3 year old nephew attacking my 1 year old how do i speak with my dsis about it

[ARV1981]

My nephew is three. He's started to attack my 1 year old ds and other children. He's turned really nasty with other kids (but is super sweet one on one). I love dnephew to bits but I'm scared he'll really my ds or another child.

I know nephew's behaviour is for his parents to deal with. I know this. BUT yesterday he pushed another child down some stairs and the pushed over my ds who's just started walking.

My dh says I have to say something to my dsis (nephew's mum), but she's my big sister and I don't really know how to iyswim?

What can I say without sounding like an overprotective helicopter mum (been accused of that from dsis as ds has a lot of allergies so I have to watch him like a hawk) or like I'm interfering with her parenting?

We will all get together again on boxing day for ab Xmas celebration at my mum's house. I know dnephew will be a pain then because of the excitement but I really don't want a huge family row. I'm actually considering calling off on it but that would upset my mum.

Rock and hard place for me!!!

This is fairly normal behaviour: and you may well find that in a few years time yours behaves this way.

Basically, you watch your lo like a hawk, have a quiet gentle word with the mother (dn seems to be going through a bit of a stage) so she does the same with hers, but accept that this is not worth starting a big row about. In a few years time you may be that mother.

When you see dn behaving this way, you speak to him if dsis is not there, firmly but gently.

Are the parents watching him and voicing disapproval when he hurts someone? If so, say nothing because bigger children are often more boisterous than a baby who's just walking and you'll probably be eating your words in a couple of years.
3 year olds understand that hitting hurts but don't understand how much stronger he is than a toddling baby. Depending on how incidents are dealt with, the adults could be teaching him that he gets adult attention if he hurts someone so he does it more.

I don't care about looking like a 'helicopter' parent in these situations. My DB, DSIL and I all want the cousins to get along and enjoy themselves, so we supervise very closely. They're all under 7 still (ages 1-7). We fully accept that we don't get to relax until they go to bed - that's just the way it will be until they've all grown out of this stage.

We're certainly all getting our fair share of having the biting child/ snatching child/ tantrumming child and are very grateful when it's our turn that the other adults are understanding, sympathetic and helpful.

I'm a pretty laid back Mum, but pushing kids down the stairs is serious and needs to be addressed.
I've had instances where I've had to step in with family when my kids have been the target, and I'm just blunt about it. My cousin's eldest continually bullies my son who has ASD and calls him a weirdo and a freak. I just went to my (much older cousin) and told him if he didn't sort it out, I would.

Hmm. I was in this situation once. DN 3, DS 4.5 DD 16 months. DN was badly behaved, rude, uncontrollable and violent. DSIL did nothing to deal with his behaviour, just totally ignored it because she couldn't be bothered. We spent four days at Centre Parks with them and it was awful. So glad she lives on another continent. But I really wish I'd said something at the time rather than being a bit PA and festering. What I still can't believe is that MIL makes excuses about it and she was a Deputy Head.

Cory, is pushing other children down stairs normal?

I appreciate that all 2-3 year olds are difficult and naughty. I'm really not trying to pass judgement on my dsis or her dh with regards to their parenting. They've had it tough this last year, 10- week early twins after a difficult pregnancy for which my dsis had to be hospitalised, and I am pretty certain that is the reason dnephew is acting out.

BUT just because you understand why someone is behaving badly doesn't mean that you have to accept it. Dnephew really hurt the other child yesterday and though my ds wasn't hurt as such he was frightened and shocked to be pushed over by another child. I don't want him growing up frightened of his cousin!

My question is more about how do i approach this with my dsis? I don't want to fall out over it.

I don't think my sister or her dh were around when dn pushed the child down the stairs. I think they were putting the twins in the car. It all happened really quickly. He pushed the other child down (though its only the other child's word that he pushed, but I believe it to be honest - she wouldn't lie about that being a very very well behaved 8 year old) then almost immediately pushed my boy down. At that point my dsis came and took him away. There actually wasn't time to even tell him off for pushing the girl down the stairs and I don't think she'd said he pushed her at that point. It all happened really really quickly.

Ohtheroses, my dsis is a primary school teacher. I think she's too soft on her own kids! But I really don't want to pass judgement. It's not my place.

I think I should probably speak to my dsis though really. It can't go on and my dh has said boxing day is the last chance until dn has grown out of this phase. But I can't stop seeing my family.

You don't leave children of that age unsupervised at the top of a flight of stairs.

Stick to your own child like glue. Don't give your nephew any opportunity to hurt him. And if he does, tell him off. If your sister doesn't like it, that's her problem.

I personally would ask your sister if her son had pushed the girl.
And I would be hype vigilant of the safety of my baby. But at 3 pushing a child down stairs doesn't mean the same as it does for an adult. It is pushing they have no concept that the stairs make it more dangerous.

Also lovely sweet 8 year olds can also be sneaky stirrers - who fool all/lots of adults. (Maybe watch rugrats to remind yourself of childhood politics.

Personally I'd say something along the lines of dreading when your own DS gets to that stage and finding gbit so useful to be able to learn from her experiences first and ask her how she does it.

This will hopefully lead to a normal conversation where you both discuss ideas based on when might work for you in future as well as you being able to throw in your worst concerns and hopefully make them more vigilant parents when you see them.

When my DD went through a phase I watched her carefully and either avoided situations when I didn't have the energy to be on it all the time, or took her out of the situation before anything happened if I could see any triggers or her beginning to get agitated.

I didn't leave my child unsupervised with stairs. My dsis did.

I do believe the 8 year old. It was like she was shell-shocked that someone could do something so spiteful. But was also really understanding as well. She has absolutely no reason to lie.

I think I might leave the chat. If something happens in boxing day then I might just have to stop socialising with them until dn is a bit better behaved.

I mean leave the chat with my dsis. Not this thread!

Yes I'd do that tbh - see how Boxing Day goes. If something happens there, address it at the time.

Just say something like 'I see dn is going through that stage where is learning his own strength. Until he does you are going to keep you limitless one away as you don't want her getting hurt.'

The poor boy has had he world turned upside down at a difficult age anyway he needs support not being seem as spiteful. He pushed her near some stairs not down them.

He sounds like he was s struggling with the loss of attention and is acting out (which is why he is fine one to one) he presumably has anger at the twins he is acting on to other children.offer you sister help

I really wouldn't bother talking to DSIS about it.

If something like this happens again, you need to raise it at the time. Do you mean DS was at DSIS house and she left the three children at the top of the stairs whilst she went out with the twins? She probably should have made them all come downstairs before leaving the house, but that's a lot of children for her to manage alone, and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

If you were there, then sorry, you have responsibility for making sure that DS isn't left at the top of the stairs unsupervised. It's not really clear to me who was where and if you were actually present.

But then if I don't say "look, you need to stop dn from hurting other children or we can't see each other again until he's grown out of this stage" then wouldn't it all be a bolt from the blue? I'm all mixed up!

No, the girl fell or was pushed down some stairs. He was at the top of those stairs when the adults went to help the girl. I didn't see it so can only go on the girl's say so that he pushed her. I don't believe she lied.

I totally agree, my dn needs understanding and love right now. He's had it really difficult. I know all that, but I have to protect my lo too.

Give him lots of attention and he won't feel the need to hurt other children to get it
Poor little thing is obviously going through a really tough time
Involve him on looking after your baby, give him some responsibility
All he wants is to be acknowledged

You have to watch your ds carefully. I know it's hard, but lots of children go through this stage. You absolutely shouldn't talk to sister imo. It sounds like she's under a huge amount of stress and no good would come of it.

And keep in mind that your ds may do exactly the same. I know it's hard to imagine when you have a baby, but it's so common

Yes, I know. Kids can be do cruel. I know I might face this same scenario in a few years.

I think for now we don't say anything to dsis and dbil. And watch my own child as carefully as possible. He's my priority.

I do try to spend time with dn btw. Yesterday I played trains with him while the other children were playing downstairs. He just doesn't seem to socialise very well. And I do love him a lot, obviously not as much as my boy but as close to it as you can get. I love all my nephews and nieces! A lot.

I absolutely agree you need to protect your dc but you don't need to speak to your sister do that. You just watch your child like an absolute hawk and if anything does happen say something then. If your sister isn't there to witness it you just factually say 'oh sister, dn just smacked/bit/pushed ds, thought you needed to know'. Repeat as necessary but hopefully it will be resolved before long anyway. It's not ok that children are being hurt but unfortunately it is a very common stage so try not to overreact to this. I know it's horrid when someone hurts your child so I do have sympathy.

Sorry x post