterly awful (I know) and colour your whole life in an appalling way. This man is horribly manipulative when you need someone supportive in your life - you are worth so much better and you must rebuild your self-worth somehow so you believe that deep inside. Please just focus on your health and your dd.

If you want to help yourself OP read a book called Intercourse by Andrea Dworkin. That will give you more understanding of what he is doing to you how a woman is treated in a mans world. I have read up to chapter 4 this chapter talks about Joan of Arc. Men and their swords and they how they use them against a woman. You need to start loving and respecting yourself and treating yourself well. Once that happens you'll stop meeting dick heads and you will meet a nice man. As you are you are only going to attract using idiots. A man will say anything to get into your knickers and you must learn that.

Oh do fuck off HorridHenry. What a sexist and quite frankly revolting thing to say. Not all men will 'say anything to get into your knickers'.

The work you are suggesting by Dworkin is quite frankly less helpful than accessing counselling. AD wrote some fantastic work - including 'Intercourse', but I don't agree with her theories of sex as possession in all cases and there are plenty of feminists who would agree with me (as well as others who would disagree). Quite frankly recommending this to someone who is reeling from the immediate aftermath of an abusive relationship, is bonkers.

As you are you are only going to attract using idiots

What a fucking vile and spiteful thing to say. If you can't say anything helpful then say nothing at all.