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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

affairs, lies ,sex,attention (me not him)

62 replies

falling2pieces69 · 11/12/2016 11:31

This will sound mad but I am a long term member of here ,not a troll
I am currently having two affairs and possibly about to embark on a third , I'm married with kids as are they, they both profess to love me but I know deep down its just a regular shag
I'm addicted to the excitement of it and a lot of the time feel happier than I ever have, lost loads of weight and just love the attention and the texting
But, I know I'm being used and find it impossible to stop, I absolutely know it's wrong and I'm an awfull person I don't low why I felt so high and happy with it
I honestly feel like I've taken leave of my senses but can't stop
The sex isn't even very good, never had an orgasm with any of them
I need help desperately

OP posts:
Whathappensnowthen · 11/12/2016 20:08

I can't offer any help or guidance I'm afraid, but unfortunately I do understand where you're coming from. The thrill and excitement, tempered with knowing how wrong it is and actually questioning what sort of person would do it. And yet you can't stop...If you find an answer, let me know :-(

TimidLividyetagain · 11/12/2016 22:24

The thing is u are only enjoying it so much as no one knows. The horror if your husband finds out, you find yourself a single mum or he keeps the children and everyone finds out what you have been doing. You could stop but yes the talkimg and texts will stop.you need to replace that it will be weird no constant affirmations of how hot u are and discovering these new men. But u are on the edge of an abyss,if u are found out . You are not living an authentic life. You are in a sort of bubble of excitement but the truth has a way of coming out and so you are risking everything. Do you feel like in your marriage there is really nothing to lose? If so tell him. If there is everything to lose stop what you are doing. Become an authentic person again stop making your husband life a joke. The truth will out , it always does its only a matter if time the longer it goes on.

arsenaltilidie · 11/12/2016 23:19

I have a few male friends who are like yourself.
All of us know they are dicks. No one has ever mentioned bipolar or depression.

Maybe OP is just a normal perfectly functioning adult who's just an everyday twat.

Original poster
falling2pieces69 · 12/12/2016 06:21

Maybe I am,probably, I have feelings for one guy and he says he loves me but oddly enough ramps it up the closer I get to seeing him each week, I discovered he still contacts other women on the site I met him on but he says it's just to chat,
I'm not stupid , I have a professional job and I know he's still trawling for sex despite his denials
He won't talk about anything emotional and just ignores me if I do or deliberately misunderstands, I've broken it off a few times but he always wears me down with nice texts
I know rationally what this is but don't get why I can't just end it, the desire to belive I'm loved seems to bury the knowledge that I'm being used for sex
I've been up most of the night just feeling sick to my stomach yet counting down till he texts me this morning, it's madness

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/12/2016 06:26

Ugh

Montane50 · 12/12/2016 06:56

No mh issues then, just greed need and selfishness-hope your dh has a happy life once this has all blown up in your face which it inevitability will

jeaux90 · 12/12/2016 07:42

Jesus h Christ OP. Tell your husband or finish these flings. Perhaps a single life would suit you much better.

RD82 · 12/12/2016 07:55

'I don't know how to stop' is bollocks...

You obviously want to stop, OP, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You're a grown adult that's raised children - you are the only person who can get your life back on the right track. Just go cold turkey - stop contact with all of the men you are conducting affairs with. I can't really dress it up our down anymore than that. If you're depressed, go to the gp. If your marriage needs work, work on it, and redirect all the energy you are wasting on these awful men back to your husband. Work at it.

You could literally ruin your life if you carry on. If I found out my mum was behaving like you I would cut her out of my life & stop contact with grandchildren. Can you imagine future Christmases for example if this blew up in your face & your husband & children rightly cut you out of their lives? Bleak.

Stop it all now whilst you still can.

wherearemymarbles · 12/12/2016 08:21

Do you realise you can catch herpes even using a condom, assuming you are using them??

How would that work you think?

NerrSnerr · 12/12/2016 08:53

For fucks sake. However old your children are they will still really resent you when this comes out. Your husband also deserves to know the truth. You also need to get tested for STDs you could be spreading around all sorts.

It's also poor form to be diagnosing mental illhealth through an Internet forum. The OP apparently has BPD, bipolar and whatever else- lots of psychiatrists around this morning.

stumblymonkey · 12/12/2016 09:01

OP....you say you are either desperately down or high as a kite....have you ever discussed that with a GP?

I have bipolar disorder which makes me either desperately sad or high as a kite and one of the symptoms can be having no regard for consequences when high, a high sex drive and lowered boundaries.

I don't suggest self diagnosing or medicalising this if it's not the case but may be worth just having a quick look at the other symptoms to be on the safe side?

NotTheFordType · 12/12/2016 09:18

Please see your GP. The way you've described your feelings and actions is definitely indicative of a MH issue of some sort.

The way your risk taking is escalating means the likelihood of you being caught out by your DH is also escalating. Are you deliberately sabotaging your marriage because you want out? Because if so, that's fucking cowardly and awful. Just be a bloody adult and say "I want to end this marriage."

frieda909 · 12/12/2016 09:20

my children are young adults not tiny

I'm not going to flame you or pass judgement but I will say this: my mum had an affair when I was 19. When it eventually came out it was incredibly damaging to our relationship and I could barely bring myself to speak to her for many years. We're more or less ok now, at least on the surface, but there's still a tiny part of me that hasn't forgiven her and I don't think things will ever be the same between us.

Just because your kids aren't tiny tots doesn't mean this won't hurt them.

SoWhatNoww · 12/12/2016 09:28

Recently came out of a very similar situation. Very recently, went cold turkey and its hard.. I need to see a doctor or get some counselling. Strangely friends and even family have been quite supportive. Lots of suggestions similar to the first few on here. I don't blame any potential mental health issues (have been diagnosed with anxiety/depression in the past but this feels nothing like that. going to dr more to prove that this was all me and stop myself having something else to blame), I have made bad choices but just couldn't seem to stop.

If you find an answer OP please let me know.

Huskylover1 · 12/12/2016 09:49

I have been exactly where you are.

For me, it wasn't caused by the lack of sex in my marriage, it was a knee jerk reaction to finding out that my ExH had been messing around with other women for our whole 20 year relationship.

The whole time, I had been faithful. But in the aftermath of finding out that he hadn't, I kissed another guy in a club and it massively snowballed into having affairs.

Your comment about never finding peace, struck a chord with me. You won't EVER find peace whilst you are doing this. You know you might get caught. And the men are using your body for their own gratification. They don't love you. They may not even like you. You know this, deep down. So of course you won't find peace. The sex isn't good, because you have no real emotional connection. And men who have affairs (ime) are quite selfish in bed (and out).

I have now found peace. I left ExH and started dating again. I am now married to the most lovely, kind, handsome man, and honestly I would not ever consider being unfaithful to him. Not for a million quid! THIS is how you find peace. Leave your Husband and start again, would be my advice.

I'm guessing you met him quite young and didn't have many sexual partners before him? That was my case, which made other men even more exciting. Sadly, the men who have affairs are really the bottom feeders, so you are exposing yourself to the scum of society. You'll never find peace with that lot.

Curiousmum69 · 12/12/2016 09:56

Sounds like you need to address your mental health ASAP OP

This is risky behaviour. You are putting lots of people at risk. It's not fair to anyone involved. Including yourself.

When my bipolar was out of control, these are the things I did.

Original poster
falling2pieces69 · 12/12/2016 09:56

Husky I know you're right, doesn't that make me a bottom feeds too because I'm doing the same?
The poster who mentioned no regard for consequences was spot on, when feeling on a high I couldn't care less about getting caught, I take on new projects and hobbies and feel invincible
I do love my husband and would rather be happy with him and have these feelings with him but I just don't, the thrill and excitement is heady and euphoric
I have now sought out someone who is a Dom and know rationally I'm leaving myself open to abuse etc but I don't care, feeling something is better than feeling nothing

OP posts:
DidyouseeEthel · 12/12/2016 10:27

The thrill and excitement at the risk of causing a huge amount of pain to the people you're supposed to love?

Arsehole.

wherearemymarbles · 12/12/2016 10:36

Oh, I'm sure you'll be feeling something when it all comes out.

I really wouldn't wish you on my worst enemy.

wherearemymarbles · 12/12/2016 10:39

Though maybe MN should delete the thread? I suspect its just an other form of attention seeking as OP certainly shows no sign of contrition or really wanting help.

frieda909 · 12/12/2016 10:43

If you don't care then why are you posting here at all?

juliettaa · 12/12/2016 10:45

I do love my husband and would rather be happy with him and have these feelings with him but I just don't, the thrill and excitement is heady and euphoric

The first few words above made me feel nauseous. How can you profess to love someone and behave as you are with zero regards for others?

OP, you need to sort yourself out. Your behaviour is appalling, mental health issues or not, it's no excuse. Your husband deserves to know the truth about his wife, the person who's supposed to love and cherish him, not go around shagging anything with a pulse to prove they have 'feelings'.

So, so wrong.

KatelovesJames · 12/12/2016 11:15

My best friend has boarderline, she wouldn't behave like this!

OP - did anything happen to start the change in behaviour? How would you feel if your hubby was the one sleeping with other people?

You need to stop. It's possible- stop talking to them. Tell your husband and hope he can forgive you. I wouldn't expect him to though.

stumblymonkey · 12/12/2016 11:24

OP....do you feel high today?

Have you looked at the websites about bipolar? Do you recognise yourself?

FWIW I would be giving exactly the same response to a man who presented in the same way (highs, lows, not sleeping, risky sexual behaviour, unable to see or care about consequences).

Those of you without bipolar are quick to say it's not a MH issue, but you've never experienced it. Risky sex without caring about the consequences is a tell tale sign.

If OP doesn't recognise herself in the bipolar symptoms then fine, she is just a dick. But if she does, she needs help and medication.

HurricaneSwallows · 12/12/2016 11:24

Shocking some of the responses. The double standards are unbelievable, a man would get his arse handed to him.

OP you need help and you know it. Your poor husband. Do the decent thing. Mental health issues or not, your able to post on here.

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