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Original poster

Have I made the right decision? (sorry long)

39 replies

Feelbad5 · 11/12/2016 19:05

I feel very bad and like a bad person; I'll explain why.

About six weeks ago I left my partner of almost 6 years convinced I was going to start a new life with this man who moved here from overseas. I wasn't entirely convinced about things but I was ready to give it a shot.

He left his home there thinking he was gonna start a new, better life here marrying me (initially to be able to stay but with the intention of staying together to see if we were really meant to be forever as silly as it sounds).
Right after landing he started saying that he wasn't sure he was gonna stay because it had become apparent to him that the UK doesn't offer the same financial support with education as his country, where he told me he could get grants to study. At this point I was a bit shocked because I had invested financially in a place of my own to embark on this and spent quite a bit, as well as being taken by surprise by his wanting to suddenly study when he was talking about finding a job here all along.
During the last day together he then told me all this was due to him being disorientated the first days and missing home. That's understandable but he kept telling me until a few days ago that he wasn't sure about staying or going back on the date his return ticket was for (the original plan was that he wouldn't use that and marry me so he could get to stay) so it wasn't just the first few days of adjusting. I never got the impression he had been impressed by England either.

The date of his return was today. He got on the plane and is on it at the moment, flying back home.

We spent all yesterday talking about it. He had decided to stay but I had concluded I didn't want to get married without any guarantees for the future. He kept telling me with no guy I could be 100% sure the marriage would last forever and kept asking me what I wanted him to do, putting all the pressure on me. I ended up telling him I wanted him to stay as I was feeling really bad about it, seeing how disappointed and hurt he seemed and since he was adamant that I was sending him back and that he would never want to see me in person again (he said he'd keep in touch online but just that). Talking and talking he seemed to think I was pushing him to go as I wasn't budging on the marriage matter.
I feel like a bad person for letting him down like that. I didn't want him to go like that. I just don't want to marry and then divorce for stupid reasons because we rushed it. I needed some reassurance that he wasn't ready to give me. At the airport we both got emotional. He kept saying how on the plane here he had thought he was going towards a new life and he was instead going back and that he didn't expect me to let him go.
Sorry if I sound silly but I'm feeling really guilty right now. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 11/12/2016 19:08

I think you've had a lucky escape

Why would you think marrying someone you'd only met online would be a good idea?

BaDumShh · 11/12/2016 19:10

Is this for real?! Hmm

TheHiphopopotamus · 11/12/2016 19:10

Had you met him in person before he moved over here? What country was he from?

Original poster
Feelbad5 · 11/12/2016 19:14

Yes it's for real. No, we met here and lived together for 6 weeks.

OP posts:
TheHiphopopotamus · 11/12/2016 19:21

So you left your partner of 6 years for someone you met online and the first time you met in person was when you were moving in together?

I think you need to bin the online relationship and forget about it now he's gone home and spend some time on your own.

As for him not being able to promise that the marriage would be forever Confused It sounds like he was after a visa or passport tbh (unless he was from an EU country).

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/12/2016 19:23

Sounds like you had a lucky escape. I can't understand why anyone would think it even faintly a good idea to marry a man they had never met before. It sounds likely that he was planning to marry for citizenship and then, for whatever reason, got cold feet.

You do realise you can get into trouble marrying someone for those reasons? Also that lifelong relationships are best entered into with someone you know really, really well? How old are you?

kiwipie · 11/12/2016 19:25

That was a bit silly wasn't it?

You sound like a fool, and you shouldn't feel guilty about the lad trying to stuff you around, you should feel bad for your partner of six years. I think you've had a lucky escape from the nitwit who wanted a quick holiday fling and your exp is lucky to have escaped someone as foolish and idiotic as you

MinesAGin · 11/12/2016 19:25

Love the idea that he landed here, took one look around and thought, "Nahh." It puts paid to the DM handwringing that we are the land of plenty.

kiwipie · 11/12/2016 19:26

Oh and for your question in the title, no, you haven't made the right decision.

TheHiphopopotamus · 11/12/2016 19:28

kiwipie I think the title refers to has the OP done the right thing in letting him go? (I think)

In which case, yes. Yes, she has.

BumDNC · 11/12/2016 19:29

I know 2 people who did this and it didn't end well for them either.

It was too rushed. Let it go

kiwipie · 11/12/2016 19:33

Ah, my mistake. That would be a yes.
I was referring to leaving her partner of 6 years

Original poster
Feelbad5 · 12/12/2016 01:58

A bit harsh to call me idiotic and all that. I am feeling down and being offended isn't helping.
And for your information, my ex cheated on me a few times and that's why I had decided to leave him in the end despite trying to fix things for years.

No, he wasn't just after papers to stay. It was gonna be a rushed marriage to enable him to stay but we do like each other just not enough to marry this soon obviously under normal circumstances.
We would have married and he could have stayed and then we would have kept living together, seeing how it goes, which what was scared me because I don't think lightly of marriage so I wasn't convinced at all of going through with it under these terms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelbad5 · 12/12/2016 02:00

If he was after papers exclusively he wouldn't have been this honest, telling me he couldn't guarantee marriage would 100% work. He would have told me what I needed to hear to make me go through with it.

OP posts:
BumDNC · 12/12/2016 02:02

I think it's all a bit of an unrealistic fantasy plan. I'm sorry it's gone wrong but it sounds like that's just how it's going to be - you aren't compatible and the situation didn't work

Original poster
Feelbad5 · 12/12/2016 02:04

Obviously it was. He meant to start a new life here, to feel accomplished in life for once but it didn't go like that. I can't help feeling bad that I seem to have kicked him out

OP posts:
BumDNC · 12/12/2016 02:06

You can't make these kind of decisions in 6 weeks. It's insane! Moving country and marrying a virtual stranger is not romantic.

Original poster
Feelbad5 · 12/12/2016 02:13

I don't know what to say but in these 6 weeks it seemed ok between us. I wouldn't have married and he wouldn't have either if he could have stayed for a longer period without having to marry.
The thing was of course you can't really say it will last when we have known each other in person for so little time and it was a leap in the dark as far as the future of this relationship goes since people do need a lot more time to get to a decision like that normally.
I wasn't prepared to marry him so he could stay and then having to maybe divorce because of reasons that we could have avoided by spending more time together before marriage. I can understand he felt upset and hurt, felt that I don't care so much as to risk it but I just couldn't do it.
I guess I am looking for confirmation that I did the right thing in following my rational part here rather than giving in to feelings of guilt and having him stay etc.

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 12/12/2016 02:13

You sound very naive, OP. You were right not to marry him and right to let him go.

BumDNC · 12/12/2016 02:17

You did the right thing. The plan was quite batshit crazy in its own way. Many people have long distance relationships until they know they want to marry with visiting each other's countries. I don't know exactly why you bypassed that option but you could get in trouble for marrying someone for their visa. Also like you say end up divorced. When this happened to my friend she lost thousands in fees and solicitor costs also he could not work (non eu country rules) and when he changed his mind about their marriage and left her his visa was revoked, he was deported (after being caught trying to get to Europe first). It was a horrid mess. You are very lucky you aren't married to a stranger

BumDNC · 12/12/2016 02:19

I'm wrong - he could work but didn't. So she had to support him financially

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/12/2016 02:20

You have 100%, absolutely no question, done the right thing. Marriage is a HUGE commitment and definitely shouldn't be entered into lightly. Good for you.

Original poster
Feelbad5 · 12/12/2016 02:21

I am from the EU so no visa involved. He would have been able to stay as my family member.

He wouldn't have come here just for a holiday because he sees it as money wasted since the intention was to have a new life here. The money spent on the flight was an investment. He worked hard and he has a hard time with spending money that he earned with very stressful manual labour. I do think this is not a good thing but that's how he is.

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 12/12/2016 02:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwroteabook · 12/12/2016 04:02

I think that if you do some research you will find that someone from an non EEU country can NOT stay here just because they have married someone from the EU. Also to get married while he was here he would need to enter the country with a 'Marriage Visitor Visa' and if he arrived using a different visa (or no visa if he was from USA for example) then he would have to return home and apply for the correct visa before you would be able to get a marriage licence.

Even if he had the correct paperwork he would not be allowed to remain here unless you could prove that you could support him. The rules on this are very tough and in your situation the authorities would be alerted to the possibility of a sham marriage and you could be in a lot of trouble.

Don't feel bad about not marrying him - I doubt it would be possible under the circumstances you have described.

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