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Original poster

Anyone else have a very positive loving relationship with ex dh?

32 replies

Blinkyblink · 11/12/2016 12:41

My dh have divorced recently. No third party, and instigated my me. We fundamentally got on very well but he was hard man and was hardening as he the years went by, and I realised I just cookdnnkt be with someone who wasn't affectionate, loving and supportive. We have two young children and he was and is a wonderful father.

We do a lot of things together as a family four. We always get on very well. You would see us and think us a wonderfully happy family. The children love us being all together and it is sometimes easier for certain activities what with the youngest being just 3.

We certainly don't send each lovey messages, hold hands are anything remotely like that. But we care for one another, text regularly (always about the children) and when he had a health scars,no was his first port of call.

So, my question is this. Is anyone else in this situation? Of a very amicable divorce. Anyone further down the line and can tell me how things turned out?

We don't want to get back together and never will. But we do love one another, care for one another and deeply invested in our children having as stable happy childhood as we can possibly give. Are we living in cloud cuckoo land? Or can it work?

Thank you

OP posts:
WannaBe · 11/12/2016 12:49

I would say that it will change when he gets a new partner.

Hermonie2016 · 11/12/2016 12:51

My first marriage was like this.My ex was a drinker and I loved him very much but couldn't stay married.

Eventually one of you may meet another partner and this will change the dynamic.You may then experience another loss if you are not the one to move on.
I felt that perhaps I was in denial, almost best of both worlds but my ex moved on first and that prompted me to start looking towards my own future.
Thankfully we were able to remain amicable and had respect for each other which our (now adult) dc benefitted from.

loser102 · 11/12/2016 12:52

Welll done, as long as you are both on the same page and neither of your feelings change it sounds lovely. You might find things have to change if either of you meets a new partner but I think you should do whatever works for you

DameBurleyChassis · 11/12/2016 12:56

My DP and his ex wife are a bit like that. Good friends now and they have a monthly meal out just them and the kids to catch up and present a united front to 2 teenagers and a preteen.

His ex has now met someone new and while we're unlikely to ever be at the stage where the 4 of us choose to socialise together, I'm hugely grateful that they get on as well as they do considering how much of an immature arse he was when they were together (thankfully he's grown out of that since we met).

PsychedelicSheep · 11/12/2016 13:17

MY exh and I get on well, we don't hang out regularly but we talk a lot and will have family meals with the kids etc, I still go to his family's birthday gatherings as I'm still close to them. He's had another partner for years, pretty much since we separated, and I have a boyfriend too, whoismorechilledaboutusbeingfriendlythanhispartnerbut Iguessthat'showitgoeswhenyouwereOW-- Wink

He was also an immature arse when we together but we've both grown up a lot since then and he's a brilliant dad and a nice guy, just not for me thanks very much!

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 11/12/2016 13:23

Thank you, these perspectives are really useful

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 11/12/2016 13:34

My parents separated when I was a teeenager and have stayed very good friends. Neither of them had significant subsequent relationships and apart from the early days of the separation we continued to do a lot as a family. I am grown up now with a family of my own - my parents still come and visit me together (sometimes they do come separately though as well). They still spend Christmas Day together and even go on holiday together. I'm sure it would be different if either of them had met someone else but this is just how it all panned out. They separated because they were always arguing and things were very tense in the house but now the pressure to be a couple has gone they have stayed best of friends. This has been great for my sister and I of course.

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 11/12/2016 13:55

Ella, do you think of yourself as having a happy stable childhood?

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 11/12/2016 13:58

I get on well with exdh- and socialise lots with his dw who is lovely.
Me and exh don't love each other though, I still find him irritating. :)

GerdaLovesLili · 11/12/2016 14:00

Yes. He's like the brother I don't have. We share a hobby, and still go away for a week each year to do it together on our own or with either of my two sons (only one of which is his) (along with 500 other people). He often spends the night on our sofa if he's working locally.

Northernpowerhouse · 11/12/2016 14:32

I get on well with my exh of 10 years and his new wife. We celebrate the DCs birthdays together. Our divorce was relatively amicable and no one else was involved which i think made all the difference.

givemegravyonemoretime · 11/12/2016 14:46

I have a friend whose XH left her when newly pregnant with dd2 for another woman, now his wife.

My friend has worked really hard on forgiving him and being gracious because it was important for her to have her daughters grow up with parents who were friends.

She now describes XH as a best friend, and has a good relationship with his new wife.

From my perspective, he has been incredibly self centred and the whole situation only works because she has been astoundingly brave and tenacious and loving and self-sacrificial. I'm in total awe of her.

So I think it absolutely can work, but it comes at huge personal cost.

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 11/12/2016 15:13

For those who are very amicable and there was no third person involved, did you ever find yourself feeling sad and maybe longing to be back together?

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 11/12/2016 15:22

Oh Jesus Christ no way! Haha, no he's a great guy but he can also be a pompous, arrogant pain in the ass, plus he's nowhere near as good as my boyfriend in the sack Wink

Northernpowerhouse · 11/12/2016 15:25

Blinky I feel sad sometimes that in all the time since my divorce I have never managed to meet anyone i would want a long term relationship with but I live in hope!
However, despite this, I have never felt sad about or regretted the end of my marriage. We are good as friends but as partners we irritated the hell out of each other.

GerdaLovesLili · 11/12/2016 16:41

I never wanted to get back together although I miss him when it comes to having a helping hand with the DIY because Beloved Spouse of 17 years now, just doesn't speak the same DIY language and just gets grumpy with me. But no. I wouldn't want him back as a partner.

NeeNahh · 11/12/2016 17:06

I think it's possible to be friends with an ex but I think a new partner for either of you could struggle to accept the dynamic. I would just enjoy it for now and don't over think it. If it changes in the future deal with it then.

SenecaFalls · 11/12/2016 17:19

DH (and I) have a very cordial relationship with his ex. We do things together, especially involving the grandchildren we have in common (who are actually my step grandchildren). In fact, we will be having Christmas dinner at her house this year.

Honeyandfizz · 11/12/2016 18:43

I'm at the beginning of this. 3 months post separation of a 16 year marriage and it has been very amicable so far. Completely mutual separation and nobody else involved so no hurt party. There's no way we would get back together but are completely on the same page when it comes to the dc. I so hope it can continue yet I wonder if one of us met somebody else how this would change the dynamics.

martinisandcake · 11/12/2016 18:52

I'm in a situation like this, out seperation was instigated by me not because I didn't love him but because he didn't really love me any more.

It's been 15 months since he moved out, we still talk most days by phone or text, both have new partners who have met each other, and although we don't do as much family time just us three any more, he will still pop in if he is missing DS on one of my days or come to the kids parties we go to, that kind of thing.

I did have a couple of wobbles about leaving him, luckily one of this coincided with him meeting his current GF Grinso trying again wasn't an option. I am glad we didn't, as much as I love him and want him in my life he wasn't good for me as a husband.

It's difficult and the dynamic will change when new partners come on the scene and that may be your more difficult part in finding balance.

Good luck, it's wonderful to have this Smile

Ellapaella · 12/12/2016 11:16

Blinky when my parents were together I used to wish they would stop arguing all the time and the house often felt tense but in the most part I feel it was a happy and stable childhood. I actually wish they'd separated while I was still young, they waited until we were teenagers and were clearly much happier living separately.

Groovee · 12/12/2016 11:17

My friend and her ex husband get on great. In fact her latest ex became an ex because of his jealousy of their friendship.

theredjellybean · 12/12/2016 14:46

me..
My exdh or should that be DexH get on really well, he is now in a same sex relationship and I am with the man i left for basically, 5 yrs down the line here, we have ex and his partner over for birthdays/christmas , share everything do to with our children ( who are older teens/young adults), we often go out for dinner with one of our daughters , sometimes my dsd as well, it is a bit of a big blended family ...wish DP's ex wife was like this but she is not ...

badvocaattasteflump · 12/12/2016 14:48

But we do love one another, care for one another and deeply invested in our children having as stable happy childhood as we can possibly give

I don't understand this tbh - if you still love and care for each other and nobody else is involved, why would you split up? Confused

None of my business I know but you did post this Grin

Original poster
Blinkyblink · 12/12/2016 21:40

badvocaattasteflump
Are you married? It's a complicated old business.

OP posts:
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