At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

No matter who said what or who was to blame, your relationship didn't work. He didn't treat you right or put your first and it isn't worth putting yourself through all of this heartache for. You are better off now, you can move on and be happy.

Well done, carrots, you have made so much progress. I can identify so much with your way of seeing things, but that is our own lack of self-esteem. The only person this man's behaviour reflects on is himself. You need to work on your self-respect. Even if nobody in the entire world loved you that would still not take away from your worth.

Nobody has mentioned the Freedom Programme yet. I haven't taken it because I don't live in the UK, but it is affordable and will help you going forward. Everyone on mumsnet who has taken it, swears by it.

No. He was a liar before you even got together. And didnt reassure you when if he cared, he would have.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Rearranging my living room really helped. I still feel sick when I wake up on weekends and think about how briefly it was all ok between us and now he's gone again. I am back on NC. Getting the Xmas tree today. Making a New Years plan with a friend as I know I will spend it agonising about him hooking up with someone else otherwise.
Rereading the posts on here helps so much. It makes me see how much of what he says is excuses like the army being too stressful/long hours, or me being too hard to deal with. He even said the other night in the phone call that he was being redeployed in January which I don't even believe for a second as he was already getting posted somewhere else in the UK and it seemed out of the blue. I can't trust him and I know he lies.
Going to try and relax tonight and not worry about him going out and meeting girls.

Your little daughter will love to see Santa, let's hope her smiles cheer you up too!
Well done on going to see your Mum, you need family support to help you through difficult times.

You say "there's an outside chance it's a back burner thing for me". You are wrong there, as it's not an outside chance, it's a dead certainty. He is a user, and always has been.

Please don't agree to see him after Christmas, or you will be back at square one again and sucked once more into his nasty games.
But of course you will have blocked his number before that can be arranged.

There've been a few mentions of the Freedom Programme, and I also think it would do you a lot of good. You can do it on line, so that would help fill up your evenings.

I don't get him at all. As much as he has instigated everything he doesn't seem to want to put the final nails in the coffin as it were. Hasn't given my keys back, and he texted today to say if he could make it to meet me tomorrow, he would-- but his schedule is so busy and mysterious apparently he doesn't have to give a vague idea of when and presumably imagines/assumes I just have no Sunday plans or that I'm on tenterhooks waiting for him to confirm either way. It's kind of insulting. Clearly my reaction to the breakup has given him a huge ego boost and I'm a second class citizen he can string along. If he wanted to just end it he would be more strident and tell me no and not to contact him again. Ot maybe he just likes being the nice guy/has guilt.
It's Saturday night and i can't help thinking about Saturday nights when things were calm and good. Even just 3 weeks ago when he was here. My whole world is turned upside down.
Got to put the tree up..

You will be on tenterhooks for the rest of your life unless you block his number now!

Got to put the tree up..

....but not before you BLOCK THE BASTARD!

Text him one last time to tell him to post the keys through your letterbox and then block the bastard and go out tomorrow and do something nice.

This joke did you a favour. Forget the dead wood and find someone worth your time and energy. And have a good Xmas with your daughter. She is the important one.
Get more help for your bulimia, too. New year/new life.

I wouldn't worry about getting the keys back from a wierdo creep like him. I'd get the lock changed. If it's a barrel lock you can easily do it yourself.

Texting him about it just continues the angst'ing and drama and even though you are confused surely you must agree that it's painful and pointless dragging this out.

Block him NOW

He didnt end it properly bevause hes a player and wants to keep you warm. Stop clinging on to any hope. It is done, hes gone. Thank fuck!

If you don't just change the locks and block him, you risk undoing all the hard work you've put in so far. He will probably be either drunk or bored over the holidays, and decide to amuse himself by messing with your head. Do you really want that?

He's keeping you on stand by. If his plans go awry you're the fall back. It is insulting. Don't accept it. Change locks, block number

I know you are right about me being on standby but I also think he can't get round the idea in his head of being the bad guy (this is why I am almost 100% sure he has someone else in the picture despite denying it since we started talking again.) With his ex from before me he had pretty much justified that he cheated on her because the relationship was stale and she didn't appreciate him enough. I don't know why at the time I didn't see this as a screaming red flag. I don't think he wants to confront the fact that he has handled this so badly and been so fickle yet again. Although apparently he has gone from relationship to relationship in this way since he was 18.

Why are you so concerned with what he thinks and gets angry about?

Why don't you focus on what you think?

It's all going to happen again and again. Unless you stop it because he won't stop it.

Wonky I guess I thought I knew him so well and understood him. I now feel like I may have had him wrong all along and its devastating

It is utterly devastating. You think you know someone. You trust them. You believe in them and what they say.

I haven't read the whole thread but it was so obvious from your OP that this bloke was taking you for a ride - and was no good for you. I could see though that you were making excuses for him and blaming yourself and I skimmed all the posts on the first few pages telling you the truth about this man and your relationship. I hoped that you would be able to see that none of this was your fault. Reading on about you contacting him and showing how emotionally needy you were and desperately trying to cling on to this phoney relationship made me think that you weren't going to see through this abusive man.......and THEN it looks like you might have started the process of disentangling yourself from him and can see that he is just using you and there will be nothing but hurt if you continue..............I really hope so. You sound so nice and deserve SO much better. Have a look on Amazon - there's a book called "Women who love too much" (can;t remember who wrote it) but might save you from getting into abusive relationships in future. I do hope so.

Youre only human.
We all make mistakes.
We know you werent the first to fall for his lines, and you wont be the last.
This too shall pass.

Oh dear, you need to do some serious work on yourself. If it wasn't this guy causing you angst, it would be another because you seem to have no idea how to take care of yourself.

You really need to put the relationship drama to one side and focus on building your physical and emotional health. Harder to do than say I know but honestly you come across as deeply insecure and physically fragile.

If you cannot do it fir yourself, do it for your daughter.

Do you want her to grow up to mimic your behaviour or to grow up strong and independent?

Show her what love means, not abuse.

Thanks for the comments. It is true that I need to sort myself out. I don't want to get in another relationship any time soon (unlike him who knee jerks from one to another). I want to feel strong on my own. I guess if i didn't fancy him and miss our life together that would be easier but at the moment I can't help looking at photos of him occasionally and just missing him so much despite it all. It was so abrupt and yet drawn out, I felt really sad when he went on tour and then had to feel it all over again when he came back and was suddenly so discarding of me. It's all just such a shock. But I have tried this weekend. No texting, put up the tree and all the decs, did some Xmas shopping and even managed to find a dress for my work Xmas do this week. I'm quite looking forward to that. It doesn't take the sadness away but I really am trying. I haven't felt much like eating but weirdly that's sort of ok because I was bingeing and purging before and now I have broken the binge cycle for literally the first time in about 6 months.

2017 is going to be the year carrots finds herself and kicks arse!

Have you signed up for the freedom program yet?

Having such a bad day today. Found myself looking at photos of him last night and just feeling so sad. This is all just too much. I can go through the motions but I feel so dumped and he barely even took the time to cancel on me yesterday even though I knew it would have been a stupid idea to see him. It's painfully obvious he is seeing/thinking of someone else and it hurts so much. Reading back over the texts that led us here and cannot get my head round how he decided to throw us away because I wouldn't see him that day. Didn't I deserve more than a text? Shoulnt he have just fucking called me to sort it out, or insisted we speak, instead of storming off via text and then moving on from me? Just need to get this out I feel like I'm screaming inside. I even had a 2nd chance and managed to blow it by a text, despite him having said he loved me, despite him having spent 2 further weekends with me and my daughter. It's so cold it's awful. I've seen photos of him on holiday just a week after he dumped me and he looks like he's having the time of his life, selfies, parties etc. while I was confused and wondering if I would hear from him again. I just feel so rejected.

You really need to delete those texts, carrots, you could and probably would, spend hours and hours replaying this in your head. How would that ever help you? You are just one side of this relationship - he was the other. You can't know what is/was going on in his head so you can't resolve it. Any replaying is just messing with your head and wasting your time.

You think you had a 2nd chance did you? Let me tell you that you DIDN'T. In an actual relationship, where two people are on the same page, you don't need these 'chances', they are always there, just do-overs that we have every day with people that we love. You never had this with this man and I wish you could see that.

It's the week before Christmas, New Year is coming up and I'm imploring you to give yourself just an hour a day at bedtime when your child isn't around, to dwell on this man. The rest of the time you will focus on you and your child - not him. He's not worthy of your thoughts or time any longer.

Delete those texts, block him from sending you anymore - and you'll be free. Easy to say, difficult to do, I know, but you really have to get a grip of yourself because at the moment, he is getting everything from you and you are getting nothing but heartache in return.