At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

In case anyone is worried I'm not trying to feel better- I really am. I have rearranged some furniture in my flat tonight. I know that sounds a bit random but it helps feel like a new place where I won't just sit paralysed by memories. I've sorted out dd's toys. I researched presents for her online this lunchtime. and best of all I put up some Xmas decs tonight. She was so happy. I put Xmas playlist on YouTube so I wouldn't be looking at old messages. I got through this evening and actually achieved stuff.

You are all right and I know I will get to a better point than I am now but it still just hurts so fucking much. I waited for him when he was posted out there never dreaming he would abandon me when he came back. It seems he has moved on so fast and it's like he can't stand me. He told me j need professional help and need to stop being so upset "all the time". Maybe so but he knew about my PND and eating disorder ages ago it was like he chose to ignore it. I always felt like we had this love that would transcend everything how could I Have been so wrong. I know he will tell his next gf that I'm his crazy ex and I'll jjst be an almost joke to him. Or an object of pity. It's awful. I am at least proud that I have thrown myself into work this week. If I didn't have work I would be so much worse.

He is a liar and a cheat. I must remember this.

You do sound better, talking about real things, now t.hings. Keep it up. Keep planning Christmas, build some bridges with DSis and DM. Keep those Christmas carols on the radio. Make paper chains, anything to stay busy!

I honestly could write some of this post myself! I've gone through all my stuff several times, thrown everything away that he bought me or things in the house that reminds me of him. Thrown even the shitty teddies away he got our boy. I threw my favourite lamp away cos I was mad with it lol. I've decorated my kitchen and money permitting I plan on doing lots more! Make it my own space. I can't look at some of my clothes, makes me feel sick when I think ahh I wore this on such a d such day etc. But trying to block it out and say to myself no, that's my fucking top, just cos I wore it when we were on love having fun, I probably wore it while he was treating me like an absolute treat as well!

Yes vonny it's so hard reclaiming your life, your home, the clothes thing I totally get. I just found Xmas decorations we made together last year when I was getting the stuff out and I couldn't stand to look at them. I am finding all the Christmassy stuff in London hard to bear and all the couples walking around together enjoying it. I'm dreading this weekend. I know if he were here we would go and get the tree an decorate it, drink mulled wine, watch our favourite series. No use thinking on it but I just don't know how it can be gone to him. Why did he throw us away so easily and go off on holiday and move on without giving us a chance. The idea I could have hurt someone that much who before leaving for tour 4 months earlier had been saying he loved me more than anything in the world and would never do anything to jeopardise us. I know I need to just cut him out, and I feel like I am Gathering the strength but it's when they were your best friend and the person who hugged you and made you feel safe. I think for me I have realised that I'm terrified that I push people away or that it's all my fault, going way back to stuff with my dad. I never really thought about that. Never believed that true love would always be there for you and know the good in you and not threaten to leave you.
My flat looks better than it has for absolutely ages so that's good. The words of encouragement really helped!

Grrr at him telling you that you were 'upset all the time' . If he wasn't such a nasty manipulative git then I'm sure you wouldn't be upset

Well done for keeping yourself busy today. . It will take a while but it will get easier.

In the meantime please, please delete his contact details. Personally, I'd delete all his old messages etc too but maybe they can act as a reminder of what a nasty, lying, cheating manipulative man he is.

Carrots , I'm really pleased for you and your achievements today. Look at the progress you've made in the last 24 hours.
That glimmer of positivity will just keep on growing.
Be careful of those rose tinted glasses , Remember also before he was posted away he was also a twat, acting twatish but kept you hanging with nuggets of niceness.
He and your bulimia are intertwined. Both self harming.
Plase do something nice for yourself tomorrow .
Take care

"I know if he were here we would go and get the tree and decorate it, drink mulled wine, watch our favourite series."
..... Or more likely he would go out on the lash with his mates, leaving you all alone. When he got back he would spend some time telling you how useless you were, he'd shout a lot too. When you got bed, he'd find that he was inadequate in that department, blame you, shout a lot more and storm out of the house leaving you in tears.

Well done on starting to change the house to make it your own space.

Extra well done on starting some Christmas things. Your little girl will be delighted, and let's hope some of her delight and joy rubs off on you too.

Aww at least you sound more positive about getting rid. It's so hard when all you want to be is in their arms. I feel like I've lost half of me, the stuff we enjoyed together I feel so lonely in that respect. I went to Blackpool to see the illuminations 4 days after he dumped me. We were supposed to be all going 2 days earlier but I cancelled, then I had a 'good' day and thought sod this, I want my little boy to see the lights, so I rebooked it a different day and we went! I felt sick driving there, thinking he would be driving and what we would be listening to etc. Sean Paul's song rockabye came on for first time I'd heard it and I absolutely cried my eyes out! But we got there and we got on with it we had such a brilliant time the following day we stopped longer than I intended cos we were enjoying it so much.
On the way home that same song came on and I sang my heart out to it happy as Larry! I was really strong until the last couple of weeks.
But I have booked us to go to butlins next week. I'm absolutely excited to bits to see my boys face, but at the same time my heart skips a beat thinking about our last trip when the ex came, thinking about what we did, where we stood. It makes me feel sick but I am fighting with all my strength to replace all the memories with the shit head and make our own. He was a miserable twat most of the time there. Moaning how expensive and shit everything is. So I'm thinking of that every time I have a lump in my throat or tear in my eye

yestocarrots I know if he were here we would go and get the tree an decorate it, drink mulled wine, watch our favourite series.

No, that is what you WANT to happen in your dream of what-could-be-land. As Allalonenow has already said, what is far, far, FAR more likely (almost guaranteed in fact) is that he'd:

• Engineer an argument about something ridiculous
• Make you feel shit about something he's made up about you
• Simply not turn up and leave you hanging
• Some other cruel and spiteful thing that floats his boat that particular day.

You know that deep down, don't you.

Thats progress! You say you stopped wearing makeup when you were with him. Do you still have the makeup? If so put some on. I think its unlikely that youll be able to get a haircut before xmas but please book yourself an appt.

Id also research local events or similar for january for you and dd to go to so you have something to look forward to.

Have you spoken to your mum or sister yet? Please do so.

Lets find the best bits of the old you and use them to create a fabulous new you.

My husband did 16 years in the army, now he does Bomb Disposal for a de-mining charity. He's currently in Syria (also works in Somaliland, Cambodia, Ivory Coast etc) and still phoning, texting etc everyday. Don't make excuses. The army isn't the reason. He just sounds like a playboy. For you and your daughters sake draw a line under it and move on. You'll both be happier and healthier for it!

Yes you're right, things were never perfect like I planned. It was like j always trying to make him see me as the right woman, his apathy about me or just thoughtlessness often hurt more than the harsh words. He would complain about money, he would always make me feel a bit like he was missing out on some exciting life by being in with me and dd. but I really wasn't perfect, I engineered stupid arguments too. But I loved him, or I thought I did, maybe I didn't. I never really thought about that before. Maybe neither of us really wanted it to work in the long term.
My dd was so excited when she saw the decorations it was amazing. I am trying to just focus on doing things for her when i feel overcome. Cooking and bath time and stories and colouring with her. It does help. Still lingering at the back of my mind: despite evidence from a long time about his fundamental character (cheating, lying, tight with money, verbally abusive, quick to anger, lack of empathy), could we have made it work in different circumstances. I do believe people can change, I feel like I have. I am very aware of my issues though and read a lot of books and articles on how to reframe my actions/thoughts as I am quite interested in self improvements. One thing I will probably regret is going cold/wanting a break when he was on tour but I think that was self preservation because the mainly-text communication was not working for either of us. I was so all over the place mentally and he was too over there. He is angry that I shut down on him but i wish he had just been understanding when I expressed how hard I was finding it. It blew my mind that he never even cared about the health issues j started having, he acted like it wasn't happening. When I said at the time I was worried it could be pregnancy he spitefully said on the phone "we haven't had sex in months so it can't be" (we had sex the day before he went so that wasn't true.) just wish he would own the fact that it was wrong not to bother to see me when he got back. Coulda woulda shoulda.
This thread has stopped me texting him or drafting texts/emails to him for the first time. I am on 36 hours of no contact.

yestocarrots I am on 36 hours of no contact.

Well done! I know it is hard but you can do this - you have proven to yourself you can. You are a good, strong caring woman and mother. Don't ever forget that.

Buy yourself new lipstick and nail varnish today and use it!

Sounds like you're on the up. Baby steps but DO NOT SEE HIM!

Honey you need to watch this. Its work safe.

I'm sure everyone will say this is for the best, but he just texted saying he is too busy to meet me and then is away for Xmas. I know it is for the best. I know I would have had a hideous time if I met him. But it has plunged me back into pain and panic. I was breaking down on the phone the other night and it's right before Christmas and he is absolutely cold, as though I am dead to him, he knows how sick and hurt this new rejection would make me feel. I know someone who is this cold and made such a dramatic transformation from sex and professions of love, to absolute apathy, is not worth it. But it just hurts so much. I spent so long agonising about how I might have hurt him and he couldn't give a shit if I'm hurt. It's so transparent that he's obviously got someone else now and j am no longer relevant. I need strength from somewhere.

Take a look at your daughters happy face. There's your strength x

Tell him thanks for letting me know I am busy anyway over Christmas. I am seeing some very good friends. You are politely telling him where to go with out lowering your standards. He thinks you have know one please tell him where to go.

Better still block your number from this creep.

Focus on your little daughter, your own health and your career, they are where you will find your strength.
Get in contact with your mother, no mother would turn away her daughter at Christmastime.

But most of all BLOCK HIS NUMBER, that will be an act of unparalleled liberation for you.

Don't reply to his text.

When me and my OH got together he was in the infantry. It is hard because unfortunately as you found out army comes first 100% of the time. When he was on training or away it was really really hard for contact, the odd txt here and there. It was very rare I got a call. But hey he was working, what could he do? Call me under fire? Life for them is really tough sometimes, some of the things they do and see is horrendous and Yh at barracks if he's in a four man room or a single room, generally females aren't allowed on site unless your married/ also oh just said it depends on how well he knew the guys in the guard room! However saying all this, your ex sounds like a complete d**k and you are well shot of him by the sounds of it! Try and focus on you and your little one. GL to you in the future hun

This is why you need to block him. He still has this power to destroy all your good work. You have so much potential and have come further than you think!